June 3, 2007

Anti-Optimisms

Antidepressants. I get it. It's not healthy to be doom and gloom 24/7. Better to medicate. So then we look to the opposite end of the spectrum...cheerfulness. How much is too much? Can you be unhealthily happy? In some situations a perma-grin isn't the appropriate response. At what point do we start medicating the overly optimistic?

Good news. For those who cannot let down their shield of smiles, there are Anti-Optimisms. Although the FDA has yet to approve most A.O.'s, these drugs will save even the staunchest optimist from themselves. Do you get headaches from your constant need to grin? Have you ever handed your child a cup of grape juice and walked away? Did you donate money to the Save the Pandas fund last year? Perhaps anti-optimisms are for you.

The most immediately effective of the anti-optimisms a super condensed pill made from axle grease. Taken twice a day, it gives the patient horrific acne. This alone usually curbs most unwieldy optimism within a few days and compels the patient to hide in the bathroom instead of fundraising. The drug has the added benefit of causing stomach discomfort which in turn stoops the posture and causes periodic grimaces, all healthy traits of the malcontent.

For less drastic cases, a simple muscle relaxer is used. The pill is meant to be sucked for five minutes while it relaxes the muscles surrounding the mouth. For the following 24 hours, patients find that smiling is difficult, if not impossible. Without the ability to smile, the subject's optimistic rhetoric is less believable to their associates or even comes off as sarcastic. Without the credibility factor of a smile, excessive optimism usually ceases within a matter of weeks.

For the toughest cases of excessive optimism, most doctors recommend moving to Detroit.

All patients who have treated their optimism have reported that they feel freed by the ability to hang up on telemarketers, honk when they are cut off in traffic and blatantly ignore young, male panhandlers. If you know someone who suffers from excessive optimism, intervention is crucial. Untreated cases can have devastating effects. Look at Tammy Faye Baker, George W. Bush and Tom Cruise. Don't let the same thing happen to the ones you love.

13 comments:

acte gratuit said...

I bought a thrift store t-shirt once that said "I'm so bad I vacation in Detroit"
I loved that t-shirt! And I'd love to have some anti-happy pills for people who DON'T have infants keeping them awake all freaking night!

Just caught up on your last few posts and loved them. I feel your new parent pain!

Mrs. M said...

I don't think I need any anti-optimisms although I'm feeling really perky since I took a nap today. What happened to Fab & Fertile?

Janell said...

I'm surprised the anti-optimisms directions didn't include "take with one does of reality."

Suzie Petunia said...

"healthy traits of the malcontent" ... I love this phrase. I will try to use it tomorrow in conversation.

And Sarah... Don't worry. Be happy. Doooo do do do-do-do do do do do-oo-oo. Name that song. Oh, wait. I just did.

Barney the Dinosaur said...

Thanks, Sarah. I've struggled with this my whole life.

Kate said...

I've been reading your blog for awhile, but this post made me laugh out loud on a very bad morning at work. I love your writing.

Adrienne said...

Wait, you got censored? By whom??? It's YOUR BLOG!

Also, I liked Fab and Fertile. Personally, I think your kids are great, but also... I've had zero face time with them. And they live in California. So, I guess I'd have to say my favorite kids are the ones on the other side of the continent? You should come visit! Can't hear Charlotte screaming in Indiana. ;)

Sarah said...

For any of you who missed the "Fertile and Fabulous" magazine cover, don't despair, it's under repair and will be back on board in no time :)

Barney, I'm glad I could offer you some words of comfort. I've got to admit, I've always had it out for you but it's nice to see your weak side.

Thanks for dropping a comment, Kate! Glad my snarky post made someone laugh!

Adrienne, don't worry about blog censorship. In the end, I'm the one with the password who decides what stays and what goes but I do try to keep the majority happy. But just because I love you, here's a tidbit just for you.

compulsive writer said...

Move to Detroit.

HA!

Marie said...

Why do I ever wander from this blog? Once again, I'm awestricked at your superior snarkage. If you ever decide to bottle it, I'll be first in line.

I was at the bloodbank the other day and wasn't at all anxious until this meth-fueled squeaky huggy bear of a phlebotomist started yapping and cooing at me. Let me alone lady -- your glee is making me queasy. Let me bleed and read my depressing novel in peace.

I hope these aren't the people who staff suicide hotlines.

Th. said...

.

I'm sorry to break up a serious discussion like this, and I know the humor wasn't intentional, but that grape juice line was hilarious.

Glo said...

Hardy ha ha - to the post and the t-shirt. This could be the best thing to ever happen to Barbie - other than drugs, of course - that was pretty awesome, too.

Drat. I think you used up all the good snark in the world. How dare you!

Adrienne said...

Re: your tidbit...

Even with photoshopped bags under your eyes, I envy... Nay, COVET those cheekbones.