For all you Mormons out there...
Fact or Fiction:
Every kid you have means one less hour of church meetings you have to attend each week to reach the celestial kingdom
Not wearing pantyhose to church means you’ll never get a calling with the youth organization
The more righteous you are, the bigger piece of bread you are entitled to on the sacrament tray
Completing the scouting program is a test of blind faith, not of manhood
Any home or visiting teaching that happens on the last day of the month gets you closer to hell, not heaven. You are better off just skipping it until next month.
Holding regular family home evening will ensure your children develop an acute case of Monday night narcolepsy
Getting married in the Salt Lake Temple means your marriage has a higher chance of success than if you got married in another temple
When you fail a class at BYU you have to pay double tithing that month
The fact that you can’t buy a Coke in a temple cafeteria is solid proof that caffeine in any amount is an abomination
If you aren’t related to your spouse at least three generations back you probably don’t come from a “strong Mormon family”
Watching Napoleon Dynamite for an hour is equivalent to reading your Book of Mormon for an hour
If you get your picture in the Conference Issue of the Ensign you’re guaranteed to get married within the next 30 days
The Second Coming will be announced over KBYU. Any Mormon foolish enough not to subscribe to this vital cable channel will be left behind.
Vegetarians are faithless sinners. We all know we're supposed to "eat meat sparingly."
Every kid you have means one less hour of church meetings you have to attend each week to reach the celestial kingdom
Not wearing pantyhose to church means you’ll never get a calling with the youth organization
The more righteous you are, the bigger piece of bread you are entitled to on the sacrament tray
Completing the scouting program is a test of blind faith, not of manhood
Any home or visiting teaching that happens on the last day of the month gets you closer to hell, not heaven. You are better off just skipping it until next month.
Holding regular family home evening will ensure your children develop an acute case of Monday night narcolepsy
Getting married in the Salt Lake Temple means your marriage has a higher chance of success than if you got married in another temple
When you fail a class at BYU you have to pay double tithing that month
The fact that you can’t buy a Coke in a temple cafeteria is solid proof that caffeine in any amount is an abomination
If you aren’t related to your spouse at least three generations back you probably don’t come from a “strong Mormon family”
Watching Napoleon Dynamite for an hour is equivalent to reading your Book of Mormon for an hour
If you get your picture in the Conference Issue of the Ensign you’re guaranteed to get married within the next 30 days
The Second Coming will be announced over KBYU. Any Mormon foolish enough not to subscribe to this vital cable channel will be left behind.
Vegetarians are faithless sinners. We all know we're supposed to "eat meat sparingly."
Alright guys, what did I forget?
Comments
Sorry, but give me some dignity, I'm just trying to be a disciple of Christ. It's hard enough.
The others, well, maybe I failed a class at BYU but I know just by going there I have an in to the CK!
Also, based on what I've seen, it's time for a hair intervention with some of those ladies...
Here is another -
Stay-at-home moms who run a successful Pampered Chef business are guaranteed to have an Eternal Family
It doesn't matter how sheer or tight an outfit is, so long as it covers everything between your knees and your collar bones, it's modest.
If two parents are getting a divorce it's a sure sign that they didn't have regular family home evening.
Relief Society without a table cloth is a mockery of the organization.
Family home evening on Monday is a commandment. No other day of the week may substitute.
We are never required to read the scriptures so long as we can quote a Desert Book publication telling us what the scriptures say.
The Bible is difficult and obsolete because we have the Book of Mormon. Double points against the Old Testament because one must study it instead of merely reading it. (A Bible, a Bible, we have a Book of Mormon.)
Any woman regardless of age is fashionable with a Winnie the Pooh character.
A Young Women's lesson without hand outs is not a real lesson.
Sarah: Did you make this stuff up? I thought that it was all really original and extremely funny.
If you don't smack your lips a little when you talk about "precious spirits" you just don't have the Holy Ghost with you when you teach.
If you write in big bold letters the word "SEX" in Relief Society, you will be immediately released from your calling. (It worked for me. I'm still known as the lady who talked about sex in RS)
If you offend your Bishop because you teased him a little before he stopped dying his hair, he won't talk to you and he will release you from all your callings. (Hey, it worked for me!)
I guess I"m really a bad Mormon....
O_O I've SO seen that running before. I even watched about 10 min of it. I feel so well-connected now! "I read the blog of someone I don't know who is married to a guy who's mother is on KBYU."
Sex is off limits on fast Sunday. A BYU professor said it, so it must be true!
Points taken:
*dignity- the wrong word, what's the spiritual equivalent?
*saying crap- undignified
but I won't conceed that being light-minded is better than speaking up when you see something that is hurtful and wrong.
I just don't get why this old worn out caricature is brought out to represent us ever. It's a vain, selfish, petty, opportunistic mascot. No good comes of it.
My religion is sacred and dear to me, and this always feels like it crosses some line.
Pres. Hinkley asked us to stop using the term Mormon when talking about our members, I think it's because of the ugly connotations we're so fond of propogating. With the 12 million members all around the world, this mascot is not only lame, she's obsolete. The typical "Mormon" doesn't even live in the U.S.
It's never that you did something spiffy it's that you "recently had the opportunity to" do that something. "I recently had the opportunity to travel," "I recently had the opportunity to visit a nursing home," "I recently had the opportunity to read the scriptures," etc.
After all, it's not a testimony without the word "recently" somewhere in it.
I totally understand your frustration at the world's perspective of our religion. It is insulting and mildly unnerving to say the least, and I respect your position on this subject.
That said, I have lived through a life chock full of bad stuff and if I was unable to retain my sense of humor I would certainly be dead right now. I say this in all seriousness.
When Sarah posts things like this, it makes me think. Think about what is funny about life, and other people's perceptions.
Some of the ideas Sarah wrote about come right from our own church members. Believe it or not.
I won't tell you to lighten up, because I believe individual spirituality to be a serious and personal matter between oneself and the Lord.
I will tell you though that for this Latter Day Saint, laughing has kept me alive and sane throughout a very scary life. And I feel I know Sarah well enough to know that she means no disrespect.
Nuff said, sorry Sarah for the rant!
No comments from the peanut gallery about my actual sanity level!
Slainte~
Rachelle