April 20, 2006

The Scientific Method

State Your Question:
Is the female human the less appealing of the sexes?

Research Your Topic: While observing birds out my window yesterday, I realized that almost all species of animals have a colorful, metro-sexual pretty boy and a dowdy, plain female. Think of the Mallard or Peafowl. They are easily overshadowed by their more flamboyant mates. Why not humans? Is it possible that our scruffy, sneakered men are, objectively speaking, more appealing? Our evolutionary programming may be giving us misinformation. In the spirit of scientific objectivity, I'll attempt to view the issue through an outsider's perspective - let's say an alien's.

State Your Hypothesis: Are we actually less visually appealing then men? My hypothesis is yes. Based on an overwhelming trend among animal species, should planet Earth ever be invaded by Martians, I wager they would most likely take the more attractive human man back to Mars for taxidermy rather than the less exciting female.

Test Your Hypothesis by doing an Experiment:
I went to our local Farmers' Market and sat on the grass eating dinner as my community paraded by. Trying to adapt an eye of objectivity, I noticed the millions of looks we women strut. The guys generally had only two possible shortcomings. Too scuzzy or too fat. But the women had way more opportunities to blow it. With all the body sculpting contraptions we don, women are capable of coming in any possible shape, size or time zone and there aren't enough fashion police in the universe to protect our children from the shocking array of free-lance fashionistas on the streets. One woman jounced by in green taffeta MC Hammer pants - you can't make this stuff up, folks.

Analyze Your Results:
It's in trying to look beautiful that women run the greatest risk of looking their strangest. All the bad makeup, wild hair styles and too much fat in too little clothing highlights weaknesses rather than strengths much like the our unfortunate baboon cousins. Consistent proof lies in every American's photo album. Take a look at the prom pictures. The girls are hapless victims of irresponsible fashion and princess complexes. The boys may sport the occasional ruffled shirt, but generally look like they had the lights on when they got dressed that evening.

Draw Your Conclusion:
My hypothesis was dead wrong. Women are so going to get stuffed by Martians. Men don't even come close to being as visually interesting as women. We are walking carnivals.

The objective Martian would provide this report regarding the appearance of humans: The human species is characterized by a male who generally looks the same from day to day and his female who spends countless hours vastly altering her appearance with the intent to excite her male. The female does not seem to understand that all her mate actually desires is food and thus, her exhausting efforts go on indefinitely until her 4" heel breaks, she twists her ankle and lays in bed for a week while the male plays video games and eats potato chips every night until she recovers. After which, the cycle repeats itself.

Predict Future Outcomes:
When the Martians invade and try and abduct us colorful women for intergalactic trophies, we'll impale them with our stiletto heels, jab our mascara wands in their 100 eyes, choke them with our pantyhose, and suffocate them to death in our enormous $300 Kate Spade tote bags while the men quiver in the bushes. We may look funny, but we know how to work it.

2 comments:

Adam said...

Nice picture of Bjork.

Stephanie said...

You always know how to make me smile--love your blog. Proud to be a fan of the Hollywood Flakes!