March 27, 2011

Viable Career Options

So it has already begun.  I wrote a post today, then ran it by Spike (as I usually do when I'm writing wild) and he deemed it WAY too off base for publication so I'm left trying to think of tepid, pleasant things to write instead.  But since I can't quite contain myself, I'll give you a teaser that it was an open letter to our nation's panhandlers about how to really stand out amidst their growing competition.  Something about powerpoint presentations and jazz hands...  Seriously, can't we all use some tips on how to get ahead?  But thank you Spike, for keeping me from self destructing online.  I'm a terrible person without you.

So with that off the table, I guess I just have to tell you a little something that happened at the park by my house a bit ago.  After living in Vegas for two years now, I'm slowly acclimating to our local "culture." 

My three year old Cher was waiting to use the fireman pole at our local park but two tween girls were playing on it.  After waiting for about 10 minutes for her turn, little Cher came to me asking to intervene.  I walked towards the pole to ask the girls if Cher could slide down it once or twice.  As I got closer, however, I overheard their conversation.

"You really need a lot of arm strength for this trick," said one.  "Then just hold on and flip up your legs like this."  The smaller girl then demonstrated the upside-down splits on the fireman pole.

"Wow, I can't do that."

"I'll  teach you how," her friend reassured her, "and it's even more fun to do on the real spinning pole.  And this is one is super easy too."  She then executed the perfect stripper floating spiral.  

Really?  Pole dancing lessons at my kids' playground?  I hate to say it, but the chances of my kids' friends being strippers is much higher in this town.  I'm rethinking having put my girls into dance classes.  I'd hate to give them any practical job skills they might be tempted to use.  Another truth of Vegas is that if you meet a girl with incredible legs, she probably is or has been a showgirl.  Heck, they don't even have to be girls, but those long legs only mean one thing.  For the first time, I'm glad our Flake family has been endowed with overly long torsos and stumpy little legs.  One less Vegas career option.  

Gambling being our main industry, the number of locals who are employed as card dealers or waitresses is quite high.  Some of the other moms who pick up their kids from kindergarten show up in their casino barmaid get ups.  That's a fun thing for all those 6 year old boys to see.  But hey, I respect an honest paycheck and people have to eat.  Since the chances of my kids working a casino at some point are pretty high, I just have to make sure I hand select their job.  I'm thinking they could be the people who sit inside the lion cage at the MGM casino, babysitting the lion pride all day.  They get to wear a full set of clothes, and if any handsy men try coming near them, the lions will eat their faces off.  Mama likes that.  Now if only they offered Lion Taming as one of the community courses available at our rec center... 

The five cokes I drank at dinner tonight have finally worn off so I'm going to bed.  Viva Las Vegas, Baby.


Janell said...

It's like you've never been away, Hollywood. Thank you for your public service announcements!

Colleen said...

Truly disturbing.

The Editor said...

Ah, yes. Your lovely post reminds me of the day we took the girls to see the Popovich Comedy Pet Theater on the Strip. We were entertained during our long wait outside the entrance by big screen video coverage of pole dancing lessons being offered right there on the spot. I expect great things of the Vegas branch of our family. Maybe you can teach us a thing or two at the next family reunion!

Th. said...


Ah, Vegas.

Anonymous said...

I just wandered over here and am now intrigued and excited! I'm moving to Vegas in July--cause I've heard that's when it's the most cozy there, natch.

Can we be friends?