I Am Not Pregnant
Again, I reiterate, I am NOT pregnant.
But something has gone terribly wrong with my nose. I came into our apartment yesterday after running some errands. I'd only taken one step into the apartment before the wall of smell hit me. It smelled like a pet store. "Spike! What is that smell?!" I yelled to my husband.
"What smell?" he asked.
"It smells like gerbils in here," I said, and blew around the apartment opening all the windows and holding my nose. Spike shrugged and went back to his magazine.
This morning my daughter hopped into bed with me to snuggle. She put her face next to mine and stroked my cheek, smiling sweetly. I pushed away with disgust. "Pixie, remind me to brush your teeth today."
"Why, Mommy? Are my teeth germy?"
"Your breath is really stinky."
I brushed the poor girls teeth, but for the rest of the day, I couldn't let her face come within three feet of mine for fear of throwing up at the smell of her breath.
This evening I was glad to escape my stinky house to teach a violin lesson. I opened my car door and fell into the seat. What was that smell?? My car stank like rotting potatoes. I drove the three miles to my appointment with all the windows down and head out of the window.
It's almost midnight now and I just got ready for bed. I opened the bedroom door to find my husband already sleeping but more shockingly, to find that my bedroom had somehow taken on the scent of a feed lot while I was away. I can't sleep in there tonight. I've camped out on the couch for the night, close to an open window and the air vents.
Again, I am not pregnant. When I was pregnant, everything smelled like curry. What does it mean when everything smells like rotting produce and animals? This bizarre scent phenomena happens to me a few times a year. Usually it's with my siblings or parents. For a few days, they will all have the same, horrible smell to me. But I don't live close to them anymore so it's not a huge issue. My schizophrenic scent has never happened with my husband and kids. What can I do? Where can I go? My nose is coming between myself and those I love. I know that they don't really stink. My toddler bathed and brushed her teeth twice today and my husband is the cleanest man to walk the earth. But the smell wouldn't go away. I have to compare myself to Lady Macbeth and her "damned spot." What is the hidden, lurking evil that is manifesting itself in my nostrils of late?
My husband will be confused to find me sleeping on the couch tomorrow morning. Hopefully by then this scent torture will have passed for a time. But I can't help but shiver over Lady Macbeth's fate. Whether or not anyone else saw her stained hands, the stubborn spot drove her to insanity and a rash act of passion. How would Shakespeare handle my treacherous nose?
Okay, okay fine. I'm pregnant. You saw right through me, didn't you. Aren't you clever. (see comments section)
But something has gone terribly wrong with my nose. I came into our apartment yesterday after running some errands. I'd only taken one step into the apartment before the wall of smell hit me. It smelled like a pet store. "Spike! What is that smell?!" I yelled to my husband.
"What smell?" he asked.
"It smells like gerbils in here," I said, and blew around the apartment opening all the windows and holding my nose. Spike shrugged and went back to his magazine.
This morning my daughter hopped into bed with me to snuggle. She put her face next to mine and stroked my cheek, smiling sweetly. I pushed away with disgust. "Pixie, remind me to brush your teeth today."
"Why, Mommy? Are my teeth germy?"
"Your breath is really stinky."
I brushed the poor girls teeth, but for the rest of the day, I couldn't let her face come within three feet of mine for fear of throwing up at the smell of her breath.
This evening I was glad to escape my stinky house to teach a violin lesson. I opened my car door and fell into the seat. What was that smell?? My car stank like rotting potatoes. I drove the three miles to my appointment with all the windows down and head out of the window.
It's almost midnight now and I just got ready for bed. I opened the bedroom door to find my husband already sleeping but more shockingly, to find that my bedroom had somehow taken on the scent of a feed lot while I was away. I can't sleep in there tonight. I've camped out on the couch for the night, close to an open window and the air vents.
Again, I am not pregnant. When I was pregnant, everything smelled like curry. What does it mean when everything smells like rotting produce and animals? This bizarre scent phenomena happens to me a few times a year. Usually it's with my siblings or parents. For a few days, they will all have the same, horrible smell to me. But I don't live close to them anymore so it's not a huge issue. My schizophrenic scent has never happened with my husband and kids. What can I do? Where can I go? My nose is coming between myself and those I love. I know that they don't really stink. My toddler bathed and brushed her teeth twice today and my husband is the cleanest man to walk the earth. But the smell wouldn't go away. I have to compare myself to Lady Macbeth and her "damned spot." What is the hidden, lurking evil that is manifesting itself in my nostrils of late?
My husband will be confused to find me sleeping on the couch tomorrow morning. Hopefully by then this scent torture will have passed for a time. But I can't help but shiver over Lady Macbeth's fate. Whether or not anyone else saw her stained hands, the stubborn spot drove her to insanity and a rash act of passion. How would Shakespeare handle my treacherous nose?
Okay, okay fine. I'm pregnant. You saw right through me, didn't you. Aren't you clever. (see comments section)
Comments
Is it possible you have a sinus infection?
As to the world needing more Flakes, I'm pretty sure they don't. I hear there is an entire city in Arizona called "Snowflake" that is almost entirely populated with Mormons having the last name "Flake" and "Snow." I'm too scared to ever go there for fear they won't let me come back to L.A. and I'll just have to stay there forever breeding more Flakes for their sick pleasure.
This may make things worse, but there's a little trick in the dog show world that I picked up. Put a little Vicks under your nose and you won't smell anything else.
Hope it goes away soon, that's horrible that you can't be close those you love!
:)
I have a sensitive smeller, and with 4 children in the house, it makes for a queasy existence!
One day (as a teenager) everything stunk super bad. Like rotten shoes, but way worse. Turns out, it was me. I had forgotten to remove my last tampon at the end of my period. When I realized what it was, and got it out, the smell was overpoweringly awful.
I think it's because you've BEEN pregnant. My bionic nose didn't go away after pregnancy, and occasionally it is stronger. It drives my husband crazy at times. (Have you seen K Pax? One guy in there is always yelling 'YOU STINK' That's me.)
You may not be pregnant, but maybe you're ovulating or something, with your hormones working overtime.
Sorry your majesty, I took a bath yesterday morning and got all scrubbed down so the smell is probably not me. I'm sad to say my nasal sensitivity hadn't gone away this morning either.
As for burying the box of love, I'm more interested in burying the "box of junk" at this point.
You know, I read this in bloglines and didn't have time to comment, and for like, two days or whatever I've been feeling guilty because I hadn't commented to say "Congratulations on your Pregnancy" and now I finally come do it and you are not pregnant but are (like me) a big lying liar who lies and all of that guilt - for NOTHING.
So moral of the story: just comment, it saves time.
It sounds like you need a nosegay.
someone told me that could be a sign of a brain tumor but i choose not to believe it.
(btw, it's kelly as in your cousin Mark's wife. I noticed there was another kelly and didn't want her getting any frantic phone calls!)
also, when it comes to strange smells, about 9 times out of 10, there is a stray sippy cup full of rotten milk somewhere. that wouldn't explain your husband and kids though.
Unfortunately for me, my sisters made sure that I was well informed of this blocked memory by nicknaming me beaner, and by telling all our friends about it while growing up. Nothing like family to humble you.
I'm a little freaked out right now. Must go eat pumpkin pie.
No, you go eat some pie!
I'm going.
Well alright then.
When I was preggo, a lot of stuff smelled like banana bread, yum.