July 31, 2006

Warning: Not a Funny Post (But at least nobody dies in it so don't worry too much)

It's been a good week for writer's block. I've written two posts already tonight that are unsuitable for posting. I keep getting hung up on "FEEElings." Argh. I just almost posted something honest and real. It was painfully close to being a post that actually meant something to me and luckily I realized in time that this blog is not about feelings. It's about something else... I'm not sure what. Hiding myself in a public place I guess. The posts I wrote tonight are the exact quality of my undergraduate journals which I have been perusing lately. It's not pretty stuff. Imagine reading pages and pages of huffiness over lame boyfriends and being misunderstood. Then imagine plucking out all your arm hair with your teeth. They are that fun.

I realize tonight that I associate revelation of feelings with immaturity. Maybe because I was on the literary magazine board in high school and for two years after school we would sit in a room and read aloud submissions from angsty students about being misunderstood and tormented. We would mock the socks off of each and every one of them. But more likely it's because I'm still immature. I haven't ever wanted to put in the long painful hours of learning how to validate my seemingly harmful and confusing emotions that jump out from behind the bushes when I'm in Tree Pose. Whatever the case, I can't stand talking about FEEElings. What good does it do? You just drudge up all kinds of hidden issues that you are shocked to find and create from a void complex issues that would have never existed otherwise.

I spent so much of my youth being ruled by emotion that I fear I've overcompensated in adulthood by creating a thick wall of silliness (or surliness depending on the situation) to buffer its impact. Is there some correct way to deal with icky feelings that I didn't learn about in high school Health class? Am I supposed to just keep letting tempestuous emotions sucker-punch me in the kidneys or is it more sensible to develop a decoy to take the hits? Alas, this post is yet again a fearfully close to being real so I'll just give into my mood and go with it.

Ahh, rolling in hot, swirly feelings! It feels so good but I always regret it the next day. I have a little rule that I don't take down posts and I bet this post will really test that. Let's just end it here before I go say stupid things about my inner desires and how it's my time of the month. Because it is. Why else would I post this?

9 comments:

Stephanie said...

Don't worry, I only spent 5 min mocking you for your swirly mix of FEEElings. (J/K)

Mumsy said...

My first instinct was to ask the age-old Benac Family Question, "are you...menstruating?" - which was always received with a snarling, tearful response similar to that which one might receive after inserting an electric prod into the cage of a fierce beast. But dear heart, you HAVE matured, because you can SEE the connection between those smarmy, poor-me thoughts (yes, I am reading your mind)! and your "time of the month." Why are we made thus? No clue. But it's okay; this too will pass, and you can go back to repressing all those powerful emotions and thoughts and ideas that might otherwise tempt you to take seriously and perhaps, act on? Oh, Heaven forbid!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I didn't go to your high school.

Sarah said...

Yeah, we were (are?) snobs.

your fave neighbor said...

we're the exact opposite. me: no emotions in high school, lots o' emotion now. i am the yin to your yang, hee hee. :)

Angela said...

The whole menstruating excuse is the very reason a woman will probably never be president (who wants some crazy PMSing woman deciding to bomb or not?). Can't we just own up to our moodiness and not treat it like something that we have no power over?(excluding people Tom Cruise would give vitamins to)

Now that I have ranted, I hate the feelings stuff, too. My most frequent emotion is embarrassment. Like when I was trying to be clever in the middle of a convo with an annoying know-it-all, it totally escaped me that a chicken is NOT a mammal!

Silly Marie said...

Angela, I used to share your same sentiments. I thought PMS was a huge hoax, but I am now a firm believer that some women milk it as an excuse and some women truly have raging hormones that time of the month.

Since college I've known when I'm going to start because it's the only time I cry irrationally. Most of the time I'm not even aware it's that time of the month until my husband mentions it and I then confirm it by looking at the calendar.

word verification: quishlo

ambarwarrior said...

Hilarious!! I am too embarrassed to read my journals from high school. I can't believe I worried so much over which boy was cute or nice!! I spent pages and pages writing about my future plans and what I would name my future children. I threw some of them away. One thing that I noticed is that I always wrote about politics, still do.

Hey, at least you are honest enough to admit when it is your "time". That is a sign of maturity!!

Shannon said...

Sarah dear, you forgot to mention that most of that angsty frufru-y stuff that we mocked after school at the Tartan was also written by very same the people in that very same room! I know I was guilty of at least one instance :)