January 8, 2006

The rouge chromosome

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman. Your uterus makes you do funny things. Like make quiche, decorate with raffia and kiss snotty babies. I wish I could just turn off that extra X chromosome. Someone was telling me that Jaime Lee Curtis has some problem where she has a Y chromosome. She is thus unable to have babies, has a lean, althletic build, has a successful career as an actress, and a great Hollywood marriage. Sure doesn't look like I need that X after all!
It's all such a pain because everyone freely admits that hormones affect your emotions, but it's totally lame to say that you are acting like a crazy person because of some slight imbalance in your uterine chemicals. People expect you to take full responsibility for your actions regardless and I'm sick of it. I wish I could just have a chart to carry around and show people what to expect from me on any given day. For example:

Mondy: Eat-my-own-arm hungry
Tuesday: Over the top nesting impulse
Wednesday: Afraid to leave my apartment
Thursday: Everything is funny
Friday: Everything makes me really mad
Saturday: I can't make any decisions except the one to be useless
Sunday: Weeping Day.

Or something like that. It always has bugged me that we weren't born with instruction manuals. It's like we are all these great new state-of-the-art computers that nobody has to clue how to use let alone turn on and we just get used as paper-weights instead. The only instructions people have right now to deal with women is "whatever you do, don't call her fat." That's the extent of our understanding of women. Yes, it's a good start, but not nearly good enough. Does anyone have any other instructions to suggest?

So for now, I'll continue to be blindly guided by the whims of my ever-changing hormone levels and made to take the blame for the inexplicable amount of times I go to Joanne's Craft store to buy crafting items. But it's not me! Honestly! My uterus has taken me hostage. And what about this Martha Stewart lady? It's way too late for her. She lost control over that extra X chromosome decades ago and look where it got her! She now spends her days showing celebrities how to fold shirts on TV (when she's not having tea and crumpetts with her parole officer). Yikes. If it can happen to Martha, it can happen to me. I feel like I have a terminal illness. It's only a matter of time before I start knitting hats for animals and have 20 kids that I can't even remember the names of. Treacherous X!!


Doug Taylor said...

As Melvin (Jack Nicholson) said in "As Good as it Gets" when asked how he writes women so well...

"I think of a man, and then I take away reason and accountability."

Basic Black with Pearls said...

I don' think it's your hormones. You may simply be crazy! Arf!

Adrienne said...

I second your Mom's opinion: Crazy.

Actually, what's MORE annoying is when someone does something really, intensely worthy of inciting wrath and they flippantly remark "Oh, it must be your hormones" when you get mad at them.

I'm all "My period is three weeks away and YOU ARE STILL A MORON, BUDDY."

Adrienne said...

Also, your right hand X there is fragile. Be aware.