November 8, 2007

Make Me Laugh

I'm calling on you today to help me out. The girls have both been up since 5 a.m., the house reeks of pee, the baby won't stop yowling, the toddler is going through mega premature PMS and I ate some bad diet chocolate that's making me nauseous. Would somebody please make me laugh? I'd even take a smile. I'm begging you, help a sister out. Jokes, funny things your kids said, names for my chin hickey, today is your day.


Jamie J said...

Here's my favorite jokes: Two fish are in a tank. One says, "I'll drive, you man the guns." Get it? A tank? hehehe

Teah said...

Sarah, I'm here for you. Let's see...funny things. I think the best I've got for you is from my sister, Wonder Woman ( Her daughter reminds me A LOT of Penny. My sister has taken to leaving her daughter alone, downstairs, while she takes her shower in the morning. There was never a problem until a few days ago. Wonder Woman came downstairs and noticed her daughter chewing on a piece of candy...that was in the candy jar...that was on the to the steak knives. (Cousin E has figured out how to move the barstools around!) Scary, but whatever. This morning, Wonder Woman came down to find half of her kitchen covered in a fine brown powder, and her daughter with the most fabulous chocolate mustache. First, she thought her daughter had found theh alf a tootsie roll she had left on the counter. No biggie. Nope - tootsie roll was still there. Brilliant Cousin E had pushed her barstool across the kitchen, climbed up ON the counter, gotten into the high above-the-counter cupboard, pulled down the economy sized Nesquik and proceeded to pour herself a glass of the chocolatey powder. She tried eating it with a soup spoon, but that method of delivery was simply too slow. No good! She moved on to a straw and that seemed to do the trick. I'm thinking she tried to blow bubbles...hence the kitchen covered in powder.

Are you smiling yet?

Mrs. M said...

Hmm... This made me laugh last night. I was lying down with Ethan and he was telling me a story about Superman. He paused and said, "Superman is really strong, maybe even stronger than Uncle Shaun."

Lex said...

I just "found" your blog today. Lovin' it! Here's a hilarious (to me and my mom) joke that I got in an email forward yesterday:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a
while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is
underweight.. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

citymama1 said...

Once I got a fore head hickey. I was in high school when my mom got pregnant with my youngest sibling, but that's not the funny part. So, my senior year was spent babysitting and playing with his toys. One day I was checking out the suction cup bobble toy thingy that would suction onto his high chair when the idea struck me. "hey, stick that on your forehead". Never listen to such voices. It had much more suction power then I'd given it credit and it was stuck on my forehead a good minute before I was able to pry it off. Needless to say I have a huge round head hickey, roughly the size of a golf ball, on my forehead for a good day or so. Not one of my brightest moments.

Heather O. said...

I'm STILL laughing.

JLow said...

I am definitely subscribing to this post just to keep my jokes list fresh!

Waiting at the traffic lights, a bus passes our car. My 3yr old Caitlin in the back carseat exclaimed "Why got (are there) monkey bars in the bus, Daddee?"

Others I know:
What 11-letter word is ALWAYS pronounced incorrectly?

What starts with "p" & ends with "e" & has thousands of letters in it?
Post office

How many letters are there in the alphabet?
24. Huh?
Because ET gone home..

Boy went to the zoo, the zoo only had a was shitzu.

2 Eggs in a pan...1 says to the other, Damn, its hot in here....The other goes..Hey look, a talking egg!

Alissa said...

perhaps this is just funny in person.

i'm 17wks pregnant and yesterday, my 5.5 year old dd asked me how the baby gets out. I was caught offguard, so to give her the least amount of information possible, I said, I have to push the baby out. She thought about this for about 5 seconds... and then I knew she was gonna ask more... so I said simply, "the baby comes out my vagina." She got this horrified look on her face and said, "OH MAN!!!!" She may decide never to have children.

Jenny said...

This video made me split my sides! Hope it does the same for you.

Doug Taylor said...

Man my eyes are still bleeding from watching that star wars trumpet video...

Somewhere in the world a woman gives birth every six seconds. She needs to be found and stopped.

Hollywood said...

I've been trying to respond to each of these as they come in but you guys are too fast. All I can say is that I'm in SUCH a good mood right now!! Way to answer the call. Thank you from the bottom of my black little heart.

Lex, welcome to the blog! I promise I don't usually make my readers do all the work. Your joke was totally unexpected - boy do I know a few old grandma who would do that :)

Citymama, I'm glad I'm not the only one who goes trolling for awesome hickeys. Bet you didn't think to get a picture though - you'll have to do it again.

Heather, that video was SHOCKING! I can't believe that poor girls' mother ever encouraged her to do that. I was laughing so hard by the end.

Jlow, your joke list was remarkable - my favorite BY FAR being the shitzu one. I'm going to have to tell that to some random stranger every time I go to the L.A. zoo from now on. It's just so funny - I wish you could hear me busting up right now just thinking of it.

Jenny - the fainting wedding parties were PERFECT! I'm going to be watching that one again and again and again...

And Doug, I have to disagree. That woman's HUSBAND must be stopped.

Clyde said...

Helen (6) and Rachel (3) likes to play together... a lot. They play anything that requires run, and made up stories. Sometimes they argue because of their Taylor genes of being impatient or both want to be the same animal in a pretending game...

"I'll be a cat" Rachel said while adopting the four legs possition

Helen was doing something else and frounted at her "And I going to be the dog, so you better stay away from my path... Aaarrg!"

But Rachel wanted to be playing with her at the moment so bothered her until the point of asking for trouble... "You better go away from me, cat" Helen warned her little sister.

They were about 3 minutes into the chassing when Rachel got afraid of Helen's serious meaning. "Stop, stop... you're a mean dog. You don't need to scare me"

"But that is what dogs do best, they chase cats so... RUN!" A few minutes later I heard a frantic screaming from Rachel.

"If you kept treathening me like that I'm going to hurt you... badly" Rachel added while try to scape her sister's dog paws.

This time Helen were not ready to quick easily "I'm not scared of you, little kitty. I'm going to eat you up... ALIVE!"

"OK, OK, hungry dog! You can eat me but at the end I'll win... I'll give you diarrhea!" After Rachel made this clear statement with an evily laughing, she started running again.

This isn't (probably) the funniest story about my girls but I SURE want to help you out and up.

HOLD ON there, dear Sarah!

Anonymous said...

I was singing a son that got stuck in my head during church last week:
"I am a friend of God, he calls me Friend!"
My 3 year old said, "Why does God call you Fred?"

Susan M said...

All from the same son:

"I know how you say 'apple' in sign language. You take an apple and do this with it," holding an apple up and shaking it. (Age 6)

"I know a song no one's ever heard before!" and Elijah started singing:

Oooh, yeah--I will save you from the bad guys
Oooh, yeah--I won't let them get you

I asked him if he made it up himself, he said, "No. I heard it from Elijah 2 and Elijah 3." (Elijah 2 and Elijah 3 were his newest imaginary friends. Age 6)

"Mom, does the power of the microwave really come from the earth's core?" - Elijah makes himself some soup. (age 10)

"I get hungry, and I get full. THAT'S MY LIFE. It's not your life! SHUT UP!" Elijah, age 8

"What if VH1 didn't save the music?" - Elijah, age 8

"Do you think that people should love their butt? I think so. Cuz if you didn't have one you couldn't go poo. And your butt would get really fat." - Elijah, age 9

"For some reason I don't know what I'm thinking." - Elijah, age 9

"I'm not really into bluesy stuff. I'm more into techno...and rock. Cuz that's what Linkin Park is made of." - Elijah, age 9

When he was 11, my husband asked him, "Who invented the yoyo?" and he said, "How am I supposed to know? I'm just a stupid boy with no feelings!"

One final story, at age 6:

Elijah was wearing a shirt with the number 7 on it, and I told him that was my favorite number. I asked him what his favorite number was, he said without even blinking, "3,000."

I told him my favorite word was "enthusiasm." I asked him what his favorite word was, and he said, "Seven!"

Then he said, "No, not really. My favorite word is--Mom!"

velocibadgergirl said...

I posted a bunch of my favorite goofy videos over at my place today. They're always good for a laugh.

Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

velocibadgergirl said...

PS Jamie J, that fish joke is AWESOME.

Hollywood said...

Along the literal humor lines of Jaime J and Velocibadgergirl, here's a joke my husband likes to tell:

Hubby: You know how goose fly in V's in the sky? Do you know why one side of the V is usually longer than the other?

Hapless Victim: No. Why?

Hubby: Because there are more geese in it.

Suzie Petunia said...

I've got nothing. But thanks for all the entertainment, folks! (My house reeks of pee, too.)

Anonymous said...

this joke took my friend ten minutes to figure it out... "A man walked into a bar and said ouch."

Anonymous said...

funniest video i have seen in a LONG while... :)

????? said...

how was that vid. funny?

Marie said...

"Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine."

Nancy Sabina said...

Other than glib remarks, I only know one joke. So here goes:
A young boy loved to go fishing. One day he woke up and said "Mom, can I go fishing?" And his mom said "No, son, today is Sunday. We don't fish on the Sabbath." "Aww, man." he said, and walked away. A little while later he came back and said "Mom? How about a walk? Can I go on a walk on Sunday?" His Mom said yes so off he walked - with his fishing pole - thinking he was so clever to have tricked his mom. He was going on a walk - just a walk to the fishing hole. So he got there and he fished and he had a good time and he started to walk home. He knew the path well but he kept getting confused. He felt like he was going in circles around where his house should have been. He was so confused that he finally sat down and said to himself "What? Did the whole City of Enoch just disappear?"

Anonymous said...

I dont get nancy sabrinas joke.will you explain it to me?

A certain someone said...

Sarahspundah, you didn't need to take down your Vote for Hollywood Flakes reminders simply because Pakistan's constitution has been suspended. Live your life as wonderfully as you can. By the way, we all think you did great in the polls! Nice way to get some recognition for your good writing.

natalie said...

The city of Enoch was taken up to heaven because all the inhabitants were so righteous. This little boy was NOT righteous so the city was taken up after he left.

And Sarah, I have a joke for you:

Two Blondes With Hammers... Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

MarysMom said...

I asked my daughter to draw a picture of her family (so she would get off my back while I'm reading other people's blogs!) and she drew me with bare breasts. She was breast-fed for 3 1/2 years, does this mean I will forever me cow-mama to her???!!!

Hollywood said...

Boy did this post pay off. I've been laughing at all your comments since yesterday evening. I'm in a GREAT mood now :)

Thanks for explaining the City of Enoch thing, Natalie. And I am a total sucker for every blonde joke ever told - that one being no exception.

MarysMom - you kind of had that one coming, didn't you! I hope your kid doesn't draw family pictures of you like that at school. So funny!

Marie - your friend is CLEVER! But it's so true, the vegetative state part. So how soon till you plugged yourself back in?

Anon, I wish God called me Fred. It's so funny how kids hear song lyrics!

Susan, the microwave being powered by the earth's core? I don't know the real explanation so why not? And the "I'm just a stupid boy with no feelings," line is wonderful in every way.

Anyone else got anything?

Shiloh said...

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
Every Time Some one Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
Dont use any punctuation
As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than walk.
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
Sing Along At The Opera
Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom
When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're All Loose!!"
Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

Anonymous said...

Thanks for explaining the joke natalie. I already knew the story of the city of Enoch,(Yes I'm Mormon!) but I was born blonde! I also loved the blonde joke.

Anonymous said...

hey, wheres your post for today?

Natalie said...

Shiloh - that was WONDERFUL! I haven't laughed that hard in a looong time!

Here's another one that my dh received from work (he's a cop).

In most of the US there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temps drop to single digits or below. About 3 AM one very cold morning, MT state trooper Allan Nixon (#658)responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, MT. He located the car, stuck deep in snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty Vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas.
The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40- and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER!"
The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper from MT who could run 50 MPH.

liuyanqiu918 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.