Who will be...The Biggest Schmoozer!
I've been watching The Biggest Loser this season because my cousin, Heather is on it representing the state of Utah and hasn't been kicked off yet (and I like seeing people suffer). There are few more depressing things for a pregnant woman to do than sit around at night and watch other people lose weight, but I've found a way to turn these icky lemons into sweet lemonade.
And so I present to you,
The Hollywood Flakes
Biggest Schmoozer Competition!
Biggest Schmoozer Competition!
Have you ever talked your way out of an impossible situation? Fluttered your eyelashes until your oil change was magically free? Sweet talked your honey into massaging your leprous, stinky feet for an hour? Then we need you to play! Just leave a comment explaining why you are The Biggest Schmoozer and fame and glory could be yours!You can participate anonymously if you choose but please don't propose anyone other than yourself as The Biggest Schmoozer no matter how many times your boyfriend convinced you to pay the bill at that steak house. Please try and keep your submission as concise as possible.
Next Thursday, November 16th a winner will be chosen randomly from all the participants (just how they do it on NBC) to be The Biggest Schmoozer. The winner will be highlighted at the top of my sidebar on my blog for a couple of weeks with their preferred name, website (if you have one), and your winning entry. I'll also send the winner: 1) The item of your choice from the Hollywood Flakes store; & 2) A nice little html award that you can put on your website if you want to forever immortalize your schmoozing skills.
Although I'm not in the running, I'll kick it off with my own submission:
I got pulled over by the campus police (those geeky looking cops on bikes) for biking in a "no bike" zone. I screeched to a stop inches from them and threw my bike down at their feet. Before they could say anything I loudly complained that I needed to use the bathroom really really bad and would come right back! I ran into the nearest building, watched them for a minute then came sauntering back outside looking all relieved and happy. I asked them what my fine was but wasn't surprised when they just gave me an embarrassed warning.
Okay - so maybe that's not schmoozing - just bald faced lying. You guys can do better. Let's hear it!
Comments
I took a creative writing class in highschool. My sister had the same teacher a few years earlier. He loved her and thought she was so talented. So in order to do well in the class, I would wear my sisters old clothes to remind the teacher of his beloved pupil.
Even so, Peter Picks his Nose might get picked over me for "walked bosses dog", because this is random contest.
"Mornin' ma'am. Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
"Well, when I let off the gas I noticed the dial going past 80 (smiling truthfully and looking right into his eyes)"
"Yes, well you were going about 90. Do you know what the speed limit is on that highway?"
"I assume it wasn't 90! (slight giggle) Actually I thought it was 55, officer."
"Well in matter of fact it's 35 ma'am."
"I'm a dead woman."
"Where are you headed so fast?"
"Well I am on my way to work and I was listening to my new c.d. and I guess I got carried away, but to be honest, without the cd I still probably would have been going 55 because it's a highway, and well, I thought that was a normal speed."
"Where do you work?" (now he asked this because this particular town is out in the flippin' boonies, on the edge of the earth, left of nowhere...i.e. NO BUSINESSES TO SPEAK OF.)
"I am an interpretor for the deaf at the local jr. high, I have one student sir."
"Do me a favour, turn off the cd player while you drive through town so you don't become one of your students and slow it down from now on."
And with that I drove away, no ticket, no written warning, not even a verbal repremand...except about loud music.
I have no ability to shmooze. None. Whatsoever. Alas. I lose.
I have to concur with th. I have not even one tiny bit of shmoozing within me.
But I think that even if Katie and Allie don't leave comments here, one of them should win your biggest shmoozer prize. They never pay full price for anything.
He FINALLY moved me for ONE whole day. Well about two days after I was back in my dreaded seat accross the room from my friend sitting next to the most annoying person in the world - who we will call Ryan to protect his identity due to the incidents I am about to explain - when Ryan took a bunch of my pictures. So I asked him to give them to me a few times until he started taunting me and in a moment of complete thoughtlessness I pushed his head into the wall behind him and took my pictures. It wouldn't have been as bad as it sounds except that there was a brick ledge going around the room at the exact height that his head was. Anyway, Mr. Wheeler came directly over and asked what was going on. Well, poor Ryan who had just gotten his head pushed into a brick ledge was laying his head in his arms and wouldn't look up because he was crying so the teacher asked me to go into the hall. I was scared to death because I knew I had just done something that was going to get me into a lot of trouble. The teacher asked me what was going on and I proceeded to tell him that I had asked to be moved for several weeks and that he refused to listen to my pleas (of course I am doing this with tears rolling down my cheeks) and that if anyone should get in trouble it should be him because it was his fault. I also think I said something about how it runs in my genes to not be able to handle long amounts of torment. Anyway, the teacher let me go back into class and he went into class and sent Ryan to "In School Suspension" and told me he would make sure I had a different seat the next day. I didn't even get a slap on the hand - although I know I deserved it. From that moment on every time I asked the teacher to move me, I got to pick my new seat in the class. Hmmm ... tears can be a magical thing.
When the policeman turned his lights on and pulled me over for exceeding 20 in the school zone, I was appropriately mortified, and assuming the requiste humility of expression, I faced him. "This is my worst nightmare," I wailed, "I always feared I might get pulled over one of those times I went out in my PJ's, and now it's happened. Honestly, my PJ's don't even match each other!" Then I may have added some reference to the fact that I had dropped off my 9th child, creating the final touches to some endearing housewifely tale. The young officer laughed and said his wife had the same fear, and he let me off with a warning.
Was I lying? Not a bit. Schmoozing? Like a pro.
Oh, and remember that night we were on our way to Texoma and got pulled over and our sheer charm and adorableness got us off? Never give up.
I ordered a pizza from campus and when I went to pick it up, the pizza guy asked me what my social security number was to verify my identification. I freaked out, got all red and almost started crying because I was so embarassed. Then I just told him in a really quivering voice that I didn't remember because "I had always had a really hard time with numbers." He ate it up, felt terrible for putting me in such an uncomfortable situation, and sent me on my way with the pizza.
Again - more of a lying story than schmoozing, but it was a darn good pizza! And I know, I'm a terrible, awful person.
s'mee - 90 in a 35? You're a genius!
Th. and Kristine - I refuse to believe you've never gotten anything you didn't deserve. Keep thinking!
One is happened recently when we went without phone service for 4 days, had it fixed for 2, and then, because of a technician's error (leaving the phone box open in the rain) went without for 5 more days. I called the phone company customer service line, and gave my sob story of being without a phone for almost 10 days out of the month, having to use a cell phone with VERY EXPENSIVE pre-paid minutes, and having 6 children that could possibly have an emergency of some sort at ANY time, and we needed IMMEDIATE service! While they couldn't get the technician out here that day, the customer service girl gave me credit for a FULL MONTH of phone service. I was definitely a much happier camper after that schmoozing phone call.
There have also be various complaints that have resulted in free food, but...I DID IT, Sarah!! I thought of a time I schmoozed. Woo hoo!
OK. so here's my official submission. When I was about 22 or so, Cannon and I were living in Arizona for the summer. We went on a little roadtrip, and Cannon got sleepy, so he pulled over and we switched drivers. I didn't have my driver's license with me, but I wasn't too worried, because in my 6 years of driving I had never been pulled over, so I had gotten pretty lazy about carrying proper documentation. I was driving on a one lane highway, and I was just following a long string of traffic, so I figured I was safe even though I was speeding a little. Then all of a sudden the police lights came on. shoot. I pulled over and started going through the glove box trying to find any kind of identification or documentation but all I could come up with was an insurance card that had expired the week before. I KNEW that we had just received a new one in the mail. WHY hadn't I put it in the car right away? Anyway, the cop came up and watched me fumble around for a whole bunch of documents that I knew that I didn't have, and he brought it to my attention that I was breaking all kinds of laws and deserved tickets for 1) not having a driver's license or picture ID with me--that was a misdemeanor and he could book me in the county jail for that. 2) not having an updated insurance card 3) driving with registration tags that had expired at the end of last month--did I know that he could impound my car right then and there?
Anyway, I assured him that I had never been pulled over and asked him to please pull my record up on his computer. He asked my name, and when I said, "Amanda Flake," he said, "Oh, are you related to the Flake families up in Snowflake?" I said, "Oh yeah. That's where I'm heading right now." (kind of a white lie since we were going to see MY family in Snowflake and we are only related the the Snowflake Flake families about 4 or 5 generations back.) Then he said, "Wow, they sure are good people. I've been friends with a lot of them over the years. I'll tell you what. I'll just give you a warning this time and a small fine for failing to conserve fuel($24) and we'll call it good. But you'd better promise that you'll get your car registered and that your husband will drive until you get your license in the car." "Sure, officer, sure."
OK. So I didn't get off scot-free, but I was plenty happy since I have been with actual drivers when they have had their cars impounded and other such unhappy endings.
I have been pulled over 2 times for speeding. Both on the same road in the same truck. Once I received a ticket. That time I tried to joke my way out of it and it did NOT work. I am not a shmoozer. I lack all shmooze.
Once I got off scot free. However, I think I only got off because it was Christmas Eve. That time I didn't have my driver's liscence or proper registration. I told him I was on my way home for our Christmas Eve dinner and he told me to slow down and get the right documents. Thank Heavens for the Christmas Spirit!!!!! I would have been dead meat. (I think I was going 70 in a 35. But it was a back road in the middle of nowhere!!)
I can't think of one time I got out of trouble by shmoozing my way out. I stink at this game.
This wasn't really to get OUT of trouble so much as it was to serve as a pre-emptive strike. If the professor already knows you and thinks you are interested in the class, the hope is that he or she will cut you some slack if you run into a problem during the semester.
And I thought he was cute.
Schmoozing didn't make his tests any easier, though!!