Caroline's Beef

My hilarious 16 year old sister Caroline is visiting for a few weeks and I've been trying to convince her to write a guest post but she's hesitant. Tonight I got her into a nice big sisterly conversation and asked her to tell me some of her beefs/grievances with the world. I wrote them down in a notebook as she talked and am turning them into a blog entry. This is the best we'll be getting from her unless she miraculously decides to write her own post here. Here are her "Beefs" in her own words:

Oprah's Book Club. Come on. Kite Runner? That was a crummy book. I mean, I didn't read it but a lot of people I respect hated it. No people I respect liked it. Not one.

Whoever taped the movie Merlin over our copy of The Last Unicorn.

All the billboards in Utah for laser hair removal. They are everywhere! When I was in Utah this summer I almost did it just to get them off my back.

My monkey arms. I have beef with my monkey arms.

People who intone statements as questions.

People who ruin jokes by taking them too far. Let it be known, however, that I have NO grievances with extended metaphors. I like those.

Ingrown toe nails on my big toe. Ugh. So gross.

Stinky feet. And I have grievances with people who want me to cure my stinky feet. "Do you want to buy some Gold Bond Foot Spray?" "No. I don't."

Socks. They get dirty and gross after you wear them once. I just want to rewear them like I do everything else.

Dresses. They aren't made for people with a big chest and small hips. It seems like that's who they should be made for.

Sales Tax. In New York if you go into a store with a five dollar bill and something costs $4.99 you can buy it. It's the best feeling in the world.

People who always act like they know what you're talking about - especially when they don't. And that little moment when you think they're serious and get excited.

Being used as a conversational prop. For example, "I just was saying to Caroline..." or "Caroline and I were talking the other day about..." I'm not a party to this. It's misleading.

People who make not funny cracks about my vegetarianism. Especially because I really have no way to defend it. Beef with people who ask me why I'm a vegetarian. "Is it for your health?" "Uhh.. no." "Is it because of animal rights?" "I DONT KNOW. Congrats, you caught me. I'm a teenager in a phase."

And then the inevitable "I once had a niece/son/cousin who was a vegetarian for a month."

Great.

There is no fabric softener anywhere in my house (at this point I interjected and told her that she could just buy some to which she responded "No, no, then I would have no beef with it.")

People who ask you if their kids are cute. Chances are I do, but it's not any accomplishment of theirs.

No beef with my rollerblading capabilities. I'm the most capable rollerblader I know. It's a natural skill.

Andy Collin's left eyebrow. It flips up three fourths of the way across then continues after the break. Everyone in school called him Frodo for a year but then we stopped. Now it just irritates us. But it's good for when the conversation slows down. "So... what's the deal with Andy's eyebrow?"

Beef with the fact that this is probably going to end up on your blog.