Taco Bell Menu Complaint Letter
Dear Taco Bell,
Since your online customer complaint form only allows 250 words, I'll make this brief:
Since your online customer complaint form only allows 250 words, I'll make this brief:
It's one thing to save money by using sporks instead of spoons and forks, but to then supply cheap sporks that break before you can even get them out of their plastic wrap is just mean. I shattered two sporks before I was finally able to poke one out of its plastic bag. I then had to explain to my confused toddler what the heck it was and why she should eat with it."Pixie, use your spork," I said when she began shoveling the beef and rice dish into her mouth with her hands.
"My what?" she asked.
"Your...forget it." It was better she just use her hands then play your dirty game of spork. I tried to spear a piece of beef to lift to my mouth but the tiny teeth of my spork were unable meet the task. I ended up using my fingers as well.
At the end of our meal I cleared the table of spork fragments and the taco debris. I was headed for the door when my eye caught sight of the condiments bar. Don't bother reviewing the security tape, I'll just tell you. I grabbed two fistfuls of Fire Border Sauce packets and shoved them into my purse. That's right. I'm sporking it to The Man. Doesn't feel so good, does it?
Shame on you, Taco Bell. Shame on you.
Comments
But does my odd preference really merit the scorn of a spork? I think not.
Anyway - don't get me started on a Taco Bell rant.
It's an evil plot. They offer salads and rice bowls without providing proper utinselage, anticipating that the already famished health nuts who order such things will quickly give in to their gnawing hunger and buy a standard cheese-drenched tortilla item, thus doubling the cost of their meal (at which point they attempt to spork their eyes out in despair, but find that sporks are also poor tools for self-mutilation).
However, they didn't count on those crazy Flakes and their fistfuls of food...
After careful review of your letter we here at Taco Bell feel action must be taken swiftly, after all we are know as "fast food".
Currently we have Ned from product development being transferred to our Baker CA. office.
We have also instructed all Taco Bell Restaurants within the Pasadena/Arcadia/La Canada Flintridge and surrounding areas to de-spork their utensil stock and replace them with chop sticks until we can fully resolve this issue.
As a token of our apologies and to help you recover from any suffering and/or mental duress you may have incurred from this unfortunate incident, we are enclosing a coupon for a free Nachos Supreme and an order of cinnamon twists. These are predetermined finger foods and should help you avoid any utensils decisions until we can settle this matter fully.
Thank you,
Sincerely,
Walter K. Smoot
Head Honcho, Taco Bell
I worked at Taco Bell in high school. The grossest thing ever was watching the cashiers handle the money, then start bagging cinnamon crisps between customers, then handle money, over and over again, without washing their hands. I lost 30 pounds that summer, because I was constantly nauseous thinking about all the gross things that happened. It was awesome.
this still made me laugh tho.
All bow to the Spork,
Lovely plastic work of art,
In rainbow colors
I am the Spork man,
Missing my odd-numbered teeth,
Left by the wayside
Wonderful future,
Dancing, laughing, shiny sporks,
Ruling this happy world
Here is modern man,
Pondering the age-old thought:
"Two tines? Three? Or four"
Food or philosophy,
Wielding our sporks with panache
Life itself is tined
The Spork, true beauty,
The tines, the bowl, the long stem
Life now is complete