November 15, 2007

Writer's Guild Strike: Think of the Children!

On November 5th the Writers Guild of American commenced its paralyzing strike. Television networks were forced to shut down sets. Networks then flippantly replaced normal programing with canceled sitcoms. But a sitcom, once killed, cannot be brought back to life without a devastating price. For ten agonizing days now, the decaying zombie army of canceled 80's programing has reigned with blood and terror inside my television.

Consequently, American morale is currently at a critical low. Images of the Waco standoff flash through my head. Charles is once again In Charge of us. The Designing Women and their lethal shoulder pads flaunt our crimes against humanity during the fashion holocaust of the 80's. Being forced to revisit this decade causes me immense emotional pain. I can't deny that I was a part of it - I rolled my jeans, I tucked my shirt, I lovingly cooed over Jesse's mullet from "Full House." Now these traumatic memories are regurgitated when I try to relax after dinner. I'm programed to hit the "Power" button on the remote and even now that this bloodbath awaits me, I cannot overcome the impulse. I'd never thought about how painful it would be to have my eyeballs actually bleed.

President Bush, take notice. This siege tactic would end your tedious war in two weeks flat. Better yet, pipe in some "Alf, "Perfect Strangers," and "The Facts of Life" to the Al Qaeda caves and the terrorists would be putty in your hands. We could have them baking apple pies by the weekend. So I appeal to our government leaders, our military, our sense of style, end the war now! Countless innocents are being exposed to a decade that has no place in our civilized society. If the Writer's Guild wants Barry Bonds as the new Vanna White, if they want O.J. Simpson to write for "Desperate Housewives," if they want Dr. Phil to host a Vicars and Tarts party on his next show - do it! Unless swift action is taken, there will be nothing left to save.

17 comments:

Few ox said...

So far none of my shows have been reruns. If the strike goes on any longer I'm sure they will be soon. I also watch way to much reality t.v..

Checkers said...

Bwahahahahahahahahaha! *breathe* hahahahaha! You're too much!

Marie said...

I threw out the TV 4 years ago so this hasn't really effected me. I had been reading about how fewer and fewer people are watching TV, I wonder if it will ever really recover now?

Hollywood said...

Thanks, Checkers. This is one of those posts where 5 minutes after I published it I had that overwhelmingly sick feeling, "I am a moron." But maybe that's why it works.

Marie, that would be kind of funny if the actors ruined their livelihood with this stunt. Remember when the National Hockey League went on strike and everybody was SO relived? They never really recovered from that.

The very good news is that my absolute favorite show on television is running as schedules, Project Runway. I was almost crying for joy when the premiere came on last night.

The Wiz said...

Oh my Gosh, I love Project Runway too. It is fabulous.

I haven't seen all the 80's shows show up again. When are they on? Daytime? Do you watch daytime television that doesn't involve Dora?

I pegged my jeans too.

Jamie J said...

I would love if they started showing Wonder years and Perfect Strangers. Those are ones I loved as a child.

Hollywood said...

Hey Wiz, how much do we love the crazy hippie who made the huge train? on that blue dress? You know no matter how awful she performs, the producers will keep her around until the final shows. She's like a K-Mart version of Santino but I'll take her!

The Wiz said...

oh , i KNOW. I was like, the judges want her gone, but the producers are KEEPING that one. SHe's good TV.

pflower10 said...

What if our troops start to b*tch slap each other a la Dynasty??? There just might be a hole in your plan.

JLJ said...

Dancing With the Stars....... hasn't failed me yet.

Inexperienced Dad said...

Writers are on strike? Hmm.. I guess I'd only notice if I actually turned ON the TV.

Trouble is, its so full of junk these days, that it isn't worth all the crap that comes even with relatively decent programs.

Her Royal Highness said...

Is that why they started airing "Men in Trees" again? I love that show & am so happy that it's back. And if it means that the WG goes on strike to get my tv show back, then I'm all for it!

And my bangs were 4 inches high...

Sue said...

I missed the first half of Project Runway and was SO. VERY. ANGRY. I stayed up for the rerun. Whew.

Anonymous said...

I love Full House!

Mrs. Garret said...

We write the good; We write the bad; We don't get paid, and there you have,
The writer's strike! The writer's strike!

Point four cents, and internet, we'll write you out, and then you'll pout! We're on strike, hey, we're on strike!

Now your world... it seems, is full of lousy scenes! And suddenly we're finding out the Writer's strike is all about views, and news! It takes a lot to be on strike, when your learning the Facts of Strikes!

Hollywood said...

Why, Mrs. Garret, that was just downright catchy! I have to admit, my feet were tapping to that one. You writers are good for something after all :) And just for the record, I think all the demands of the strikers are spot on. How did the corporations get away with this for so long?

Mrs. Garret said...

Thanks Holly...it's all we're asking for, some appreciation from the higher ups!