Curriculum Vitae

Here's my resume for those doubting my qualifications to exist in this world:

Education:
Elementary School 1984 - 1990: Mastered Pig Latin, not getting caught and kissing up.
Middle School 1990 - 1993: Studies in female development, the art of the pinch -rolled jean and humanity when I first saw my mom crying in private.
High School 1993 - 1997: Degrees in Driving, Dermatology and Dating. Singling out the beat of my own drum.
Brigham Young University 1997 - 2000: Course work in Crash dieting, Crashing cars and Cruising by with a C- in Chem 105. Degree suspended until further maturity is attained.

Previous Experience
Held the following paying jobs: Bookstore clerk, music store clerk, waitress, laser show presenter, flower waterer, kidney transplant unit medical assistant, medical insurance auditor, paralegal, city ordinance coordinator, non-profit donor developer, telemarketer, and scientific peer review project associate. This is the kind of ridiculous career direction a BS in Sociology got me.

I currently provide critical, up to date information to my spouse regarding navigation and regional gossip rigously extracted from the local female population.

My duties as a mother boil down to making sure my baby is still breathing in the morning. Everything else is up in the air at this point, but I have unrealistically high hopes of becoming SuperMom.

Special Skills
Singing Row Your Boat and Yankee Doodle backwards
Turning my baby's cry into a laugh
Performing the trecherous Bound Lotus
Not holding grudges
Singing the quadratic formula to the tune of Gilligan's Island

References
The baggage handler at DFW airport who I accidentally overtipped by $20 a few years ago
The cashiers at the dollar store - they always catch me in my best moods!
My in-laws who continually assert that they like me no matter WHAT I do

Awards/Honors
Performed"Getting to Know You" from The King in I in a 2nd grade quartet of elite songbirds - 1986
2nd Place in Long Jump at Middle School Field Day - 1990
1st place in a Texas State poetry contest - 1994
"Prettiest Pumpkin Carving" award at my dad's corporate Halloween party - 1995
Voted 2nd Most Creative and 2nd Worst Driver of my high school class - 1997
Awarded 3rd place in church Chili Cook off - 2001
Chosen among millions to be mother to the beautiful Pixie