September 3, 2007

Newlywed, Unsatisfied and Crushed

Dear Hollywood,
I just got married a few months ago to the love of my life. What advice can you give us for building a strong and happy marriage?
-Newlywed in Pasadena

Dear Newlywed,
Never let selfish pride enter a marriage. Be the first to offer a sincere apology no matter who's to blame. It doesn't matter what you apologize for (I'm sorry we had a fight, I'm sorry you are drooly kisser, I'm sorry I purposefully ran over your mother with my truck - twice), an apology of any sort quickly sets a relationship back on track. While it may end up that you are always the one apologizing after a fight, your persistent determination to take back your man no matter what transpires between you will seal him forever to you. Oh, and never go see any movie where Matt Damon takes off his shirt on a two story tall movie screen. That's just asking for trouble.

Dear Hollywood,
My husband has a difficult time remembering anything I ask him to do. While he's otherwise a sweet, considerate guy, this particular failing drives me up the wall! Is there any way I can change this one little thing about him so that I can be the proud owner of the elusive perfect husband?
-Unsatisfied in Utah

Dear Unsatisfied,
Thankfully, there is no magic way to make a spouses do our bidding. If there was, all us women would be suckered into wearing hot pants and tube tops every day of our lives. You claim your husband has difficulty "remembering" your orders. I suggest the more likely scenario is that he purposely chooses to ignore them. I propose you implement a test to see which of us is correct. For a week straight order him to play golf every day after work. Then for the next week insist he run all your mindless errands after work. I have a feeling you'll find his forgetfulness is tellingly selective.

In pursuit of the the "elusive perfect husband," we often overlook the fact that we women are far from perfect ourselves. It seems only fair that our spouses be as failing-riddled as we are. I propose you set out on a new quest of becoming the owner of the attainable, good husband. You'll soon find yourself tripping over one.

Dear Hollywood,
Over a stretch of far too many months I was enamored with a young man, yet no application of roommate advice, no ploy of feminine wiles, nor courtly strategy encouraged the reciprocation of attention. It seemed that he was just not that interested in me, so I stopped seeking him out, and not just as an aforementioned tactic. My crush has long since been crushed, but recently he invited me on a date. We had a good time, and he promised to call later in the week. Its been a week and a day. Should I be worried, or should I use more conjunctions in this letter, or should I be concerned about these run-on sentences? What should I do, for I am most confused.
-Crushed in Crosby

Dear Crushed,
Men are simple creatures. From your wordy note I can tell that you are quite the opposite. I have a feeling this young man was initially overwhelmed by your onslaught of womanly tricks. Try calling him today and having a 30 second conversation using only two to three word sentences and see if this does not re-ignite his interest. Men don't need supplications for roommate advice, feminine wiles or courtly strategy. They need a gal who lets them watch football 3 days a week and laughs when they burp. Not unrelatedly, college football started up last week. Perhaps this explains why he has not yet called? My advice is to invest in a sports jersey and show up at his house at kickoff today with a six-pack and buffalo wings. Your crush will undoubtedly fall helplessly into your open arms.


Summer said...


Adum said...

I really liked the part about getting a good, attainable husband. "The Good-Enough Husband." You could make it a sequel (or a prequel, depending on your sense of propriety) of "The Good Enough Mother." I think this could become a religion of sorts.

Coonsfam said...

This is so great I can't believe it!! I have been sitting here laughing for quite some time!! My favorite is the football comments since we watched like 10 hours on Saturday.