Post Disclaimer: If you're one of those doggedly cheerful people who thinks weakness isn't an option, go ahead and skip this one. I know, I know, 'motherhood is a blessing.' Now go draw some pretty pictures of ponies to mail to orphans while I rave.
There are some things women aren't supposed to be honest about, but I'm a terrible liar and have to get this out. Something is wrong with me. I've been looking online for the symptoms of postpartum depression but haven't been able to find anything to describe my feelings over the past six weeks. Maybe one of you internet shrinks out there can diagnose with me something other than "failure as a mother." That one is a no-brainer. Here are a few of the common symptoms of PPD and the reasons they don't apply to my situation:
Sad mood, frequent crying
Sad? What a tepid adjective. How about "Blood Thirsty"? And I'd have to replace "frequent crying" with "hears frequent crying."
And Godzilla was "big boned." You've got to be kidding me. If by "disturbance" they mean 10 second intervals of laying down interspersed with leaping up in response to shrieks from small, beastly children then yes, I have sleep disturbance.
I'd laugh, but my mouth is stuffed full of mint Oreos. That reminds me, I need to go shopping for a bigger pair of maternity pants tomorrow.
Trouble concentrating or making decisions
Okay, so this one is spot on. I can't decide whether to put my head down the toilet or the sink disposal when the kids start screaming. Choices, choices...
Decreased interest in sex
Let's change this one to "Terrified of making eye contact with spouse for fear of spontaneous conception."
Thoughts of death or suicide
These thoughts have been transferred to my telephone. Should I take my rock hammer to it when it rings or make it look like a suicide and save myself my husband's disapproval? "It was awful , when I came home it was just swaying there by its cord..."
Feelings of rejection
No. My family seems to like me more than ever. My toddler follows me around giving me hugs, the baby gave me her first smile over the weekend and my husband caters to my every whim. I have friends calling, making dinners and sending care packages aplenty. You'd think with all this support I wouldn't be whining so much. What can I say? I'm a talented gal.
So there you go. Whatever it is, it's not good. I never did take Home Ec. in school. Maybe if a pony-tailed teacher had assigned me to care for a boiled egg for a week I would have realized that motherhood wasn't my forte. I probably would have eaten poor Eggbert for lunch on the first day. I'm sure he would have deserved it.
I actually captured Cher's first smile on camera this weekend. I've watched this movie about 100 times since then trying to make it through the ongoing screams today. It worked like a charm! Looks like I'll live to whine another day. Even if I can't diagnose the ailment, at least I've found the medicine.