May 28, 2007

Four-wheeling 101

So you've never four-wheeled before? No biggie. Here are a few tips to get you started:

When your brother-in-law asks if you want to try four-wheeling, give a token sigh of resistance before jumping onboard to try it out.

There are four things to focus on: the gear-shift, the gas, the breaks, and impressing your in-laws.

This is your maiden voyage. Don't spoil it by having someone ride on back who knows how the four-wheeler operates.

As soon as you hit open road, gun it. Go as far and as fast as you can. Throw in a few cowboy yips and yehaws if that's your sort of thing.

Out of road? No problem. Look for alternate routes. With any luck, you'll find a steep hill to drive down.

Don't bother checking what's at the bottom of the hill.

You may find a shed appears of out nowhere inches from your vehicle. At this point, punch the gas while fantasizing about brakes.

Crash. Don't worry about trying to see your life flash before your eyes. A simpler route is to think of your favorite expletive. Mine's 'crap.' I bet you can do better.

Let your womb absorb the entire impact. A little known fact is that in addition to babysitting, the womb makes a decent airbag. For you men, a low blow to the gut will suffice.

Blink. Good, you aren't dead. For added comfort, gently roll to the ground and lie gasping while contemplating just how impressed your in-laws will now be.

Walk back to base camp for help. I don't care how, just do it.

When you've secured a rescue team, direct them towards the crashed vehicle and head for home. You may be surprised at your overwhelming urge to lie down and moan.

Caution: It's imperative to ding up your arms and legs as well. A puffy womb-bruise is cool, but you can't pull up your clothes for every fan wanting to see your wounds. Ten other ghoulish bruises strategically placed on legs and arms should keep them entertained.

That ought to get you started, Happy Trails!


glittersmama said...

Oh man. I am so sorry. I've only ridden four-wheelers in the sand where crashes aren't so painful. I hope your womb bruise (hee hee) stops hurting soon.

Toni said...

OMG! Sarah, Sarah, Sarah! What were you thinking?? Glad you are still able to 'blink'!

1st- Arby's, now 4 wheeling? What has gotten into you??

Mrs. M said...

Sounds very exciting. Do we get to see pictures of the wounded? But really, I hope you're ok.

I have never been on a four-wheeler. I had enough problems on roller-blades that I think a large motorized open vehicle would be the end of me.

Chanel said...

you're funny, no i mean it, really really funny. not just witty but dang funny.
like hilariously funny.
crazy things happen to you and I truely appreciate you sharing the humorous side with us, you're quite the gal.

Sarah said...

Thanks, Chanel! It's easy to be funny when your brains have been knocked loose. I just hope I don't LOOK funny for too much longer.

pflower10 said...

I'm not sure that I saw THOSE directions in the manuel, could you point me in the right direction?

Lauri said...

Here's a shout-out (or maybe curse would be more appropriate) to brothers-in-law who offer their toys to unsuspecting novices. Mine offered my then-five-year-old a chance on a mini-bike, figuring that if said child knew how to gun the thing, he conversely must know how to hit the brakes. WRONG! We looked like Keystone Kops running after the run-away vehicle with my sobbing son astride it. No one could fault his steering or balance though. I'm still wondering years later how we escaped disaster that day!

Anyway, what a "vacation" you're having - I hear chocolate is great for bruises! Looking forward to the next episode!

Sarah said...

Lauri, that's the most terrifying thing I could imagine for my child! I hope this bro-in-law was appropriately penitant as opposed to giggling in the corner. Will your poor son ever ride a bike again?

Chocolate and bruises? Do I have to put it on the bruise or can I just sit in my sweats downing twix and moaning?

Melissa said...

Ouch!! But, did it totally impress the in-laws? Because, after your safety, that is the most important thing!

chronicler said...

Oooo I can hardly wait! heh.

Suzie Petunia said...

Poor thing! That sounds so painful! Don't go damaging that womb - it still needs to "babysit" lots of other babies...right? :)

compulsive writer said...

Gosh. You make it look so easy!

I love you for making me laugh. (But I hope your bruises heal up soon.)

C & A said...

I thought you handled the four-wheeled beast with style and grace, and as an in-law (and owner of the four wheeler which like the driver, survived the ordeal well) I was duly impressed.

s'mee said...

twix = asprin, take two and call us in the morning

Lauri said...

Sarah, the poor son was ready to hop back on within minutes and now that he's mostly grown-up is talking about buying his own motorcycle any day now. Oh, the resiliency of youth!