Why A Mormon Should NEVER Be President

I've been getting a MSN poll emailed to me lately from friends asking whether or not I would vote for a Mormon presidential candidate. As you can see from the poll results, this link seems to be a favorite goodie floating around the Mormon email circuit and it looks like all 11 million of us have chimed in with our resounding "yes." But do we really know what we're asking for? I think not.

Lets look at some of the potential fallout of actually electing Mitt Romney, a Mormon man, as the President of the United States:

First and foremost, he would immediately delegate all the major responsibility to his wife, Ann. It's not that she wouldn't be totally competent to do the job, but she's not asking for this. Besides, she's already swamped making hygiene kits for every citizen in Darfur.

Secondly, this country simply cannot run on "Mormon Standard Time."
"Mr. President, the Secretary of Defense has been in your office for 3 hours waiting for orders..."
"Shoot! Tell him I'll be right there after I finish tracing my genealogy back to Charlemange."
I forsee big problems here.

Additionally, Mormons won't be able to complain about being oppressed and overlooked anymore. We LOVE to dwell on how hard it's been for us. Freezing pilgrims crossing the snowy plains on their way to Utah, Missouri Governor Boggs's extermination order, not being able to order the brain-meltingly delicious Grande Triple Mocha Cappa Yum Yum Swirl at Starbucks, we've had it hard and we're proud of it! All this sacrifice just to stick a Mormon up as President? I don't think so. But I could sure go for another round of crop-obliterating crickets!

The new job as President would get in the way of his already highly important job as the "Ward Greeter" on Sunday's. I know there is a country to run and everything, but who is going to shake everyone's hand when they come into the chapel each week? This was a divinely inspired calling from the bishop - unlike the Presidency which is determined by the uninformed American masses looking for a free "I Voted" sticker every four years. Don't mess with the Greeter.

You think the country was embarrassed by George Bush's 1976 D.W.I.? What is the press going to make of Mitt's embarrassing oversight at only having five children unlike the rest of us good Mormons that have 12? He's obviously just a poser using religion as a front to endear himself to the rest of us. Five lousy kids? You've got to be kidding me, Mitt.

And finally, have you forgotten that Mitt served his two years as a Mormon missionary in FRANCE!!! He's practically a native, people! Are you really willing to vote oui for Romney? Because the second you do, he'll be dressing our firemen in berrets and legislating that McDonalds dish up McFrogLegs on the sacred Breakfast Menu. Whatever happened to the American resolve we saw a few years ago with our "Freedom Fries?" Don't go soft on us now!


So please, on election day, take a moment and reconsider. Was Bill Clinton really that bad or was it the bad that made him fantastic as President? A "NO" for Mitt is a "YES" for our future!