October 3, 2007

Taco Bell Menu Complaint Letter

Dear Taco Bell,

Since your online customer complaint form only allows 250 words, I'll make this brief:

It's one thing to save money by using sporks instead of spoons and forks, but to then supply cheap sporks that break before you can even get them out of their plastic wrap is just mean. I shattered two sporks before I was finally able to poke one out of its plastic bag. I then had to explain to my confused toddler what the heck it was and why she should eat with it.

"Pixie, use your spork," I said when she began shoveling the beef and rice dish into her mouth with her hands.
"My what?" she asked.
"Your...forget it." It was better she just use her hands then play your dirty game of spork. I tried to spear a piece of beef to lift to my mouth but the tiny teeth of my spork were unable meet the task. I ended up using my fingers as well.

At the end of our meal I cleared the table of spork fragments and the taco debris. I was headed for the door when my eye caught sight of the condiments bar. Don't bother reviewing the security tape, I'll just tell you. I grabbed two fistfuls of Fire Border Sauce packets and shoved them into my purse. That's right. I'm sporking it to The Man. Doesn't feel so good, does it?

Shame on you, Taco Bell. Shame on you.

32 comments:

Coonsfam said...

Please tell me that you actually sent this to them!!!

Hollywood said...

verbatim.

Silly Marie said...

Who uses utensils at taco bell?? It's probably my most frequented fast food place and I can't remember the last time I needed a fork or spoon or spork...

Hollywood said...

Yes, I'm the freak that orders a salad at taco bell. And Penny got the rice and beef bowl. Both fork-a-licious items. I used to only get the chili cheese burrito but then one day I woke up and realized they were nasty, nasty, nasty.

But does my odd preference really merit the scorn of a spork? I think not.

chronicler said...

heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee. Gotta love those sporks! And I thought they saved the inferior stuff for the IE!

pflower10 said...

Since when does Taco Bell have salads and beef and rice bowls?!?!?!?! I've never heard of that.

Mary said...

Brace yourself Sarah. In the Dallas ISD, the elementary school kids only get sporks to eat with. You might want to check out your local schools before you enroll Penny. It's never too early to be thinking about these things.

Janell said...

This will surely become part of the Complaint Hall of Fame at Taco Bell HQ ^-^

chan said...

You are hilarious!

velocibadgergirl said...

How dare they debase the Sacred Spork, the Best Eating Utensil Ever Created??

Suzie Petunia said...

There are a few things I would consider more urgent to complain to Taco Bell about. First and foremost: their food. Blek!

Nancy Sabina said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your spork issues - but was stealing the hot sauce really sticking it to them? I take 5 or 6 mild sauce packets every time I'm there. How else could I make Taco Bell Burritos at home? I consider it just evening-out the fact that they charge ridiculous prices that have increased ridiculously over the years. When I was in High School (and went to Taco Bell on a daily basis) a bean burrito cost an even 75 cents with tax. Granted that was 10 years ago - but still. And the quesadilla (as in a tortilla with just plain cheese - no sauce, nothing else) is also crazy expensive.
Anyway - don't get me started on a Taco Bell rant.

Hollywood said...

I guess I could have shot the cashier instead...

MommyJ said...

what I love about taco bell is that they have about a thousand things on the menu that all seem to look and taste basically the same. I mean seriously, how many different combinations of meat and cheese and beans can there be? Having said that, in all those combinations, I don't think I've ever had to use a spork. Now that I've had an official warning... I'll be sure never to order anyhing that isn't safely wrapped in a chewy, spork free tortilla.

Jenny said...

Another reason why not to eat at Taco Bell. I have the same aversion to Taco Bell that you seem to have toward Arby's. At least they have real forks and spoons at Arby's (not that I've ever needed one...)

Marie said...

Sporking it to The Man. Ha!

It's an evil plot. They offer salads and rice bowls without providing proper utinselage, anticipating that the already famished health nuts who order such things will quickly give in to their gnawing hunger and buy a standard cheese-drenched tortilla item, thus doubling the cost of their meal (at which point they attempt to spork their eyes out in despair, but find that sporks are also poor tools for self-mutilation).

However, they didn't count on those crazy Flakes and their fistfuls of food...

Susan M said...

When I was a kid my grandma had a set of sporks, and we thought they were the coolest things, ever. We used them for eating watermelon.

Melissa said...

Have you ever seen VeggieTales "Lord of the Beans"? You'll never look at sporks the same way again...

Melinda said...

"play your dirty game of spork" That was funny.

Special K ~Toni said...

I steal ketchup packets for school lunches.

Kate said...

Awesomest thing ever. I know from experience that Taco Bell tends to really honor complaints on their website. A friend complained once about repeatedly receiving the wrong order at a certain Taco Bell, and he got coupons for free meals and whatnot.

Walter K. Smoot said...

Dear Ms. Hollywood,

After careful review of your letter we here at Taco Bell feel action must be taken swiftly, after all we are know as "fast food".

Currently we have Ned from product development being transferred to our Baker CA. office.

We have also instructed all Taco Bell Restaurants within the Pasadena/Arcadia/La Canada Flintridge and surrounding areas to de-spork their utensil stock and replace them with chop sticks until we can fully resolve this issue.

As a token of our apologies and to help you recover from any suffering and/or mental duress you may have incurred from this unfortunate incident, we are enclosing a coupon for a free Nachos Supreme and an order of cinnamon twists. These are predetermined finger foods and should help you avoid any utensils decisions until we can settle this matter fully.

Thank you,

Sincerely,

Walter K. Smoot
Head Honcho, Taco Bell

kibler said...

dont tempt me... spork or no spork... Give me some taco bell heaven... 4 long weeks until i can taste the third degree meat and bean mush on my tounge...

Rachel said...

Spork, Spok, and Spam. I don't think any of them are the best of ideas. You are a sport, and your letter was splendid.

Sue said...

The salads have like, 10,000 times the calories of the other food. Well, the taco shell AROUND the salad at least.

I worked at Taco Bell in high school. The grossest thing ever was watching the cashiers handle the money, then start bagging cinnamon crisps between customers, then handle money, over and over again, without washing their hands. I lost 30 pounds that summer, because I was constantly nauseous thinking about all the gross things that happened. It was awesome.

Samantha said...

I still remember the first time I heard the word spork. My brother told me about that. I thought he was a genius for making it up...amazing that it's gotten all around the country!! Wait...

Jessica G. said...

"Sporkin' it to the Man" is going to be my new mantra.

Anonymous said...

okay? why would you use anything besides your hands at taco bell. and who names their kid pixie?

this still made me laugh tho.

Sharlotte said...

You are talking about Complaint Letters. That is quite an important issue. These letters are the weapon of the customers, since the telephone talk can not be witnessed; a letter is an evidence of your dissatisfaction. Many people though do not know how to write them correctly. Personally I learned how to write these letters from www.pissedconsumer.com. Here you can find out the tips which make complaint letters work.

Anonymous said...

Spork
All bow to the Spork,
Lovely plastic work of art,
In rainbow colors

I am the Spork man,
Missing my odd-numbered teeth,
Left by the wayside

Wonderful future,
Dancing, laughing, shiny sporks,
Ruling this happy world

Here is modern man,
Pondering the age-old thought:
"Two tines? Three? Or four"

Food or philosophy,
Wielding our sporks with panache
Life itself is tined

The Spork, true beauty,
The tines, the bowl, the long stem
Life now is complete

Anonymous said...

best poem ever!!!

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