December 7, 2006

The Doll Hospital

I found myself looking through an American Girl cataloge today. I was mildly amused by the overabundance of accessories at outrageous prices but hey, let the kids have their fun. Then I came to a page advertising the "Doll Hospital." The Before and After picture I've posted here is strangely similar to cosmetic surgery ads I see around Los Angeles. The blurb accompanying the ad read:

Life happens.

That's why there's the American Girl Doll Hospital, where you can send your doll for everything from a general cleaning to a "major surgery." Our doll doctors will make her as good as new and send her back ready to be loved for a lifetime. (Or until next time...)

"Or until next time you find yourself in an irrepressible rage and tear Little Betty's arms off because she refused to tell you her favorite color?"

"Or until next time you "accidentally" stuff her down the toilet to hide her from your little brother?"

It's a tad ominous.

You can send your special friend to the Doll Hospital for an array of health issues. The admittance form lists procedures such as reattachment of head, replacement of limbs, or even a whole new torso. For the milder cases, they will do a "Wellness Visit" where the hair and skin are pampered and the doll is sent back with a pretty balloon and hospital robe.

I can't help but wonder about the "Secret Menu" at this Doll Hospital. These girls have obviously been botoxed to death and probably need a refresher every few months. Not to mention strategic stuffing enhancement to give them more self confidence. And there is probably a nutritional program you can put them on since I can't remember the last time I actually saw one of these beauties eat anything. Anorexia is prevalent among American Girls.

But why should we stop at the Doll Hospital? The American Girl Company is far from truly capitalizing on this whole fantasy world they've created! Here are some other potential ideas:

The Doll Counseling Service - when Barbie comes over to play, your Special Someone may experience feelings of inadequacy, jealousy or even violence. Our licensed therapist will come directly to your home to help resolve any issues. Your American Girl can have peace of mind for only $65 an hour. At the end of the session, the counselor will leave you and your family with the helpful guide entitled, "Short, Stuffed and Fabulous!"

The Doll Mental Institute - Is that smile on your precious friend starting to look a little plastic? Does she spend more than 8 hours a day laying on her shelf? Help is a phone call away! Simply make the call and we'll send the van to pick up your dolly and treat her to a couple of weeks of intense drug therapy and needlepoint classes to help calm her mind. Your doll will return home with a real smile and a complimentary straight jacket as a reminder of her stay!

The Doll Family Court - Sometimes it can be hard when your parents split. You aren't the only one affected by the divorce, Little Dolly is wondering how all her valuable accessories will be divided up as well! Leave it to the professionals at the Doll Court to set all the worries at rest. Why spend hours fighting over who gets the Colonial Carriage when you can pay our equitable judges to decide for you? Don't wait, litigate!

The possibilities are endless, and each more tasteless than the last so I'll just stop there. But I can't stop laughing at the picture!


Anonymous said...

Do they have a "Wrecked my Saturn last night" hospital?

Anonymous said...

Do they have a "Wrecked my Saturn last night" hospital?

Sarah said...


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laugh--I really needed that!

Suzie Petunia said...

This is too funny - I just flipped through the catalog yesterday and read all about the doll hospital. All I could think was, "I bet it costs more than just replacing the doll with a brand new one!"

Lisa M. said...


Um ya.

I so don't get it.

(But my sister's kids have SEVEN dolls between the three girls, AND the Bity twins!)

chronicler said...

I so love the doll hospital. Not theirs per se but when I was a girl there was an actual doll hospital down the street from one of the many places we lived. My bro and I killed my chatty cathy one day. My mom felt sorry for me and took her down to the doll hospital. She got better in a few short weeks!

AGs doll hospital actually needs to have an abused doll unit. Why oh why do they not tell you the real horrors of what happened to those dolls before arriving in the ER? Because it's their dirty little secret! Keep it quiet, we don't want them to know a part of our history can actually be seen in Toy Story 1. How else did they come up with that little boy and his rocket?

Janell said...

I have a hard time believing that children would abuse their expensive dolls in such a manner.


No, I don't.

I absolutely loved this post. =)