October 22, 2007

Real Change, Real Women Curves Contest

I'm a total failure. I've had a product review for Curves hanging over my head for almost a month now to remind me of that. In addition to their workout facilities, they have a new healthy cereals and granola bars. Additionally, they are holding a contest for women to tell their story of how they made a real change in their lives in a commitment to fitness.

In September I was committed to fitness. I had my 10 year reunion to attend and had gotten down to my goal weight just for the occasion. The evening was splendid and I looked great. A week later I held a Twinkies Party. Shortly thereafter I went on a cruise. Then I bought three bags of Halloween candy and have been plowing my way through them like a bulldozer. My goal weight is a distant landmark on the sunset of my fitness.

But back to my review. I received a sample of both the cereal and the bars. The cereal was delicious. I ate the whole box in no time thanks to my voracious appetite. The flakes stay crunchy for a long time in your milk, they are high in fiber (5 grams per serving, 190 calories), and they have a really delightful honey flavor. The granola bars are a different story. I felt like I was eating zoo food - and not the kind you get at the churros cart. The kind of food they feel the giraffes. Diet foods have evolved enough that no food manufactures has any excuse to make diet food that tastes fake. The bars had little flavor, a weird after taste, and unappealing, rough, texture. But to their credit, they only have 100 calories and 21% of your daily fiber. Go fiber.

Curves is holding a contest with a $5,000 grand prize. Back when I agreed to review the product I had aspirations of winning. Now I just aspire to fit into my fat pants. But I'll take a stab at the contest anyway. They claim they are looking for "Real Women" and I'm as depressingly real as it gets right now. They want a 100 word statement about your commitment to "Real Change" and your 500 word story. Also, you can submit a photo of yourself that helps to illustrate your story. Although my entry isn't want I wanted it to be, here's my honest submission.

100 word statement:
I'm a yo-yo dieter. I slim down for major events and bulk up for my own happiness. Size 4, size 12, what's the difference anyway? With our society's changing moods, 12 could very well be the new 4 next season. My preferred method of weight loss is low-carb so I can pig out on pork rinds and almonds. My preferred method of weight gain is peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. When the chocolate chips are gone, I go back to pork rinds. It's an art.

500 word story:
There once was a beautiful princess named Hollywood. She loved to eat. She ate cookie dough, pudding, peanut butter and honey sandwiches, supreme pizzas, brownie sundaes, brie by the wheel, and all other manner of sumptuous goodies. Hollywood had other interests as well such as mountain biking, yoga, swimming and tennis but found that she never quite had the time to do these things with her rigorous eating schedule. But then one day everything changed.

There was to be a ball. All the important dignitaries would be in attendance and there would be a prize for the thinnest woman. Being the fierce competitor that she was, Princess Hollywood vowed to win the contest. The idea consumed her, literally. The protective layers of fat on her body were banished as Hollywood's thoughts turned to first prize. She would be the thinnest of them all. There was no room in her mind for her sweet confections. There was no room in her belly for pizza. There was only an all-consuming desire to win. Hollywood's face grew thin. Her ribs jutted awkwardly from her body. Her eyes grew larger and larger the smaller her frame got. A few weeks before the ball she was on the home stretch and was eating less than 1000 calories a day. Her cookies wept silently in the pantry.

The ball came and went. Hollywood easily snapped up the waif prize but found she was barely able to muster the strength to carry the golden trophy home in her brittle arms. That night Hollywood languished, fatigued on the couch, staring at her gigantic award, glowing with 24 carat gold. Then she caught sight of a monstrous face, reflected in the trophy. The creature had bulging eyes, sunken cheeks, a sinewing neck and limp skin. She recoiled in terror. So did the beast.

At that moment of enlightenment, Hollywood remembered a box of Twinkies her husband had brought home that she had banished to the back of the pantry. The ghastly face snarled viciously at her. Hollywood jumped up with fear and ran to the kitchen. At this point, it was "eat or be eaten." With trepidation, the princess peeled back the cellophane that clung to the Hostess poison. She held the Twinkie between two fingers and wrinkled her nose in disgust. The Princess took a tiny bite.

One month later Princess Hollywood was back in fighting form. After mastering her fear of Twinkies, she had gone on to vanquish all her other food paranoias. The more weight Hollywood gained, the smaller the golden trophy appeared. One evening, Hollywood wandered into the kitchen, looking for more eats. The entire batch of chocolate chip cookies she baked earlier that day had been eaten. What could possibly satisfy her munchies? The trophy made a great midnight snack.

There's my contest submission. If any of you have actually been able to master the Jekyll and Hyde tendencies of us yo-yo dieters, you should enter the Curves contest for the $5,000 prize. I wish I could!


Physcokity said...

haha I love it. I can't wait to see if you win anything. That was pretty classic. I think most people will have some cool emotional sob story like the ones you see on infomercials for Richard Simmons stuff.

CaROlInE said...

That's awesome. Who doesn't diet that way? I enjoy being slim for events, beyond that, who cares? Did I mention that I live for Dr. Pepper?

CACKEL said...

"Her cookies wept silently in the pantry." HAHAHA. That was a very creative and original line. I have been fighting the bulge myself since the cruise. Every time I put on my jeans I think, "Wow, they have never been THIS tight."

Sue said...

Ha - I love it. They will WANT to make you the winner, even if they can't.

Mrs. M said...

Oh, this is a sad story.

Angela said...

I know this isn't really the point, but Sarah I've always thought you were lovely. I'm an admirer, mind, body, face, and spirit! -Cousin Angela

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