Negative Population Growth

I was down at the mailbox yesterday and saw an oversized envelope sitting on top of my neighbor's box. It was from "Negative Population Growth" in Alexandria, Virginia. I've heard a lot about population control, even zero population growth, but negative growth? Does this group advocate murder? This is the neighbor who shares a bedroom wall with my two year old... should I be worried? I got online to investigate. I quickly found their website and spent the next half hour laughing at their moxie.

The group claims that by emphasizing the two child limit and restricting immigration we can cut the U.S. population in half over the next two generations. I read through their entire proposal and will highlight some of their suggestions to accomplish this goal. As the sixth child in a family of eleven, I was highly amused:

• First, they believe we should cut back by 80% on immigration to the United States. The problem lies, they claim, in the fact that once we let in a worker, we then let in his or her family and allow them to breed. To stop allowing citizenship based on marriage would lead to "ending all family reunification" and thus spawning in general.
  
• Second, they propose "an end to citizenship by birth for 'anchor babies' born here to illegal and temporary visa aliens." Who cares that they were born in the U.S.? The Constitution be damned! Their parents' were filthy immigrants so why should we give them the time of day?
• The group hopes for "endorsement of the two-child family by political leaders." Gone will be the days of the baby kissing politician. Twenty years from now you won't be able to catch a presidential candidate in the same room as a baby - such bad P.R.!
• "Education of parents and children in the immediate and long-term benefits of smaller families." Okay - first of all, anyone crazy enough to have two babies is probably crazy enough to have four. Having kids never has and never will make sense. You can't logic with us breeders! Of course we know it would be more fun to go on cruises to Hawaii every year rather than cruise Walmart for diaper deals. Parenthood wacks your brain - education is futile.
  
• Getting women back into the workforce and out of the breeding ground that is the home.
• Universally available birth control and abortions.
• "Advocacy of abstinence by government, social and religious groups, on practical and moral grounds as appropriate, to discourage teen pregnancies." Now there's a fresh idea - telling teens not to have sex. Why didn't we think of that before?
  
• "The elimination of tax benefits for children beyond the second child." I hope they include in this proposal free therapy for the third child when he realizes his country hates him.
  
• Lastly, "priority in public housing programs for families with fewer than three children." This one really doesn't make sense. You can find a cardboard box big enough for a small family but a box big enough to fit five people? Let's be practical here.
  

Their proposal references counties in the United States which have made payments to young girls who avoid pregnancy. They also reference methods tried in other countries, "such as higher user fees for access to maternity care for women with several children, or priority access to good schools for small families, or limiting welfare payments to large families." Each idea more stunning than the next! I have to conclude that this group was founded by a couple of sterile, bitter men who got stuck sitting next to my screaming baby on a cross-country flight.

Their webpage has a "Get Involved" section which I can only imagine details how to ridicule your friends with minivans, how to treat a date poorly so you'll never get married and propagate and tips on all the latest and greatest racial slurs. You can contribute to their campaign on many levels but the one they'd appreciate most is if you just stuck a gun to your head and pulled the trigger. Or if you're too chicken, simply visit their beautiful Alexandria, Virginia headquarters and they'll happily do it for you.

Don't wait - depopulate!