September 15, 2006

Palm Reading

I decided to do a self-palm reading tonight just to see what I'm all about. I was hoping for all kinds of Confucius-esque wisdoms that would make me feel good about myself but I was in for a shock. It turns out my hands are withered stumps of dead dreams.

The website I found to assist my quest for meaning seemed well-intentioned. The author listed all kinds of desirable marks to have on your hands and what these marks meant. The only problem is, my hands have none of the desirable marks. They are dry, thin and unexciting as opposed to the more desirable plumb, sweaty and heavily creased versions. There was a long section about desirable marks of passion. My hands had none and always fit the description of those with flagging romantic tendencies. I'm also unlucky, function poorly in crowds, physically and mentally cautious, and have no leadership or artistic qualities. What a pick me up!

I was able to get a few gems out of my reading which I'm not sure how to digest. For instance, my heart line indicates that my "mental self-indulgent fantasies are often much more beautiful and satisfying that any real relationship" ever could be. My heart line also indicates a "tendency to freely release all emotions and passion that are normally blocked by the 'head'." Sorry, Spike. I'll try to stop all my fantasies lest you get jealous. But then again, there's little chance of me controlling my emotions with a heart line that ends up under my pointer finger so I can't make any promises.

The good news is that by simply wearing a thumb ring I will have "more energy to get things done effectively." This is also true if I just make sure to stick my thumbs out more during the day. So simple! I should travel the country letting people know the secret to success is in dangerously pointed thumbs. Don't be surprised if the next time you see me on the street I'm doing "The Robot." I'm not afraid to try something new.

Of course, I shouldn't take this palm reader's interpretations to seriously because at one point in his descriptions he actually says, "I don't know where I heard this but it seems true..." So much for mystical ancient wisdom. I think I'll stick to my mamma-strology. If my baby has had a nap, I'm going to have a good day. If she hasn't, the day is going to stink. It's a tried and proven method that doesn't disappoint. Unlike my hopeless, loveless, dreamless palms.


kelsey said...

I'm learning about mamma-strology myself these days. Man it is so true. My palms are unusually line-ridden. I've got wrinkly lines going every which way. I think it would be really confusing to a palm reader. I'll check out the website and find out.

tired but ready for more hospital tomorrow said...

I can't believe your palms say you're not artistic! Pshaw.

Laura said...

Have you ever tried Chinese astrology? I have a friend who's very much into it. When introduced to someone new, one of the first questions she asks is his/her birthday, and I know she's itching to know the date of birth, though too polite to ask. Anyway, she really sparked my curiosity, so I went to an on-line site and got a full character analysis. Generalities set aside, I was surprised to find how close the description was to my idiosyncrasies. So, then I started entering in birthdates of friends and family members and am now convinced (or hoaxed?) that there truly is something in the stars. Do you think I'm crazy? sacrelig? I mean, I even measured my compatibility with ex-s and friends and I'm finding truths that are not mere generalities applicable to just anyone. And for the record, I'm not talking daily/weekly horoscopes-- I am a goat.

Kristine said...

I am glad you are relying on mama-strology. I haven't seen it be wrong once!

Your post does make me curious about what my palm reading would be...hmmm....maybe I'll be googling that once I'm done folding the next 12 batches of laundry.

Lisa M. said...

My dear.

Okay, lets talk about pooh. *chuckle* I am sorry, What a rough day. I would have lost it too.

and I am quite sure, your palm reading was off.

your creativity, is evident.


Kristine said...

Ahhh, Sarah, your comment about poop after my very serious post brought a bright smile to my face. Not because it was funny, but because it is the kind of thing that lends itself to very bad days sometimes.

Thanks for commenting on my blog.

A Payne said...

A little old lady asked me if she could read my palm when I was in Venezuela. I said yes, she was cute and short and I thought, what's the harm. The first thing she told me was that I came from really far away. Duh! Then she said that I was worried about my family being so far away from them. Again, duh! She told me a few more "no duh" things and then said I had better pay her 500 Bolivares or she was gonna bust my kneecaps. That's the point when my companion dragged me out of there as the little old lady waved her fists and cursed us both the hell. Ahh, good times.