December 17, 2006

No Snack for You!

"I'm not worried about you getting fat. I'm just worried about your self-loathing."

These were my husband's last words to me before he headed off to bed tonight. Now that I'm over six months pregnant, there is no ignoring my bulbous new silhouette. I had a hard time losing the pregnancy weight after my first baby and am paranoid this time around about packing on the pounds. My poor husband has to sit by and watch as I stuff my face with Christmas goodies and junk food knowing that there is no diet in sight for months to come. But through it all, he's been overwhelmingly supportive and frequently tells me how beautiful he thinks I am. And I believed it. Until the other night.

On Friday evening we went to bed around 10:00. I've had trouble sleeping lately and made some comment about being hungry as I lay down. Spike grunted, stuck in his earplugs and promptly fell asleep. After a few minutes I rolled out of bed and toddled off into the kitchen for a light snack (does a PBJ, jello pudding and 4 cookies count as "light?"). After watching a few hours of trashy reality tv, I decided to try sleeping again. I snuck into bed as quietly as possible and was just pulling up the blankets when Spike shot his arm out and pinned me down, roughly grabbing my shoulder.

"You were just about to go to the kitchen, weren't you?" he accused, gruffly.
"Honey, I'm just coming to bed right now!"

Spike didn't say a word but tightened his grip on my shoulder. I was pinned down flat on my back which isn't fun for a big fat pregnant women. I tried to turn onto my side to sleep but this only elicited another frantic pinion from Spike and I was unable to change position. At this point, I realized that he must be still half asleep but I was also highly amused at his fierce moral stance on my not getting a snack. Any movement I attempted for the next half hour was met with his brutish resistance. I couldn't get over the absurdity of it all and played along while lamenting the powerful subconscious pressures dictating his ridiculous behavior.

Finally I could take no more and millimeter by millimeter rolled over onto my side, gently easing his arm back onto his side of the bed. When I questioned Spike about the incident the next morning he had no memory of it. I feel for the guy. Having to sit by and watch his wife blow up like a pufferfish can't be fun. Leave it to the sub-conscience to bring that to the surface!

10 comments:

Lady Steed said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! My husband told me that I have started snoring since getting pregnant. But he has yet to smack me in his sleep to make me stop.

My snack before bed is a piece of sourdough toast slathered in butter, a glass of milk, an orange and maybe a small bowl of granola. For the last four days it also included a danish but I finished those...sniff. I am saddened by the fact that my desire and taste for sweets and goodies has greatly decreased, usually I can't get enough. It is so upsetting at Christmas time when yummy goodies abound, that none really appeal or even taste all that good in my mouth. I look forward to Christmas sweets all year! But I guess it will prevent the extra pounds.


PS glad there is a blog I can still leave a comment on...Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. Why is it that 10:00pm is the time when you start replaying those big mac commercials in your head? It seems as soon as my head hits that pillow I start craving transfats! I can usually supress my desire to gorge for about 10 minutes. If by that time I'm not asleep it's off to the fridge for some enchilada leftovers. Being 18 weeks pregnant myself, and having gained alot of weight with the last one I realize that pregnancy is not an excuse for binge eating. But man, at 10:00 at night it starts to look pretty nice.

Lisa M. said...

*Laughing*

I enjoyed this, oh my trapped one.

Hilarious.

Karen said...

sarah, my four year old told me the other day that the baby must be getting really big because my bottom is HUGE. thanks aidan. love it.

Lianne said...

Can I just say how grateful I am that I am not pregnant? However, that doesn't mean I'm not joining you in your light snacks.

Gloria Glo said...

Can I just say how grateful I am that people DO get pregnant? And I wish our society weren't so fat-fearful that we stop enjoying it because the pants get tighter. I understand that it isn't "fun" to be bloated and have a weird sense of gravity, but still - it's such a great thing to experience and each pregnancy is unique.

Okay. Rant finished. Just take cookies and place them bedside. That way you can eat while pinned to the covers. :)

A Payne said...

"I'm not worried about you getting fat. I'm just worried about your self-loathing."


I love that line! Honestly I only skimmed the rest the your comment. I have some close associates that have recently enlarged this, sucked out that, permanantly tattoo these...

I love my people, I accept my people, but I do wonder about their inards while they mess with their outers.

Sarah said...

Gloria, you're a freakin' genius!

Karen - did you just break down and cry? Or go the opposite route and spend the next 24 hours laughing hysterically? Kids...sheesh!

Anonymous said...

This was very interesting and what a vivid description of the event.

Gloria Glo said...

Thanks. Eating cookies is a talent of mine :)