February 25, 2006

The Beautiful Bump

Costco.

Where do I start? Hummer sized shopping carts, bomb-shelter warehouses, 100 packs of bikini underwear. Blank faced consumers intent on the deal. My membership at this discount warehouses has been a plague on my soul. I compare myself to a crack addict who knows that it's going to kill him but has to take another hit. As much as I would like to paint myself as the victim, however, I've recently discovered I'm not as pure as I hoped. I bagged my first prey.

I had found an open parking spot lightyears away from the store and was briskly pushing my tank badly disguised as a shopping cart across the parking lot. Bump. A faint groan. I dug my heels into the ground and managed to halt the tank to see what the problem was. She lay sprawled indignantly on the concrete. Chinese, 50ish, and unjustifiably short. So short that I quickly deduced that she must come to the Costco parking lot and scurry shortly around hoping win an outrageous lawsuit.

Understand that I've been the victim in this familiar Costco situation countless times - always outraged that another human being could be so self-absorbed in procuring their bargain as to actually hit me with their 100 pound cart. But now I was the death droid shopper. The midget hopped up and down indignintaly and gave me that "how's your friend Hitler" look while yelling unintelligible outrages in Chinese. I quickly gave appropriate words of apology but she could see right through me. There must have been a remorseless look of vindication in my eyes. After coming to Costco for years and having to watch my back for tight-faced shoppers with undeviating carts, I've finally climbed a little higher on the food chain. Fate smiled sweetly on my head and provided me my own unsuspecting little Chinese lady to bludgeon. If only there hadn't been a language barrier I could have explained to her why karma had sacrificed her to me.

Since that day I've had zero qualms about making the trip to Costco. I'm not scared anymore of getting trampled in the sea of carts and consumers. I'm now The Trampler. The only people who can push me around now are the women giving out free samples. We are all dogs to them as they keep us waiting for 5 minutes while they slowly and meticulously assemble the trail mix in paper cups to put in our eager hands. But I'm content for now. Someday the Sample Women will get what they have coming. I really wish I could say I'm sorry for running over that woman in the parking lot but I hate to lie. It's given me my confidence back. Zee Trampler iz invincible.

4 comments:

Kaff said...

Thanks for the warning, I will keep my eye out for you at Costco! Especially when I am in California, but everywhere else also... just in case you get loose :)

Angela "The Bomb" Covington said...

Oh my goodness, my eyes are watering. That was your funniest post yet! Trent loved it too!. I'm going to walk behind you the next time we go to Costco together!! :)

Stephanie said...

I think you need your own personalized cart, something with flames and racing wheels. Get some driving gloves, sunglasses and a mean tattoo--you'd be set!

PS. I'm glad you're in CA, not here. I'm not small enough to be a speed bump but squishy enough to carry permanent tire tracks.

Angela Covington said...

You should have been at Costco last night. Trent was pushing me on the cart super fast in the parking lot but he couldn't see where he was going. I saw a nice couple in front of us and I screamed, "Trent, there are people!" They gave me a deer-in-the-headlights look and froze. Trent immediately put on the brakes, but it was too late - that poor couple is now traumatized for life. Hope you're having fun. I miss you!