December 5, 2006

Why A Mormon Should NEVER Be President

I've been getting a MSN poll emailed to me lately from friends asking whether or not I would vote for a Mormon presidential candidate. As you can see from the poll results, this link seems to be a favorite goodie floating around the Mormon email circuit and it looks like all 11 million of us have chimed in with our resounding "yes." But do we really know what we're asking for? I think not.

Lets look at some of the potential fallout of actually electing Mitt Romney, a Mormon man, as the President of the United States:

First and foremost, he would immediately delegate all the major responsibility to his wife, Ann. It's not that she wouldn't be totally competent to do the job, but she's not asking for this. Besides, she's already swamped making hygiene kits for every citizen in Darfur.

Secondly, this country simply cannot run on "Mormon Standard Time."
"Mr. President, the Secretary of Defense has been in your office for 3 hours waiting for orders..."
"Shoot! Tell him I'll be right there after I finish tracing my genealogy back to Charlemange."
I forsee big problems here.

Additionally, Mormons won't be able to complain about being oppressed and overlooked anymore. We LOVE to dwell on how hard it's been for us. Freezing pilgrims crossing the snowy plains on their way to Utah, Missouri Governor Boggs's extermination order, not being able to order the brain-meltingly delicious Grande Triple Mocha Cappa Yum Yum Swirl at Starbucks, we've had it hard and we're proud of it! All this sacrifice just to stick a Mormon up as President? I don't think so. But I could sure go for another round of crop-obliterating crickets!

The new job as President would get in the way of his already highly important job as the "Ward Greeter" on Sunday's. I know there is a country to run and everything, but who is going to shake everyone's hand when they come into the chapel each week? This was a divinely inspired calling from the bishop - unlike the Presidency which is determined by the uninformed American masses looking for a free "I Voted" sticker every four years. Don't mess with the Greeter.

You think the country was embarrassed by George Bush's 1976 D.W.I.? What is the press going to make of Mitt's embarrassing oversight at only having five children unlike the rest of us good Mormons that have 12? He's obviously just a poser using religion as a front to endear himself to the rest of us. Five lousy kids? You've got to be kidding me, Mitt.

And finally, have you forgotten that Mitt served his two years as a Mormon missionary in FRANCE!!! He's practically a native, people! Are you really willing to vote oui for Romney? Because the second you do, he'll be dressing our firemen in berrets and legislating that McDonalds dish up McFrogLegs on the sacred Breakfast Menu. Whatever happened to the American resolve we saw a few years ago with our "Freedom Fries?" Don't go soft on us now!


So please, on election day, take a moment and reconsider. Was Bill Clinton really that bad or was it the bad that made him fantastic as President? A "NO" for Mitt is a "YES" for our future!

20 comments:

Lianne said...

You absolutely crack me up.

A Payne said...

Blogging Gold! I can't take it. I have to quit coming here. You are too good for me.

I am tempted to vote for Hilary just to see what happens. I'll tell ya what's gonna happen. Our middle class family with a stay-at-home mom that has never received a single dollar of government assistance is going to OWE $1600 at tax time again. All the while, our poor s-i-l with two illegitimate children, living in government housing, using WIC coupons, getting free government daycare and healthcare, receives an earned income tax credit of $3000! Welcome back 1998! Guess who bought a big screen tv that year to put in their government subsidized apartment?! NOt us! Was that a rant? I think that was a rant?

David said...

How's he going to do his Home Teaching (or for that matter, get home taught)?

kaff said...

I was one of the 11 million... get the mormons out of repression! :) Who knows what could be next!

Angela said...

Seriously--what kind of a calling do you give POTUS? He would surely have access to some resources that would make finding the lost sheep a whole lot easier! And imagine the turnout at ward parties!!

But, I can't vote for a Mormon just because he is like me on that one point. And, does it really matter who is in there anyway? All I want is someone who will give me a tax break instead of Jake's rich relatives!! They do buy us great Christmas gifts so I guess it evens out :)

Samantha said...

And aside from all the funny things, I think there would be some serious problems involved for everyone if this happened. But the funny things are funny anyway!

Molly said...

I just don't want to see what bumper stickers the world would come up with if a mormon were president. Spare me.
Also, every mistake he made would be blamed on his religion and not on his natural ability or inability to lead a country. I vote non (and that's a french non)for Monsieur Romney.

Adrienne said...

Also, let's be honest... Do we really want a man who doesn't drink coffee running our corner of the world? Drowsy diplomacy! It could be a disaster!

Anonymous said...

Wow.

I feel you're holding something back. Why don't you tell us how you really feel.

:)

Anonymous said...

he he...

Very funny...and I will have to make sure my husband reads this post too...

compulsive writer said...

You are TOO funny!

Loved this post!

Mahonri Moriancumer said...

Hilarious! I'm sending this out to everyone on the ward mailing list and then calling to make sure they've received it. Then I'm going to put together a fireside and assign jello molds to at least half the members of the Relief Society and hit up the Young Women to babysit.

Anonymous said...

I won't be voting for Romney. Vote for personal responsibility and individual liberty. Vote Libertarian.

Anonymous said...

I thought you were one of the last sane Benacs who hasn't let that liberal nonsense go to their head.
I know you're joking, I just hope people don't take you too seriously. Knowing the American public, they might just base their entire voting strategy on your one blog.

American Public said...

I am much to smart to base my entire voting strategy on one blog. As I understand the importance of being an informed voter, I usually read at least three or four and then break out my magic eight ball.

AzĂșcar said...

This post is brilliant.

Amen and pass the frog-eye salad!

Karen said...

sarah, best post EVA!!!!!

sumama said...

On the YES vote side, can you imagine the money our government could save simply by having the Elders' Quorum move the families of all our congressmen and representatives when their terms expire?

Julie said...

I got that e-mail the other day too! Your post is AWESOME. I snorted out loud. Excuse me while I get a tissue to wipe off my computer screen.

Jon said...

This was great! I loved it. I can't imagine that Romney will ever get the Republican nomination, but I'd love to see the security at Ward Temple Night if he ever did. Will the secret sevice members have to be endowed?