The Evil In My Home

"Mom, there's a bug crawling on the wall."
"Okay."
"Come see!"
"Fine."

I walk into the kitchen where my two year old has led me by the hand and look around to find the offending insect. "Where is it, Cher?"

"Ummm...I can't remember...," she waves a pointed finger distractedly at the walls and then her gaze lands on the floor. "There," she proclaims triumphantly.

"Honey, that's a tortoise."

"Yeah."

We bought our first home six months ago and I quickly went to work surrounding my family with non-human friends. Since my husband Spike is allergic to cats and can't stand dogs, I had to get a little more creative so now our backyard hosts a bevy of bunnies and a small clan of dessert tortoises. But not all the animals at my home are invited guests.

When we first looked at the house, we found a scorpion in one of the bathrooms. Our realtor assured us it was a once in a lifetime sighting and many other locals promised they had never seen a scorpion while living here. It turns out that's because all the scorpions in Vegas live at my house.

The week after we moved in, I was still finding them crawling on my kitchen floor and hiding under the laundry baskets. Soon after, my four year old Pixie was bit in the living room and spent a Sunday in the ER. When we finally called an exterminator, she delivered the grim news that the only way to kill scorpions was to hunt them down individually and crush their little brains to mush. No spray would kill them. With the help of a dark night and a black light, we were finally able to see just exactly how bad our scorpion infestation was. We caught (not saw, caught) 84 in the first hour of hunting.

Last night Spike proclaimed the scorpions to be, "his jealous mistress." Each night before bed, he pulls on his leather gloves, grabs the black light flashlight and picks up his Killing Stick. Then out to the yard he goes, hunting for anything that wiggles in his blackl ight. After a round of killing in the yard, he turns off the lights inside and sweeps each room, finding any scorpions that have managed to gain entry to our home, taking care not to wake our two daughters as we sweep and kill in their little purple bedroom. The scorpions are a little piece of Satan that has manifested itself in our otherwise happy home. And if you've never had the chance to see your spouse decked out with a blacklight, Killing Stick and grim smile, you've never known true love.

We are strangely proud of our infestation. When we invite your over for dinner, we'll insist you stay until dark so you can accompany Spike on one of his killing sprees. Then if you're really lucky, he'll capture a few with the salad tongs and make you get up close and personal with them to see just how tough you can pretend to be. Scorpions only come out in the dark so we are able to enjoy our yard during the day. But as soon as the sun sets, my girls come to me with big eyes and ask if the scorpions are coming out. We tiptoe inside and lock the doors. The yard is given over to the beasts.

Life has been eerily wonderful since moving out of the apartment phase of life and if it wasn't for the scorpions, we'd be like Adam and Eve, moving around Eden with bland smiles. But the scorpions keep it real for us. Just the right amount of wicked to make the good really pop. Now don't you wish you lived at our house?