February 2, 2007

What Not to Blog About

I’m not supposed to blog about my child. Twisted predators may discover her online, kidnap her in the night and use her to provide charming toddler stories for their blogs instead of mine. The sickos.

I’m not supposed to blog about my moral convictions. Heaven forbid I tick off the Wiccans with my family's ban on drinking blood at the dinner table and the ACLU sues the pants off me.

I’m not supposed to blog about bodily orifices or any matter that escapes them. My readers can’t be troubled with the devastations of anatomy. I don't even know what toilets are for. Kitty baths? Foot spas?

I’m not supposed to blog about my husband. I would hate to crush is employer's heart by the revelation that the man bleeds. His law firm hired him to be a ruthless lawyer who would swallow live kitten whole at a Senior Partner's request. I don't dare portray a man with a healthy personal life.

I’m not supposed to blog about why parenting can stink. Imagine all the young idealists I could talk out of having children with one really graphic post about a diaper explosion in the grocery store. I can't have that on my conscience. Instead I rely on manipulative propaganda: Stretch marks are the new cleavage! Colic is groovy! Spanking can be fun!

I’m not supposed to blog about my siblings. After a many distressed phone calls from my family, I’ve realized I’m an embarrassment to everyone around me and to please limit my posts to making fun of the common enemy - yours truly.

I’m not supposed to blog about my job. Being an Apartment Manager gives me Double O status and revealing the lurid details of my finds while cleaning the laundry room would incense my employer and land me out on the street.

I’m not supposed to blog about why Southern California is better than any other locale in the United States. But it is. Get over it. Join us.

I’m not supposed to blog about anything that makes my church look silly. Mormons are NOT silly people. Try us. Tell us your best joke and we'll stare you to the ground. Have you ever seen one of our missionaries in the dead of summer on a women's bicycle in a full dress suit with his pants rolled up, wearing a teal helmet and a Winnie the Pooh backpack full of scriptures? Yeah. We're dead serious.

I’m not supposed to blog about my in-laws. So what if their idea of fun on a Saturday night is setting fire to a huge pile of trash full of dirty diapers and standing around in a circle while the glowing embers fall slowly into their hair. I have no comment. No comment whatsoever. Zip.

I'm not supposed to use anyone's real name on the blog. If I ever did reveal someone's secret identity online and they didn't turn up a stalker or two it would crush their illusions of grandeur. It's better to just pretend we are all stalker-worthy and exist under our intriguing screen names of PookieCakes and SkiddleBum. Anonymity is all that stands between us and detestable fame.


With all these restrictions, I'm amazed I’ve been able to sustain this site for over a year. Fear not, I have an exciting agenda planned for the month of February. You can look forward to a twelve part installment on the pros and cons of breathing and an enthralling How-To series on folding navy socks. I promise you'll feel no emotions whatsoever while reading them and forget everything you've read instantaneously. In fact, you may end up a little dumber for having read it. It's everything the masses want! Hollywood Flakes offers you its protection.

15 comments:

Rev. Qelqoth said...

And what on earth is wrong about bodily secretions? :D

Suzie Petunia said...

I'm dying to know what set you off.

BTW, my husband (AKA "Zook"... not his real name, thank goodness) made me promise a couple days ago to stop using our kids' real names on my blog. I said I would if it meant that much to him, but that I wouldn't go back and edit over 2 YEARS worth of posts to protect our anonimity. Why do I blog if not to get attention? What good is the attention if no one knows who you are?? I think my brain just imploded.

Sarah said...

Suzie, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. And you're one of my favorite bloggers so please don't make me say what caused this little rant.

Good luck turning your blog anonymous. I've contemplated it a few times but the scope of actually doing it overwhelms me.

Bex said...

You forgot to mention being politically correct. You must always be politically correct on your blog.

chronicler said...

I have to blog anonymously, if I didn't, y'all would find out that I only got out of jail a few years ago, and no one would read my blog then. :-(

Lisa M. said...

Oh Chronicler the evil one. We already know.

*smirk*

Screw the masses, I'll take my chances.

The Wiz said...

Funniest.Post.Ever.

Mitch Mcdad said...

too many restrictions....without orafice posts, I'd have not material...first time here...like it so far. And yes, so cal rocks. we miss it so cal f-ing much.

Lianne said...

Holy Hannah! Mormons AREN'T silly, that's why I've gotten in trouble with my Bishop before about my blog.

Heaven forbid they actually believe I'm channeling Katie Holmes.

Loved this post!

Janell said...

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get me ;)

clyde said...

Here are humble excerpts of my no-valuable opinion:

1. Post about child: NO! Especially don’t share pictures. Grossed me out just to think of seeing Penny's stomach cellulite in a predator's photo gallery. Yuck!
2. Blog of moral convictions: Hmmm…
3. Post about orifices, etc.: I'm in the dark side too... my first guess is that a toilet is an occasionally toddler drinking fountain
4. Post about husbands: Who else we'll use as a target for all our frustrations so GO FOR IT, girl! After all, the lawsuit practitioner will come in your way, not mine.
5. Post about parenting: Wait until you have #2, your life will be full of nonsense stories (And of course you'll have a lot to post about mean friends whom put you out of their -just-for-one-child-parents- party invitation list.)
6. About siblings: I don't have blood bros/sis living around, so I chitty-chat about my in-laws siblings to coupe (bother) with. It's a good therapy.
7. Post about job: Definitely yes, if you don't write about this how we'll know about your psycho neighbor/s who will kill you with a butter knife when you don't take care of their complaints. Tell them that I suggest an sling-shot :)
8. Talk about Southern California getting better lately... Yes I agree, much better.
9. Mormons: HAHAHAHAHA! And you're not even mentioning our teddy bears earrings and apron-front dresses... Actually we're doing much better with our classic “groom jumping in the air" wedding photo pose. Now the bride needs to jump too. Sweet!
10. About the in-laws: Ahhhh... It's a tricky dilemma. I'd say it depends if you have a father-in-law who also likes to burn a pile wood, branches and debris every weekend after a long day's work on the farm just to see how high he can get the flames to go. If this is the case, YES you go ahead and blog them. As you see you aren’t alone with the blessing of having crazy fire-maniacs in our family.
11. Post using real names: Just for your discreet ears you can call me Cuchi-Cuchi (pronunciation Coo-chi Coo-chi) Or if you prefer call me Mamacita

Dear Sarah, one more time you're our most precious free, open 24 hrs. entertainer so please, just act as you don't care about the real issues in others life. And most important tell us more about secret secrets that are tormenting your mind, you heart and your soul... just spit/expose them out, Mrs. Flake!

Now I need a nap… too much of my brain cells went in this comment.

clyde said...

I have an special request: don't add letter-length commenters to your "what not to blog about" list. PLEASE... Pretty Please! :)

s'mee said...

I would post photos of myself and my offspring, however, I have learned well from high school years that you would all hate me because I am prettier than all of you. And smarter. Oh, and thin. Real thin. And rich. Plus I was a cheerleader.

Yes, I am. My mom told me I was!

Lisa M. said...

Smee,

I concur.

*GRIN*

You really are very beautiful.

jared said...

One thing wrong with S CA. We will never be able to buy a house there, and I really don't want to rent until I die.