Edible Victory

I don't know what gets into me. Last night I found myself in a cupcake eating contest with my neighbor's ex-army husband. Spike was begging me to stop, but my delicious strawberry and chocolate cupcakes and showing up an army dude spurred me to gorge. I realize that the only reason someone would ever even get into an eating contest is pure stupidity, and I kind of felt like all the people I hate while I was doing it, but the long and the short of it was, I won. Luckily for me, as I was taking the bite out of cupcake number 7, Trent realized that I would rather suffocate to death on cupcakes then let him win so he gracefully conceded the win to me. Oh, that I had such grace. Now losing an eating contest, that's a waste of time. But if you can at least win it, all those thousands of calories were not ingested in vain. I don't feel too bad for Trent for losing. He's training for a marathon so hopefully he won't be feeling those calories for too long.

I made the cupcakes for a baby shower that I hosted last night. I always forget that women don't eat though. After about an hour of the party, I had to shame everyone into going and getting some food since I had spent all day making it. I think they ate a carrot of two but they certainly didn't touch the cupcakes. Oh well. Their skinniness will only bring them sorrow. It was a fun party though despite the guests' waifish tendencies.

But back to eating contests - after Trent threw down the glove, I realized that I hadn't officially won anything for as long as I could remember and for some reason, this became my Everest. Why is winning so important to me? Maybe even more important to me is looking cool. Or at least, thinking that I look cool. When I was 16 there was this guy that I had a crush on (for all 4 years of high school) and one night he actually invited me over to his house to watch a movie. I had never imaged that I would get this opportunity to prove to him how cool I was. He was the strong, silent cowboy type and I had never even really had a conversation with him. Just drooled from afar. Anyways, so we're sitting in his house watching the Princess Bride and I decided to really wow him. I was going to prove to him that I was one quality heifer that he'd be crazy to let slip through his gate. So I did my burping trick. I have figured out how to inhale air into my stomach and then let loose the longest, loudest burps ever. Pretty cool, huh? Unfortunately, he didn't seem to think so. That was our first and last "date." I've been hitting myself about that one for about 10 years now. I'm a moron.

So what's the point... I'm not sure if my conclusion here is that it's good or bad to engage in eating contests. Good if you win, bad if you lose. This is a lousy post. How about if I burp for you guys instead? You'll be really impressed!