April 24, 2006

Curriculum Vitae

Here's my resume for those doubting my qualifications to exist in this world:

Education:
Elementary School 1984 - 1990: Mastered Pig Latin, not getting caught and kissing up.
Middle School 1990 - 1993: Studies in female development, the art of the pinch -rolled jean and humanity when I first saw my mom crying in private.
High School 1993 - 1997: Degrees in Driving, Dermatology and Dating. Singling out the beat of my own drum.
Brigham Young University 1997 - 2000: Course work in Crash dieting, Crashing cars and Cruising by with a C- in Chem 105. Degree suspended until further maturity is attained.

Previous Experience
Held the following paying jobs: Bookstore clerk, music store clerk, waitress, laser show presenter, flower waterer, kidney transplant unit medical assistant, medical insurance auditor, paralegal, city ordinance coordinator, non-profit donor developer, telemarketer, and scientific peer review project associate. This is the kind of ridiculous career direction a BS in Sociology got me.

I currently provide critical, up to date information to my spouse regarding navigation and regional gossip rigously extracted from the local female population.

My duties as a mother boil down to making sure my baby is still breathing in the morning. Everything else is up in the air at this point, but I have unrealistically high hopes of becoming SuperMom.

Special Skills
Singing Row Your Boat and Yankee Doodle backwards
Turning my baby's cry into a laugh
Performing the trecherous Bound Lotus
Not holding grudges
Singing the quadratic formula to the tune of Gilligan's Island

References
The baggage handler at DFW airport who I accidentally overtipped by $20 a few years ago
The cashiers at the dollar store - they always catch me in my best moods!
My in-laws who continually assert that they like me no matter WHAT I do

Awards/Honors
Performed"Getting to Know You" from The King in I in a 2nd grade quartet of elite songbirds - 1986
2nd Place in Long Jump at Middle School Field Day - 1990
1st place in a Texas State poetry contest - 1994
"Prettiest Pumpkin Carving" award at my dad's corporate Halloween party - 1995
Voted 2nd Most Creative and 2nd Worst Driver of my high school class - 1997
Awarded 3rd place in church Chili Cook off - 2001
Chosen among millions to be mother to the beautiful Pixie

3 comments:

Stephanie said...

Brilliant career already! You're my hero(ine).

Your blog makes my day (I'm not really sure what that says about me but you're darn funny).

Adrienne said...

Dammit, Sarah. Now *I'm* going to be singing the quadratic equation song all day!

Negative B plus or miiiinus/ the squre root of/B squared minus four AC/ all over 2A (refrain: all over 2A).

::wanders off humming, cursing alternately::

angela said...

Sarah, you are so accomplished! Don't forget that you are a master party planner! I can't wait until you throw me a baby shower, hee hee!