Uterine Me On

All aboard the baby train. Probably just because I'm Mormon, but 80% of the women I know right now are pregnant. It's fun because my friend base doubles itself every year but it is awfully hard to keep track of the who's spawing who. This week alone three of my really good friends found out the gender of their babies. I have 5 pregnant sisters/sisters-in-law. And I still haven't known one of all my friends/family to name their baby my name. What gives? What, like "Emma" is any more original?

Despite the conventional wisdom of never assuming anyone is pregnant, I find I hurt more feelings than I spare with this tactic. I'm always forgetting who is pregnant, who is having boys versus girls, and who's baby shower I forgot to attend. My budget for baby showers was exhausted earlier this year and I've already had to use the line "I left your present at home by accident" at a recent shower. I should just give birth control as a shower present. A mommy must-have and it will save me money in the long run. I'm the Paris Hilton of baby showers. I'll play all the dumb games, eat all the yucky baby food and baby-gab with the best of them. It's my only socially acceptable method of staying apprised of everyone's uterine status. It gets so crazy around here sometimes I can't remember my own. I swear if you told me today that I'm 6 months pregnant with twin kittens I wouldn't bat an eye.

There's nothing Mormons love more than Diet Caffeine Free Coke than babies. We're just plain good at it. That's not to say we're good parents, but we have a fantastic time faking it. Spike and I both come from huge families (I have 8 siblings, he has 7) and I always assumed when I was a kid that I would have a huge family too. Then I had a baby and I realized that you actually have to take care of them so we're changing the plan. Our modified game plan is to keep give Pixie growth-altering drugs so that she doesn't grow any bigger, doesn't mature any more and stays cute and cuddly her whole life. Maybe we'll clone her once or twice so she has some company (surrogate goat mommies of course - I have my delicate figure to think of).

So the question is does my presence make the people I love pregnant or am I attracted to the conceiving type? I have a feeling it's the former. I've deluded myself that Pixie is cute enough to make even the gruffest career woman abandon her control top pantyhose in favor of the eternal existence in sweat pants. More likely, however, they just put bunny hormones in the lemon water at the church dances (Mormon party drink of choice). Those pesky bishops!