March 12, 2007

For all you Mormons out there...

Fact or Fiction:

Every kid you have means one less hour of church meetings you have to attend each week to reach the celestial kingdom

Not wearing pantyhose to church means you’ll never get a calling with the youth organization

The more righteous you are, the bigger piece of bread you are entitled to on the sacrament tray

Completing the scouting program is a test of blind faith, not of manhood

Any home or visiting teaching that happens on the last day of the month gets you closer to hell, not heaven. You are better off just skipping it until next month.

Holding regular family home evening will ensure your children develop an acute case of Monday night narcolepsy

Getting married in the Salt Lake Temple means your marriage has a higher chance of success than if you got married in another temple

When you fail a class at BYU you have to pay double tithing that month

The fact that you can’t buy a Coke in a temple cafeteria is solid proof that caffeine in any amount is an abomination

If you aren’t related to your spouse at least three generations back you probably don’t come from a “strong Mormon family”

Watching Napoleon Dynamite for an hour is equivalent to reading your Book of Mormon for an hour

If you get your picture in the Conference Issue of the Ensign you’re guaranteed to get married within the next 30 days

The Second Coming will be announced over KBYU. Any Mormon foolish enough not to subscribe to this vital cable channel will be left behind.

Vegetarians are faithless sinners. We all know we're supposed to "eat meat sparingly."

Alright guys, what did I forget?


The Crazy King of Clowns said...

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Could i exchange links with you? My blog's Infinitely CRAZY. Please do leave me a comment if u agree!

Thanks a ton!

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a Latter Day Saint said...

yeah, and if you feel nauseous reading ideas like these, then you also have no sense of humor (typical Mormon). Why do people perpetuate this crap?
Sorry, but give me some dignity, I'm just trying to be a disciple of Christ. It's hard enough.

Toni said...

Ok- I'm not a Mormon, but I still found it funny!

chronicler said...

heh. you are too funny! I especially like the scouting one. I always said the reason I had three daughters was because my lack of testimony towards scouting...

The others, well, maybe I failed a class at BYU but I know just by going there I have an in to the CK!

Sarah said...

Dear "latter day saint," with this post, I have effectively ruined any chance you ever had for commanding dignity for the rest of your life. This was probably a bad day for you to go blog-surfing.

Adrienne said...

We get the BYU channel on digital cable. It's what I put on when I have insomnia. Am I going to hell?

Also, based on what I've seen, it's time for a hair intervention with some of those ladies...

Sarah said...

You got it right on that one, Adrienne. Don't even get me started on the "celestial puff" most of those women sport. I'm pretty sure you can snap those hair styles off an on but they make you stick one on before appearing on KBYU.

Stephanie said...

You didn't mention the denim or knit jumpers and 80's flats that seems to be a uniform of sorts. Sometimes I'm glad to be a convert; I missed that part of the requirements.

Kerri said...

I love this Sarah!

Here is another -

Stay-at-home moms who run a successful Pampered Chef business are guaranteed to have an Eternal Family

Janell said...

Here are a few more for you:

It doesn't matter how sheer or tight an outfit is, so long as it covers everything between your knees and your collar bones, it's modest.

If two parents are getting a divorce it's a sure sign that they didn't have regular family home evening.

Relief Society without a table cloth is a mockery of the organization.

Family home evening on Monday is a commandment. No other day of the week may substitute.

We are never required to read the scriptures so long as we can quote a Desert Book publication telling us what the scriptures say.

The Bible is difficult and obsolete because we have the Book of Mormon. Double points against the Old Testament because one must study it instead of merely reading it. (A Bible, a Bible, we have a Book of Mormon.)

Any woman regardless of age is fashionable with a Winnie the Pooh character.

A Young Women's lesson without hand outs is not a real lesson.

Sarah said...

Janell and Keri - thanks for the additions! Amen to the "sheer or tight" one.

Molly M said...

For men, if you wear colored shirts to church, you will never be called to be Elders Quorum President. The brighter the shirt, the better (unless you are hoping for the calling, then you should wear the whitest shirt you can--better yet, a short sleeved white shirt and tie--perpetual missionary uniform).

doug said...

Oh my heck, too fetchin' funny.

Scouting's my major said...

latter-day-saint: It's funny how you mention crap and dignity in the same breath. Also, it shouldn't be so hard to be a "disciple of Christ". Maybe if you lightened up a little, you would have more fun being a Mormon.

Sarah: Did you make this stuff up? I thought that it was all really original and extremely funny.

Sarah said...

Sadly, yes. I really do have nothing better than to sit around thinking up stuff to make you guys smile. Thanks for 'preciatin' me!

Adam said...

Adrienne, don't fall asleep watching KBYU. You can see my mom on there every once in a while, teaching a class about how to hold a great family reunion (they rerun the tape of her lecture in perpetuity). Oh, so worth it.

AzĂșcar said...

Ha! Glad I'm not the only one with a parent who also appears regularly on KBYU.

Lianne said...

If you don't start your testimony with, "I'd be ungrateful if I didn't...." you aren't really feeling it.

If you don't smack your lips a little when you talk about "precious spirits" you just don't have the Holy Ghost with you when you teach.

If you write in big bold letters the word "SEX" in Relief Society, you will be immediately released from your calling. (It worked for me. I'm still known as the lady who talked about sex in RS)

If you offend your Bishop because you teased him a little before he stopped dying his hair, he won't talk to you and he will release you from all your callings. (Hey, it worked for me!)

I guess I"m really a bad Mormon....

Minnesota dreamer said...

What did you forget? Well, your decorum, dahling. But that's not really your thang anyhow, so have a nice day. Better yet, have a nice baby, and soon!

Janell said...

Adam said, "You can see my mom on [KBYU] every once in a while, teaching a class about how to hold a great family reunion. . ."

O_O I've SO seen that running before. I even watched about 10 min of it. I feel so well-connected now! "I read the blog of someone I don't know who is married to a guy who's mother is on KBYU."

Colleen said...

(Copied from my response on MMW)
Sex is off limits on fast Sunday. A BYU professor said it, so it must be true!

Bex said...

This list is hilarious!! But I do think you forgot one important item: The more you serve green jello with carrots and funeral potatoes, the more likely you are to go to the Celestial Kingdom.

same latter day saint said...

Okay, 1st comment was written in frustration.

Points taken:

*dignity- the wrong word, what's the spiritual equivalent?

*saying crap- undignified

but I won't conceed that being light-minded is better than speaking up when you see something that is hurtful and wrong.
I just don't get why this old worn out caricature is brought out to represent us ever. It's a vain, selfish, petty, opportunistic mascot. No good comes of it.
My religion is sacred and dear to me, and this always feels like it crosses some line.
Pres. Hinkley asked us to stop using the term Mormon when talking about our members, I think it's because of the ugly connotations we're so fond of propogating. With the 12 million members all around the world, this mascot is not only lame, she's obsolete. The typical "Mormon" doesn't even live in the U.S.

Janell said...

Lianne's reminded me of one!

It's never that you did something spiffy it's that you "recently had the opportunity to" do that something. "I recently had the opportunity to travel," "I recently had the opportunity to visit a nursing home," "I recently had the opportunity to read the scriptures," etc.

After all, it's not a testimony without the word "recently" somewhere in it.

Rachelle Black said...

Dear Latter Day Saint,
I totally understand your frustration at the world's perspective of our religion. It is insulting and mildly unnerving to say the least, and I respect your position on this subject.

That said, I have lived through a life chock full of bad stuff and if I was unable to retain my sense of humor I would certainly be dead right now. I say this in all seriousness.

When Sarah posts things like this, it makes me think. Think about what is funny about life, and other people's perceptions.
Some of the ideas Sarah wrote about come right from our own church members. Believe it or not.

I won't tell you to lighten up, because I believe individual spirituality to be a serious and personal matter between oneself and the Lord.
I will tell you though that for this Latter Day Saint, laughing has kept me alive and sane throughout a very scary life. And I feel I know Sarah well enough to know that she means no disrespect.
Nuff said, sorry Sarah for the rant!
No comments from the peanut gallery about my actual sanity level!

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