Palm Reading

I decided to do a self-palm reading tonight just to see what I'm all about. I was hoping for all kinds of Confucius-esque wisdoms that would make me feel good about myself but I was in for a shock. It turns out my hands are withered stumps of dead dreams.

The website I found to assist my quest for meaning seemed well-intentioned. The author listed all kinds of desirable marks to have on your hands and what these marks meant. The only problem is, my hands have none of the desirable marks. They are dry, thin and unexciting as opposed to the more desirable plumb, sweaty and heavily creased versions. There was a long section about desirable marks of passion. My hands had none and always fit the description of those with flagging romantic tendencies. I'm also unlucky, function poorly in crowds, physically and mentally cautious, and have no leadership or artistic qualities. What a pick me up!

I was able to get a few gems out of my reading which I'm not sure how to digest. For instance, my heart line indicates that my "mental self-indulgent fantasies are often much more beautiful and satisfying that any real relationship" ever could be. My heart line also indicates a "tendency to freely release all emotions and passion that are normally blocked by the 'head'." Sorry, Spike. I'll try to stop all my fantasies lest you get jealous. But then again, there's little chance of me controlling my emotions with a heart line that ends up under my pointer finger so I can't make any promises.

The good news is that by simply wearing a thumb ring I will have "more energy to get things done effectively." This is also true if I just make sure to stick my thumbs out more during the day. So simple! I should travel the country letting people know the secret to success is in dangerously pointed thumbs. Don't be surprised if the next time you see me on the street I'm doing "The Robot." I'm not afraid to try something new.

Of course, I shouldn't take this palm reader's interpretations to seriously because at one point in his descriptions he actually says, "I don't know where I heard this but it seems true..." So much for mystical ancient wisdom. I think I'll stick to my mamma-strology. If my baby has had a nap, I'm going to have a good day. If she hasn't, the day is going to stink. It's a tried and proven method that doesn't disappoint. Unlike my hopeless, loveless, dreamless palms.