Stoned

I’m on a Rolling Stones kick. I recently got my hands on their latest DVD release, The Biggest Bang. It’s a four disk DVD set with over 4 hours of concert footage from their 2006-07 tour for The Biggest Bang, their 2006 Superbowl halftime performance, and two behind the scenes documentaries. I’ve had the DVDs playing all week non stop and am finally, 47 years after the band was formed, a true believer in the gospel of The Stones. My toddler Pixie, on the other hand, thinks differently. “This music makes me want to leave,” she says, and storms out of the room in a huff.

I’m not too worried though. I’m sure when she’s 25, she’ll attend her first Rolling Stones concert and finally appreciate the joys of geriatric rockers shaking their bon-bons. After all, Mick and Keith are only 64. They still have time to woo a few more up and coming generations. I've never been to a live concert but thanks to these DVDs, I finally understand why this band is still just as alluring as it was 45 years ago: straight-up showmanship. A word to the wise, you can only buy this at Best Buy so any of you looking for Father's Day presents, head on over.

And so, with no further ado, I give you:

Ten Things Every American Should Know about The Rolling Stones

1. The band formed in 1962 and was part of “The British Invasion.” Their top competitors were The Beatles so the band’s manager tried to market the stones as The Anti-Beatles, and made them dress like hoodlums. I'm sure The Stones were really torn up about having to be bad. "But Officer, I'm tripped out because I'm trying to sell albums..." Right.

2. The band took to their hoodlum status quite naturally. In 1967 Jagger and Richards were arrested and convicted on drug-related charges. A newspaper protested that the sentences were, "....more severe sentence than would have been thought proper for any purely anonymous young sexy man," and both rockers were given a break on sentencing. The Welcome Home party undoubtedly featured "special" brownies.

3. In 1969, they hired the motorcycle group, Hell’s Angels, to serve as security at the Speedway in Altamont, California at a free “Thank You America” concert. Thanks to the free beer which the Hell’s Angels enjoyed at the concert, they ended up stabbing and beating to death a man attending the concert. Nice way to say thanks.

4. Andy Warhol designed the famous tongue and lips design which now is the trademark of the band. The Rolling Stones just didn’t think a can of tomato soup would do it.

5. Bill Wyman, The Rolling Stones’ original bassist, struck up a relationship with a 13 year old Mandy Smith when he was 47. When she was 19, he married her. The marriage lasted a little over a year. Soon afterwards, Bill’s son Stephen married Mandy’s mother who was 46. This made Stephen a stepfather to his former stepmother, Mandy.

6. The Stones were anti-commercialism and never licensed any of their music for advertising. In the 90's, Bill Gates approached the group and asked to buy the rights to the song “Start Me Up” to help launch the new Windows 95 operating system. Mick, thinking he was clever, jokingly responded Gates would have to pay $14 million, thinking the sum absurdly high. Gates didn’t blink and bought it. That was the “Doh!” heard round the world. Since then, The Stones are as commercial as they get. In 2007 alone, Keith Richards played on American Idol and appears in Pirates of the Caribbean, At the World's End.

7. In 2005, Mick Jagger began drinking Guinness beer by the bucketful, supposedly to try and put on a few pounds. His goal was to gain two pounds and go from his lifelong 140 pounds to 142. However, with his wild concert shenanigans and undying need to panther crawl around stage, he couldn’t gain an ounce. Poor lamb.

8. While on tour in 2006, Keith Richards fell out of a coconut tree in Fiji and needed brain surgery, causing a six week tour delay and Ron Wood spent a few weeks in rehab for alcohol. Ironically, this tour (for The Biggest Bang) has been declared the highest grossing tour of all time beating out one of their old records and U2. Apparently, sticking 63 year old Keith in the coconut tree was the secret to success.

9. The band has been playing together for 45 years, released over 400 songs, recorded 55 albums, had 37 top 40 singles and sold 200 million albums worldwide. But much to Snickers' chagrin, they still perform “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction,” their 1965 hit, at almost every concert.

10. Although The Beatles broke up over 25 years ago, they continue to sell more albums per year than The Rolling Stones. Maybe Mick should reconsider his wardrobe - I’m not sure shopping for his t-shirts in the Junior Miss section of Target is doing it for the ladies.