April 19, 2007

Reynolds Slow Cooker Liners versus Stupid

How could I pass up a chance to review the greatest invention of the 21st century? The ultimate testament to mankind's intellect? The one product in the marketplace that will change the way we develop as a society?

Crockpot Liners.

Inventing isn't as mysterious as it's cracked up to be. A friend of ours came up with the time-saving banana slicer. I also chanced upon this handy twirling spagehti fork. In this country, all you need to invent a best seller is a sense of the true laziness of our citizens. Thus we have Reynolds marketing Slow Cooker Liners so that you won't have to scrub your slow cooker after dinner. Simply pull out the liner after the meal, throw it in the trash and stick the pot back in the cabinet. No scrubbing. I took it one step further. Not only would I use the liners, but I'd have someone else make the meal. It don't get more American than that.

My first week back from the hospital after giving birth has been glorious. Both my husband and mother have been hovering at my elbows ensuring I don't do more than yawn. In only seven days I've gotten accustomed to my "Sultan" status and have found I have quite a knack at commanding the slaves. For Sunday dinner I sat on the couch and yelled into the kitchen, instructing my over-worked mother in preparing my royal feast. I bought a roast weeks ago for this purpose, a sumptuous Australian tri-tip. I gave my mom the Slow Cooker liners and set her to work braising the meat. "Don't forget to put the liner in!" I yelled from the couch. Too late. She had already dumped the roast into the un-lined pot. For the sake of an objective review, I demanded she take it out and wash the pot so we could tell if the liners really worked. As my slave, she humbly obliged me.

Six long hours later we were ready to eat. My mother had also prepared cheesy Italian bread and Spike had whipped up a delicious artichoke, tomato salad. I had the grace to rise from the couch for the special meal and we all agreed the roast tasted nothing like plastic despite its bagging. After the meal I followed Spike into the kitchen to see how the liner had held up during cooking. He lifted the bag out and I saw a pool of juice collecting at the bottom of the pot. Apparently, one of my slaves had pierced the bag with a serving fork during dinner. The Sultan was not pleased and made them wash the pot yet again.

Despite Reynolds best efforts to ensure our crock pot would go unsullied, when you factor in the incompetence of the slaves it ended up being twice as much effort with the liner as without. You can't beat stupid. I give the Slow Cooker liners a "10" but have scheduled a public beheading of my staff after church on Sunday. Children welcome to attend.

My mother took it upon herself during one of my many naps to hold a photo shoot with our glamorous crock pot. She has repeatedly declared herself to be one who finds beauty in everything and the crock pot liner proved little challenge. I'll leave you with this fetching picture she snapped which I think captures the inner beauty of the Slow Cooker Liner's delicate soul.


Janell said...

That's the prettiest picture of a crockpot liner I've ever seen! It's even the prettiest picture of a crockpot I've ever seen! Kudos!

I'm glad to hear that you're being cared for in a befitting manner.

Rachelle Black said...

Darn you!!
You were supposed to have the baby on April 11th.... thus, I would be having my baby apparatus removed whilst you were ushering in the princess there... what sublime timing! What divine providence!!
And you had to go and ruin it.

Oh well, I guess the next best date to shoot for would have been April 15th! Tax day suprise! Could have named her Deduction!

Hope you and sweetpea are doing well, she is a looker :))
Now, typing has tired me out, I need to go back to bed. This hysterectomy thing pretty much stinks... all the trouble of a c-section, and none of the rewards! I've been gipped!!

Adrienne said...

Man, that's a really good idea. Last time I made burgundy beef I had to scrape out the residue with a jackhammer.

Can I talk about recipes that include wine on a Mormon blog? Sorry!

Clyde said...

Glad to have you back... because you're staying, right?
(crickets chirping)
Okay, okay! Just because we're nice we'll give you one more week for full after-childbirt recovery :)

PS: About the crock pot liners... Nice tablecloth!

AzĂșcar said...

I am sad that the liner does not defeat stupid. I guess I'll have to wait for the foil that defeats angry, too.

Melissa said...

A crockpot liner?? What an interesting concept - hubby does the dishes around here and hates it when I use the crock pot. Maybe I'll get him some crockpot liners for Fathers day or his birthday. Kinda like the time he got me kitchen utensils for my birthday...

Dana said...

I have got to get some of those. My idea of cleaning the crock pot is to throw it away and buy a new one!

Chanel said...

oh yeah man, glad to hear from you , especially with your elevated status in society, SULTAN? Dang where are my slaves? Oh yeah I beheaded them all after the birth of the 1st child, so second time around was a far less annoying event. Although my slaves never made yummy dinners, I would think twice about the beheading.

Amy said...

Speaking of your mother, today while walking to the grocery store, I passed a homeless woman who looked exactly like her, crazy hair and everything. Your mom didn't happen to leave your side long enough to don a ragged sweatshirt and jog to Northern California this afternoon, did she?

Sarah said...

Woah - I'm in SO much trouble when my mom reads your comment, Amy!! But I guess it's her own fault for having the wildest hair in Texas.

Adrienne, my Mormon daddy has more cooking alcohol in his kitchen than Emeril. It scandalizes my saintly aunts, but I was raised on hot rum glaze and suspiciously tasty fish. They haven't kicked me out of church yet.

compulsive writer said...

Welcome back! I just returned from the hospital to meet my newest niece and I'd forgotten how delightful newborns are (especially when someone else is staying up at night with them.)

So sad the liners are not forkproof. I could tell you stories about forgotten crockpots.

Jenny said...

Can I get a liner for the stovetop, the blender, my pans? Why not line the whole kitchen in a thin layer of plastic so that when I move out, I don't have to do any cleaning...?

Basic Black with Pearls said...

Two things. First, I did not put a fork in that wonky crockpot liner. Second, my hair is discreetly pulled back in a little chignon at the nape of my neck, so no, Amy, that wasn't me jogging in Northern Cal, though I would love to get back there to do it sometime and visit my cool siblings and adorable parents in the Bay Area and Sacto. Third, (I know I said two, but let's just tack this on) thanks for confessing that your disgruntled two year old klepto'ed my iPod dock and charger. I've been going nuts around here trying to find it and I KNOW I packed it. I also know Penny loves to unzip bags and relocate the contents, so your peurile denials were met with inner skepticism on my part. Now that I know she smuggled my technology out of my suitcase and into the diaper bag, I can rest easy and look forward to seeing it in a couple of days.

That being said, I MISS you guys! Being your slave wasn't so bad, especially since Penny and I got to bunk up together and I got to sleep through the night. Thanks for that. I'll come out and slave for you any time, darling. And, oh, that Penny. I'm in WUB with her! She so reminds me of you at that age. Yes, you were just as smart and you had those same little floppy pillow lips. A trip back in a time machine, it was. Tell her I forgive her for her thieving ways and I pray she will come to visit me in Dallas ASAP!

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XaiBaro said...

Hahaha! That lazy person was my Dad! My mom used to do the scrubbing and he came up with the idea so that a) her life would be just a bit easier and b) so that HE wouldn't have to clean it! ;) Believe it or not, Reynolds brand is a knock-off.