December 3, 2006

Top 10 Reasons To Blog:

1. It's an irresistable chance to taste your foot in the back of your mouth every single day. Post it, gag on it, repeat. You get used to the taste of old sock after a few weeks then begin craving it.

2. Never have a real person to person interaction again! You can interact with both family and friends exclusively through your website and spare yourself all that cumbersome public interaction. Save a bundle on babysitters, movies, dining out, deodorant, toothpaste, underwear and other so-called "essential" commodities.

3. Attract a top-of-the-line stalker. They aren't just reserved for the rich and famous anymore - Molly Mommy from Minnesota can have her very own creepy guy following her in the grocery store parking lot begging her fingernail shavings. What are you waiting for?

4. It's a chance to gussy up your boring life so badly that you actually appear interesting. It's not lying so much as rather creative re-wording. "I went to McDonald's last night" becomes "I ate foi gras with the President of the United States on Air Force One last Thursday in honor of my recently announced Pulitzer Prize." Essentially the same message, but prettied up a bit.

5. You're able to threaten your friends and family with public humiliation on your site if they fail to do exactly what you say. When I went home for Thanksgiving last month my parents begged me not to write a word about them on my blog for fear of some form of humiliation. I told them if they behaved nobody would get hurt. They were good as gold!

6. Have the entire web community chime in on your grammatical deficiencies. It's an amazing chance to grow in both writing skills and humility. No dangling participle goes unscorned!

7. The fact that you are an ebola-virus carrying, flea riddled outcast no longer cramps your social life - in fact, most of your new blogger buddies are too!

8. You have a license to say anything - the rule "if you don't like it, don't read it" totally applies here. This being said, most bloggers are unable to actually carry through with this for fear of public stoning, myself included. However, this rule does come in handy when you start receiving enraged emails after putting up your post "Why All Cats Deserve Slow, Painful Death - Especially Kittens."

9. Feed oodles of mis-information to the masses. Did you know that 94% of Americans are addicted to snorting Easy Cheese? Women are more likely to marry men who part their hair on the right rather than the left. If you spank your children when they are young, you'll never get wrinkles. Peanut butter causes brain cancer. What? You didn't know all this?

10. The fact that I'm an ex-KGB goon blogging from prison doesn't stop me from developing my fantastical online personality as a sweet young Mormon mom in southern California. At least until the prison guards find my contraband laptop and beat me up...

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sar, you're brilliant. Simply brilliant. Haven't laughed so hard in a while--thanks, I need that.

doug said...

Too funny. Love the kittens part.

compulsive writer said...

Don't you know? It's exactly that ex-KGB bad boy side of you that always keeps us coming back for more...

chronicler said...

heh.
I represent number seven thankyouvery much! now, my cover's been blown!

Oh, and number 11, then only reason to blog is so you can practice your dyslexia online with bloggers "spam" avoidance "word" verification. "But it is a word, they used it on blogger!"

Anonymous said...

Dude, Romo's mine! Besides, you're too old for him!

Yeah-- I went there! OH BURN!

p.s. I'm not sure if he's Mormon, either. You people can't take all the cute nice guys, now!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh. This is blogger brilliance! I love this site and look forward to it every day!

Keep up the good work.

Kelli - your dad's old assistant

Adrienne said...

Following on Chronicler's 11, I present:

"12. Blogging is a chance for introspection on how you communicate, which is appalling when you realize that you type how you talk and, really? You should cut back on your use of the the F-bomb."

Which is probably not applicable to most saintly Mormons, but being a heathen with a rather salty tongue, blogging has been quite enlightening to my character. And, evidently my character is rated R and not suitable for children...

A Payne said...

Ah yes! Number 5. The words my family hates to hear,

"I am totally gonna put that on my blog!"

Local businesses in my small town fear me.

"Oh, it's her! The Crappy Customer Service Police. She's not that hot."