Me: Hello? Anybody in there?
St. Peter shuffles up to the other side of the pearly white gates and looks at me suspiciously.
St. P: May I help you?
Me: Yeah. I'm Hollywood. Can I come in?
St. P: That depends. Did you live a good life?
Me: Well, it wasn't bad.
St. P: Okay, why don't you tell me what you've done to qualify for entry.
Me: I think I heard once in church that if you are a mom you automatically get into heaven. I'm a mom.
St. P: Yeah, unfortunately that's not our policy.
St. P: Wait a minute... aren't you that lady who was feeding her toddler Powerbars and Crystal Lite for dinner every night?
Me: It was Fresca.
St. P: Let's try this from a different angle. Besides "mothering," tell me how you made the world a better place.
Me: I never hit a single squirrel with my car.
St. P: That doesn't really matter.
Me: You're tough, Petie! What about all the nasty lowfat milk I drank? That's got to count for something.
St. P: Hollywood, don't waste my time. Didn't you do anything in life that fortified your immortal soul?
Me: Oh sure! I went to 3 hours of church every Sunday, had monthly meetings with church leaders, sang in the choir, spent hours every week organizing spreadsheets to do my calling, paid 10% of my income to the church and sometimes I was even cheerful about it.
St. P: Sometimes?
Me: Well it was a lot to do!
St. P: Tell me this, when was the last time you wore pantyhose?
Me: Err... I can't remember.
St. P: Honestly Hollywood, I see nothing here that qualifies you as celestial material and have no reason to let you in. Good luck in Hell.
Me: Wait! One more thing - I ironed all my husbands work shirts and pants for his entire career as a lawyer.
St. P: WHAT!? Why didn't you say so earlier? Your faithful display of self-sacrifice in executing such a mindless, grueling task will ensure your immortal salvation! Welcome in, Sister! Unfortunately, this does mean that your husband will have to go to Hell for asking such an evil labor of you.
Me: So if he's in Hell, I won't have to iron his shirts anymore?
St P: Naturally. Welcome to your eternal rest.
Me: Right on!