November 28, 2007

I Am Not Pregnant

Again, I reiterate, I am NOT pregnant.

But something has gone terribly wrong with my nose. I came into our apartment yesterday after running some errands. I'd only taken one step into the apartment before the wall of smell hit me. It smelled like a pet store. "Spike! What is that smell?!" I yelled to my husband.
"What smell?" he asked.
"It smells like gerbils in here," I said, and blew around the apartment opening all the windows and holding my nose. Spike shrugged and went back to his magazine.

This morning my daughter hopped into bed with me to snuggle. She put her face next to mine and stroked my cheek, smiling sweetly. I pushed away with disgust. "Pixie, remind me to brush your teeth today."
"Why, Mommy? Are my teeth germy?"
"Your breath is really stinky."
I brushed the poor girls teeth, but for the rest of the day, I couldn't let her face come within three feet of mine for fear of throwing up at the smell of her breath.

This evening I was glad to escape my stinky house to teach a violin lesson. I opened my car door and fell into the seat. What was that smell?? My car stank like rotting potatoes. I drove the three miles to my appointment with all the windows down and head out of the window.

It's almost midnight now and I just got ready for bed. I opened the bedroom door to find my husband already sleeping but more shockingly, to find that my bedroom had somehow taken on the scent of a feed lot while I was away. I can't sleep in there tonight. I've camped out on the couch for the night, close to an open window and the air vents.

Again, I am not pregnant. When I was pregnant, everything smelled like curry. What does it mean when everything smells like rotting produce and animals? This bizarre scent phenomena happens to me a few times a year. Usually it's with my siblings or parents. For a few days, they will all have the same, horrible smell to me. But I don't live close to them anymore so it's not a huge issue. My schizophrenic scent has never happened with my husband and kids. What can I do? Where can I go? My nose is coming between myself and those I love. I know that they don't really stink. My toddler bathed and brushed her teeth twice today and my husband is the cleanest man to walk the earth. But the smell wouldn't go away. I have to compare myself to Lady Macbeth and her "damned spot." What is the hidden, lurking evil that is manifesting itself in my nostrils of late?

My husband will be confused to find me sleeping on the couch tomorrow morning. Hopefully by then this scent torture will have passed for a time. But I can't help but shiver over Lady Macbeth's fate. Whether or not anyone else saw her stained hands, the stubborn spot drove her to insanity and a rash act of passion. How would Shakespeare handle my treacherous nose?

Okay, okay fine. I'm pregnant. You saw right through me, didn't you. Aren't you clever. (see comments section)

39 comments:

Amber said...

Are you sure?? Positive? Have you POAS (peed on a stick) just to make sure?? Come on! The world needs more flakes!

Is it possible you have a sinus infection?

Hollywood said...

Ha! Gottcha. Sorry folks, but I'm really not pregnant. I know everyone is still going to think I am though. That's just how life goes for us Mormon women.

Hollywood said...

No sticks have been peed on. But I have had a bit of a cold lately. Maybe that's it.

As to the world needing more Flakes, I'm pretty sure they don't. I hear there is an entire city in Arizona called "Snowflake" that is almost entirely populated with Mormons having the last name "Flake" and "Snow." I'm too scared to ever go there for fear they won't let me come back to L.A. and I'll just have to stay there forever breeding more Flakes for their sick pleasure.

Amber said...

ROFL. My last name is the same as a city in Utah (that narrows it down huh?) It is a place I'd never want to be trapped. My husband suggested we move there about 10 minutes before we drove through it last weekend. I told him that would be fine if he still felt that way after driving through. He changed his mind before we even hit the middle of town.

clbm said...

Nope...only reason Snowflake is named that is because Brother Snow and Brother Flake founded it in the 1800's. Lots more names there now than Snow and Flake. Absolutely adorable town though. I would love to live there. I live in hot Phoenix.

Karen said...

You know, you could be pregnant. ;)

This may make things worse, but there's a little trick in the dog show world that I picked up. Put a little Vicks under your nose and you won't smell anything else.

Hope it goes away soon, that's horrible that you can't be close those you love!

compulsive writer said...

I'm a little bit envious that when you really are pregnant everything smells like curry.

Susan M said...

Way to play with my emotions, Hollywood!

Mary said...

I am totally laughing at this! During Thanksgiving I kept feeling the need to qualify everything I said by saying, "I'm not pregnant!" because I'm not, for real. But I'm totally chubby and my youngest is getting to be that age when people start wondering if it's time for an announcement of sorts... I'm not. As far as I know. But if I had pregnant smell power like you do right now, I might find myself in Target buying a little store-brand box with 2 sticks for peeing on just to be sure :)

Hollywood said...

Ha! I thought my remark about Snowflake, AZ may be busted. Thanks, clbm. I guess that what always happens to stupid stereotypes anyway.

Jenny said...

Well, if you're not pregnant, than it definately must be menopause.

:)

tracy m said...

I get like that too. Super-Smellers. My mom has the same issues.

Nancy said...

I wish my world smelled like curry. Or pineapple. One of the two.

LeiGul said...

I was at my dentist and he commented on my amazing sense of smell! It can be a curse, but of all the curses I could have (minus the curse of not gaining a pound by just LOOKING at chocolate) I would want that one!

I have a sensitive smeller, and with 4 children in the house, it makes for a queasy existence!

Anonymous said...

OK, I'm so going anonymous for this one, because it's embarrassing, but this really did happen.

One day (as a teenager) everything stunk super bad. Like rotten shoes, but way worse. Turns out, it was me. I had forgotten to remove my last tampon at the end of my period. When I realized what it was, and got it out, the smell was overpoweringly awful.

The Wiz said...

Eww....curry. Gross.

I think it's because you've BEEN pregnant. My bionic nose didn't go away after pregnancy, and occasionally it is stronger. It drives my husband crazy at times. (Have you seen K Pax? One guy in there is always yelling 'YOU STINK' That's me.)

You may not be pregnant, but maybe you're ovulating or something, with your hormones working overtime.

chan said...

Smells still make me sick and I had my daughter in February! Maybe it will go away someday?

Marie said...

Are you trying the bury the Box of Love? ;)

her royal highness said...

The whole time I was reading I was waiting for you to say, "So I found that mystery smell, it was me!" When was the last time you showered, Hollywood? No offense, really. I just know that I've had those days where I walk around thinking, "Man, WHAT is that smell?" Come to find out, it's me.

amanda said...

As one who grew up in Snowflake, I will go on record as saying that there are seemingly thousands of "Flake" families there but I only ever knew one "Snow" family, and they moved away. It is because one of the founders had last name of "Flake," and he settled there and had tons of kids and they had tons of kids for generations--they still are known for having large families, BUT the "Snow" founder was an apostle who headed back to Utah after helping the pioneers settle in. The good thing about growing up there is that I had NO idea that the last name "Flake" was anything but completely normal when I got married and it became MY last name. I was shocked that people CAN NOT keep from commenting on your last name when you introduce yourself (Oh, are all of your relatives Flakes, heh, heh, heh...). You just have to chuckle and let them think that they are the first person who thought of it instead of the millionth and first.

Hollywood said...

Eek to the tampon story! Your anonymity was definitely necessary on that one.

Sorry your majesty, I took a bath yesterday morning and got all scrubbed down so the smell is probably not me. I'm sad to say my nasal sensitivity hadn't gone away this morning either.

As for burying the box of love, I'm more interested in burying the "box of junk" at this point.

Few ox said...

Is there an old dirty diaper in your purse or car that you forgot about? That's happened to me before. It gets pretty stinky.

Few ox said...

Is there an old dirty diaper in your purse or car that you forgot about? That's happened to me before. It gets pretty stinky.

Sue said...

ACK! Congratulations!!!!! Oh. Wait.

You know, I read this in bloglines and didn't have time to comment, and for like, two days or whatever I've been feeling guilty because I hadn't commented to say "Congratulations on your Pregnancy" and now I finally come do it and you are not pregnant but are (like me) a big lying liar who lies and all of that guilt - for NOTHING.

So moral of the story: just comment, it saves time.

kadusey said...

I've had that happen to me a couple of times. Once it was solved with a great and mighty nose-blowing (apparently my partially-stuffed nose was stuck full of stink).

Another time I ended up putting some nice-smelling lotion right under my nose to distract me from the mystery smells.

Once I determined that there were, in fact, mice in my walls. Not much I could do about that one.

Since then I tend to overuse the febreeze whenever I start smelling mystery smells. Heavy cleaning chemicals often work wonders too. Can't use those on family members though.

pflower10 said...

That really stinks Hollywood!

pflower10 said...

That really stinks Hollywood!

Kelly said...

I went out with a guy whose last name was Flake and he was from Snowflake. I thought this was hilarious, and he had to show me his driver's license before I totally believed him. This from a girl whose last name (at the time, maiden name) was Layton (also like the Mormon town, founded by great grandad).

It sounds like you need a nosegay.

amanda said...

I have a wet dog that lives in my nose. sometimes he hides and i smell normal things. other times, he is in full effect and all i can smell is wet dog or rotten potato chips.

someone told me that could be a sign of a brain tumor but i choose not to believe it.

Kelly said...

Funny, I AM pregnaant and I don't have the super smell power. I'm actually a little disappointed by this. Go fig.
(btw, it's kelly as in your cousin Mark's wife. I noticed there was another kelly and didn't want her getting any frantic phone calls!)

the real amanda said...

ummm.... that last comment from "amanda" was not the same as the first amanda, just so my family doesn't think that a "wet dog lives in my nose....." interesting.

also, when it comes to strange smells, about 9 times out of 10, there is a stray sippy cup full of rotten milk somewhere. that wouldn't explain your husband and kids though.

lol said...

okay, to amanda, that comment about the brain tumor reminded me of a joke. there was this guy who had a tumor so big they called it a threemer:)

the not real amanda... apparently said...

i have neither a tumor or a threemor! also, not pregnant. ralph just hates me some days.

Heffalump said...

Hmmm....maybe there is just something rotting in your nose. What a lovely thought...

josofine said...

At the beginning of your story, I thought for sure your sweet daughter had done what I had. When I was three or so (luckly I didn't remember it) I was wise enough to sick a bean way up my nose. My mom finally discovered it because of the smell each time she bent over to kiss me. We had to go to the doctor to extract it. Luckily your daughter hasn't done that . . . unless you have.
Unfortunately for me, my sisters made sure that I was well informed of this blocked memory by nicknaming me beaner, and by telling all our friends about it while growing up. Nothing like family to humble you.

J-Rod said...

It's funny that you mention "schizophrenic sense of smell" in the body of your post. Olfactory hallucinations are a true manifestation of schizophrenia, and you are in the age group when people first begin to manifest mental illness.

Hollywood said...

Wow. I did not need to hear that. I hope my husband doesn't read your comment, J-Rod. He is always hinting around the fact that I may be losing my mind.

I'm a little freaked out right now. Must go eat pumpkin pie.

No, you go eat some pie!

I'm going.

Well alright then.

Angie said...

Whenever I get a bad cold with the start of a sinus infection, I get the exact same thing. Every thing smells like barn. If it goes away, great, if not...get some antibiotics.

When I was preggo, a lot of stuff smelled like banana bread, yum.

Anonymous said...

piece of junk~!! i thought you were!