July 11, 2006

Caroline's Beef

My hilarious 16 year old sister Caroline is visiting for a few weeks and I've been trying to convince her to write a guest post but she's hesitant. Tonight I got her into a nice big sisterly conversation and asked her to tell me some of her beefs/grievances with the world. I wrote them down in a notebook as she talked and am turning them into a blog entry. This is the best we'll be getting from her unless she miraculously decides to write her own post here. Here are her "Beefs" in her own words:

Oprah's Book Club. Come on. Kite Runner? That was a crummy book. I mean, I didn't read it but a lot of people I respect hated it. No people I respect liked it. Not one.

Whoever taped the movie Merlin over our copy of The Last Unicorn.

All the billboards in Utah for laser hair removal. They are everywhere! When I was in Utah this summer I almost did it just to get them off my back.

My monkey arms. I have beef with my monkey arms.

People who intone statements as questions.

People who ruin jokes by taking them too far. Let it be known, however, that I have NO grievances with extended metaphors. I like those.

Ingrown toe nails on my big toe. Ugh. So gross.

Stinky feet. And I have grievances with people who want me to cure my stinky feet. "Do you want to buy some Gold Bond Foot Spray?" "No. I don't."

Socks. They get dirty and gross after you wear them once. I just want to rewear them like I do everything else.

Dresses. They aren't made for people with a big chest and small hips. It seems like that's who they should be made for.

Sales Tax. In New York if you go into a store with a five dollar bill and something costs $4.99 you can buy it. It's the best feeling in the world.

People who always act like they know what you're talking about - especially when they don't. And that little moment when you think they're serious and get excited.

Being used as a conversational prop. For example, "I just was saying to Caroline..." or "Caroline and I were talking the other day about..." I'm not a party to this. It's misleading.

People who make not funny cracks about my vegetarianism. Especially because I really have no way to defend it. Beef with people who ask me why I'm a vegetarian. "Is it for your health?" "Uhh.. no." "Is it because of animal rights?" "I DONT KNOW. Congrats, you caught me. I'm a teenager in a phase."
And then the inevitable "I once had a niece/son/cousin who was a vegetarian for a month."

There is no fabric softener anywhere in my house (at this point I interjected and told her that she could just buy some to which she responded "No, no, then I would have no beef with it.")

People who ask you if their kids are cute. Chances are I do, but it's not any accomplishment of theirs.

No beef with my rollerblading capabilities. I'm the most capable rollerblader I know. It's a natural skill.

Andy Collin's left eyebrow. It flips up three fourths of the way across then continues after the break. Everyone in school called him Frodo for a year but then we stopped. Now it just irritates us. But it's good for when the conversation slows down. "So... what's the deal with Andy's eyebrow?"

Beef with the fact that this is probably going to end up on your blog.


Anonymous said...

The summer before my senior year in high school I worked as an usher at a Shakespeare festival. My favorite play that season was Coriolanus. I must have seen it at least 4 or 5 times (I saw all of them 4 or 5 times). Somehow, maybe it was the production, it spoke to me. That fall my English teacher initiated a discussion of the summer’s offerings at the theater. He went on an extended rant about how bad Coriolanus was, then revealed that he had walked out in the middle of the first act. I took everything he said after that with several grains of salt. I read and liked The Kite Runner. It’s not my all time favorite book, but I enjoyed it; it has some merit.

c jane said...

I hope you don't have a Beef with people like me just showing up on your blog to make comments without any sort of introduction.(LDS Women's blogs sent me here...)And I have a beef with Girls Camp. Mostly because I have to go in two weeks and I don't want to.
Also, I am a vegetarian and I know about trying to answer those LAME questions. I usually answer "I am a vegetarian because I don't really want meat rotting in my stomach..."

Anonymous said...

Hurrah! I love you and your "tricked into the act" guest blogger too. And it's true, Kite runner was a really poorly written book, and yet we all had to read it to learn about Afghanistan, but c'mon, there have to be better ways and more capable Afghani writers.
Thanks team!


Laura said...

You two are adorable! And I must admit, the belly dancing post really hit home. Being Lebanese, my sister and I took years of dance lessons. The secret is to focus completely on your hips, letting your feet and hands naturally follow, while pushing your weight down onto your feet. Anyway, we still can't get it right! But good luck to you. If you were in Michigan, I'd drag you both to a Middle Eastern party.

BTW, Caroline, you are a very pretty, young lady---that's definitely one thing you can't beef about.

Kibler said...

you are on the ball about the dress issue...

Rachel said...

I'm going to have to see a picture of that eyebrow. Perhaps with a little laser hair removal....

Adam said...

i think that saying "i don't like meat" is a good defense of being a vegitarian. and i agree about not being able to find a nice dress when you have a big chest and skinny hips. oh wait, my problem is skinny hips and a big belly. did i just say all of this outloud? shoot!

Anonymous said...

My Mom just sent me kite runer to read... I respect her and so I'm gunna give it a try, I'm a mostly veggitairian nad so I say I eat meat sparingly like it says in the WOW...

Silly Marie said...

Yes, but just remember that eating it sparingly doesn't mean not eating it at all. I know, I know. I'm not saying it's breaking the WoW to be a vegetarian. I was a vegetarian for 9 years myself. At Sunday dinners where pot roast an potatoes was the weekly meal my little bro. would always put a piece of it in my face and say, "Yuuummmm. Delicious cow. Mmmmm. this is sooo good." My family's still shocked when they see me eat meat because I only started eating it 2 years after I moved out of the house.

an-jel-a said...

stinky feet, gross socks, ingrown toenails? i'll stay away from your feet (and your rollerblades), caroline!

Anonymous said...

Not so anonymous Mumsy said,

I don't think so, Adam. Check out this little tidbit about babies who such their thumbs. Perhaps you merely had buck teethed genes? You look perfect now!

AzĂșcar said...

Dresses: YES. I have struggled with this for years (ever since I got boobs.) I finally relented to separates.