You're It!

I read a heartening piece today in Time magazine. An elementary school in Massachusetts has banned the game "tag" from their playground on the grounds that the game could lead to a lawsuit over injury and potential damaged self-esteem among the students.

The article failed to mention the activities that had NOT been banned from recess playtime: thumb twiddling, Game-Boy use, gossiping, making fun of the nerds and sneaking behind the cafeteria to have a drag. These activities may continue as usual as any negative long-term impact has not yet been discovered. Tag on the other hand, well that's just asking for it.

Rewind to your elementary school years. You were just standing around minding your own business when that cute kid appeared out of the blue, tagged you on the arm and shouted "You're it!!" You had one terrifying option - the chase was on. Remember how you had to increase your normal speed of movement with the peril of falling down and scraping a knee? Remember that surge of overwhelming emotion as you realized you were "IT." It was almost too much to bear as you risked life and limb to find someone to pass the deadly IT on to. Your increased heart rate caused you to sweat and return to class disheveled and out of breath. Not to mention your "IT" factor that forced you out of your comfort zone and made you interact with children you otherwise would be afraid to approach. This nightmare played itself out daily at most of our schools growing up.

But standing out in a crowd is so last millennium. The year 2006 is all about pretending differences don't exist in our society. After all, are we not all "it?" Lawsuits and emotional damage aside, there are staving children in Africa who have never even heard of tag. And we unabashedly run around every day during recess playing this capitalistic "game?" What a disgusting show of American hubris.

Besides, tag is yet another insidious ploy of the Democrats to get our children to exercise against their will. Trust me, most of these kids would rather be sitting on their duff's eating French fries and downing Red Bulls. I applaud the courage of the Willett Elementary School officials to make this dream a reality for our nation's youth. Sadly, I fear that this new ban in Massachusetts will not be as progressive in its actual implementation as hoped. Already, a school in Washington that banned tag not one year ago has reinstated it in gym class only. It's only a matter of time until it makes its way back to the playground. And then the chaos begins again.