Oh, Deer!

First of all, I failed NaBloPoMo. I had my computer right there in front of me every day, and I just didn't want to do it. A big fat "F" for me. But to put things in perspective, 1,250,000 children starved to death this month, which thing I had nothing to do with. Go get mad at somebody else.

Moving right along.

We spent the holidays in Utah. It's always entertaining to drive up a couple of times a year and experience dry skin, flat hair and an irrationally bloody nose. Hoping to beat traffic, we left for home this morning at 5 am. I've been tense on the road lately because of an article my husband sent me. Earlier this month, a 600 pound cow fell off a cliff and landed on the hood of a moving minivan. The story terrified me. How do you guard against something like that?

Although the Utah basin is flat as a pancake, I scanned for hidden cliffs as I drove through the pre-dawn. My vigilance was rewarded - I spotted a deer far ahead. I slowed to 65 mph and watched to make sure the doe cleared the road. BAM! My car shook as something exploded across my hood. I had been watching the first deer and hadn't seen the second step in front of my car.

I looked into my rear view mirror but all I saw were headlights from a car close behind me. I could hear pieces of my car falling off onto the freeway and my hood bent unnaturally. The impact woke my two year old in the back seat. "Mommy, what was that?" she asked.
"I hit a deer with the car."
"Oh. Well next time we come to Utah, don't hit the deer with your car. I want to snuggle them instead."
"Okay, honey." Her plan was surprisingly sound. She closed her eyes to sleep again.

I pulled off at the first exit and got out to survey the damage. I was relieved to see brown deer hair wedged in my shattered bumper. I hadn't seen what I'd hit and was happy to dispel the possibility it had been human. The sun was just coming up and illuminated my car in all its glory. My Toyota reminded me of a gerbil we had as kids. One of us sisters (was it me?) carelessly stepped on him and its tiny eyes popped out of its head. I've never forgotten how silly it looked in death. That's exactly what my car looked like. All the lights had popped from their sockets and swayed limply on their cords. The grill was missing. The bumper shattered. There was a hissing noise under the hood. An unexpected smirk crept onto my face.

I had a wild, instinctual urge to go back and see my prey. I pictured holding up its head and having a friend snap a picture of me grinning over my first kill. I've never hunted before and have always held up my nose to those who "kill for sport." But I'd bagged myself a deer! Man had conquered beast. Right triumphed over wrong. I was giddy with adrenaline. My husband arrived at the exit in his car a few minutes later. He was probably surprised to see me grinning outside my car and pointing excitedly at the deer hair stuck on my hood.

One roll of duct tape later, my car was ready to limp home to L.A. As I began down the road again, a tardy wave of remorse washed over me. With embarrassment, I made a quick prayer to Heavenly Father that the deer died a quick death or even (yeah right) was unharmed. But I think God knew I wasn't sincere. In Hollywood versus the deer, Hollywood WINS!

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All similarities in this post to actual events are purely coincidental. No actual deer were harmed in the making of this post. Hollywood would never hit a deer. Hollywood would rather kill herself and all her family members than hit a wild animal on a dark road. In fact, Hollywood runs a shelter for depressed deer where they can eat cotton candy and Big League Chew all day. She doesn't drive a Toyota, get nosebleeds in Utah or even know how to use duct tape. Now would all you PETA people get off her back?!