Why I've Turned Off the Ringer On My Phones

Because my toddler has a nervous breakdown if I haven't answered it after two rings. She's gone totally Pavlovian

Because there is no more white space on my To Do list and I'm not planning on "to-doing" it anyway

Because it seems my number was written on the bathroom wall of every mortgage company in America and those pesky brokers are calling day and night

Because I can't say no to anything and hate to lie (but will if you press me)

Because if Gwen Stefani screens her calls, it must be the cool thing to do.

Because I can' t handle one more playdate

Because my answering machine understands your needs better than I do

Because I can never find the cordless phone when it does ring anyway. Last month it was in the fridge.

Because I'm busy writing about you on my blog

Because my mouth-muffler is broken and I'll say any crazy thing I think of then hang up the phone shocked with myself

Because I was sick last week and can still milk it for a few more days before people expect anything of me

Because there is no "I" in "phones" and I'm all about the I

Because my phones were forgetting their place and starting to boss me around

Because I'm an antisocial nut-job and I like it that way