April 9, 2007

An Eloquent Suggestion

Being nine day past my due date, I find myself besieged daily with the incredulous comment from friends, "no baby yet?" The answer is obvious. No. I'm still pregnant. I often wish those asking would take counsel from our friend Cyrano de Bergerac before falling prey to such an uninspired question.

Cyrano, a jovial literary figure, was forever plagued by the public with asinine comments about the obscene length of his nose. I have, therefore, taken the liberty of grafting my own retorts into playwright Edmond Rostand's famous monologue which Cyrano gave in response to a Viscount's stale insult that his nose was "big." My revisions are in blue.

"No baby yet?"

Me: Ah no! young blade! That was a trifle short!
You might have said at least a hundred things
By varying the tone. . .like this, suppose,. . .

Aggressive: Do I need to dig it out of you myself?

Friendly: Would it help if I put my foot here and pushed?

Descriptive: Your uterus...it's so...womby...

Curious: What's it like having an 8 pound midget Eskimo-kissing your bladder?

Gracious: You don't mind if I dry my bedsheets on your belly, do you?

Truculent: How many babies did you eat for lunch?

Considerate: I'm so sorry you're two weeks overdue. Please kick me until you feel better.

Tender: My poor child. I'd give you a hug but I fear my arms can't reach around you.

Pedantic: The pachyderm gains nearly half a ton of weight during pregnancy - but you already
knew that, didn't you. Have a peanut.

Cavalier: I assume it's too late to decree celibacy?

Emphatic: You've never looked worse. Never.

Dramatic: Swear to me you won't go to the beach this week. A blood oath!

Admiring: When I grow up and fall in love can I utterly destroy my perfect figure too?

Lyric: The lady doth consume too much, methinks.

Simple: What's the mortgage on that thing?

Rustic: Golly sugar, you done got yourself knocked up good!

Military: She's gonna' blow!

Practical: If you get any bigger the baby will give birth to you.

Or. . .parodying Pyramus' sighs. . . so this is what "happily ever after means..."

—Such, my dear sir, is what you might have said,
Had you of wit or letters the least jot:
But, O most lamentable man!—of wit
You never had an atom, and of letters
You have three letters only!—they spell Ass!

This post is dedicated to the genius of Edmond Rostand who penned the play "Cyrano de Bergerac," my forever favorite piece of literature. And to all mother elephants.


Nikki said...

HEEEEEHAAAAAAAAHAAHAHAAASNORT! I love it! I may just copy some of these lines. Or maybe I'll just send people to your site when they start bothering me with the same questions.

Janell said...

This post has me in stitches.

I'll send you my medical bill.

I agree with Nikki, I'll need to commit these lines to memory for an appropriate occasion.

Stephanie said...

I'd tell you how brilliant you are but you already know. I'll also keep this post in mind for my future pregnancies.

compulsive writer said...

Your practical response put me over the top! I want you to know I have never, nor I will, ask such a question. Because I have been pregnant bigger than a house and longer than an elephant and thus I know better.

I do keep coming back for updates, however. Just to make sure!

AzĂșcar said...

Don't mess with a pregnant woman. Just DON'T.

Toni said...

It wont be much longer! Hang in there!

Lindsay said...

Oh. My. Goodness. That was SO FUNNY! I don't know how anyone who's 9 days late can still have such a fabulous sense of humor -- points for you!

Adrienne said...

Man, my COWORKERS are starting to wonder when you're ever going to have this kid.

Look at it this way, though, maybe the kid will be so ready to get out of there you'll only be in labor for, what? 3 hours?

chronicler said...

Excellent! Bravo! My favorite is "considerate" If only!

Also practical is looking pretty good right now!

Please take time from your rushing about going to the hospital to lett us all know you're actually on your way, if the day ever does come. I check this thing at least 10 times a day just to see if the event is in process.

Thanks for indulging me needs! ;-)

Rachelle Black said...

Puh-lease!!! This baby is simply a future blogger! She/he knows the value of good drama, and a timely entrance.

And from one who went 16 days over (that would be my 10 lb 7 ozer) you have the right to simply slap anyone stupid enough to ask upside the head. This right is given to every woman who goes 5 days over, so you are well within the bounds here my dear.
.... you should put a couple of lines from Hermann Melville in there somewhere.....

PS... why does your comment thingy ask me twice to verify those weird letters??? ARGH! Should I click on the wheelchair???

Kristine said...

'Tis only the truly inane and slightly insane) that would dream of asking such a question to an overdue woman.

I had one friend that called me daily for 2 weeks...asking for baby news.
There wasn't any.
I wanted to scream...

I do check often, but NEVER, NEVER would I ask!

Lianne said...

OK.. here's the deal.

My son was 10 days late. He weighed 10 pounds 11 oz. (He turned 21 last Thursday)

It was my easiest and fastest delivery.

Baby is coming, I promise.

Watch Dallas re-runs. It worked for me. :)

Melissa said...

LOL - at least your sense of humor is still in tact :)

Heffalump said...

At least the baby has not eaten your brain yet. I always lost IQ points (never to be regained) when pregnant. How smart were you before if you can come up with such gems now with a baby who is possibly sucking your I.Q. with a straw?

pflower10 said...

That was a scream!!! Bravo!

CACKEL said...

well, you've won the contest for our family now that you've passed the eight day mark. So now I have to send a prize to you. and I will, as soon as I find out the gender of your baby. You deserve all kinds of prizes.

CACKEL said...

rachelle, that is the most I've ever heard of a woman going over in this day and age. the first thing I ask a doctor when I find out I'm expecting is what their induction policy is. Any doctor who lets a woman go over 7 days should have his/her license taken away.

s'mee said...

I suggest you use the eloquence of the gentleman being interviewed on the tape Azucar linked, next time anyone "tussles wit jood" reply with:

"No body wan no body da get haight-but, when jood push against da wall, yoi gonna toin agin da wall, ya-know?"

Choo know? Dooge whatcha gotta do! Potect jood and da kid; and da kid in da stomach too!

How much do I love love love that guy?

Lisa M. said...

SO is the baby here yet?


Mrs. M said...

I love Cyrano - and he's even better in the original French. That scene is the best. What do you think of the film with Depardieu?

Jeans Pants said...

Wow, good luck with everything. I hope it all goes well =0)

Clyde said...

No new post in two days, baby #2 is here or in his/her way... Does anyone else second this theory? (sigh)

PS because I love you I didn't ask if is the baby here yet? :)

Sarah said...

Sorry, Clyde, no babies here yet. Maybe today though! I'm feeling lucky :)

Amy said...

Who decided to give women an actual date to look forward to anyway? I think a due month should suffice.

Michemily said...

My mother just told me that my grandmother used to call her and say (in a wicked-witch-type voice), "Any PAINS yet?" Which is better, asking about a baby or about pains?