July 26, 2006

Cookie Dough and Lies

I bought a five pound tub of chocolate chip cookie dough last Friday and the dough is already half way gone. I wouldn't feel so bad except that none of the dough ever made it into the oven before it got shoveled into my face. The only person who could possibly understand is my darling Rubens but he's long gone.

In other news - well, there is no other news. I'll have to make something up like always. What should it be tonight? My comical run-in with Kim Jong-il? How I saved my neighbors' newborn baby from a raging inferno wearing high heels? Or maybe I could spin a convincing picture of my previous life as an IceCapades ambulance driver.

Or I could just dig into my mental files and give you guys something real that's been kicking around in my brain for a while.

White Lies:

When I was 16 by some strange turn of events I ended up alone at an IHOP at 3am on a school night. As it was past the hour when I could hope to fall asleep, I was leisurely sucking at my second hot coco and staring out the window at my reflection. My waitress was bored and interrupted my reverie by casually asking why I was at IHOP at that unlikely hour.

I'm not sure what I came over me but I instantly replied "I'm running away."

"From where?" she asked a little startled.

"Oklahoma. I've got a real bad situation there so I just got in the car and started driving a few hours ago. All I've got now is my car."

"Really! Where are you heading?"

"I'm not sure. They'll probably start looking for me come morning so I'm just trying to get as far from home as possible."

With an impressed look in her eyes, the waitress asked if I needed a refill. As I drank my hot chocolate that morning I imagined all the exotic things that girl was going to do with her new lease on life.

I've since kicked the white lie habit. It's been ten years since that night but this particular lie still lures my imagination. The lie was totally harmless yet unreasonably exhilarating. I was just a kid in a restaurant but when that waitress gave me the cue, I transformed myself into someone living a completely wild life full of drama. Why I chose an abused Oklahoman still eludes me but it's the ease in which I slipped into her persona that dazzles me.

There is amazing power in a lie.

Used appropriately, it can be good recreational fun like sucking helium. But if your lie gets out of control you could accidentally inhale the entire balloon and end up in a tight spot. I've tried to use white lies for good only. It's invaluable in certain situations involving ugly babies, panhandlers and my Dad's favorite Christmas slacks from the 70's. Once I was in an art gallery on Rodeo Drive and wanted to see some of the more expensive paintings they kept in storage so I made up an elaborate story about my rich husband and how we were shopping to decorate our fabulous new timeshare in Malibu. The art gallery owner gave me a personal tour of all their hidden stores of Picasso, Matisse and Miro. An indisputable white lie success story.

But another time I lied to a musician and told him that I played the electric bass guitar to make him like me. He took the bait, and asked me out. On our second date we stopped by his house and he thrust his bass at me and told me to play him something. That didn't end well. This was the guy that I left message after message on his machine asking him why he never called back. I'm relieved to report that I have since learned how to play the bass in case this same situation ever comes up again. Yeah, it was that embarrassing.

After more mishaps than merriment, I've abandoned the white lie along with most of my more telling signs of immaturity. There's no use trying any funny stuff now that I'm married. Spike can spot a lie from a mile away and I don't feel the need to embellish the details of my already overabundantly blessed life. I can't kick the cookie dough habit though. One more spoonful then I'm off to bed. Well.. I guess I haven't totally kicked the lying habit...let's make it two.


admandulia said...

this is maybe my favorite post you have ever done. oh, so random. mmmm cookie dough.

or-ang!-a-tang said...

hmm, so of course i'm wondering if you have ever lied to me, but it's okay - go ahead and lie, we can still be friends. by the way our electric bill was over 100 big ones. sheesh capeesh.

Silly Marie said...

One white lie I told that haunts me a little still was in High School Cross Country. I told these really gullable girls that I was born on Feb. 29th so I only had a real birthday once every 4 years. I never corrected myself and I felt bad for awhile. I'm sure they've forgotten I exist so I'm guessing it won't be held against me at judgement day...right?

As for electric bills, ours was just under $200 this month! Our whole house (small 3 BR/2 BA) is electric (no gas here) but still!

Sarah said...

Yeah, I come in 2nd for the electric bill - we totalled a cool $150 for the past billing cycle. And worth every cent.

monkey, I stopped doing the gratuitous white lie thing in college so don't worry about our whole relationship being a fraud. I do lie by NOT saying stuff sometimes but I figure everyone does that too.

Silly Marie- I laughed that your little lie still haunts you! Talk about harmless :) I'm sure the Big Guy will forgive you.

Silly Marie said...

I guess it doesn't haunt, haunt me. I mean, I don't lose sleep over it. But it still comes to mind when I think of little white lies I've told...

Adrienne said...

Wait, wait, WHOA. FIVE POUNDS of cookie dough? Are we stocking up for armegeddon? Do you know something I don't?

Also, re: the stupid heat: STUPID HEAT! Living in the midwest has spoiled me, since now I'm all "Awwwhhh... 85 with 90% humidity?? AW MAN..." and spend the day lolling around on the floor near the AC vents. Nevermind that that is a COOL, lovely day in Dallas in July...

I am a weenie.

Kaff said...

Cake sundays are WAY better than cookie dough, especially the store bought kind! I am very disappointed, Adam, save her!!

~j. said...

That is awesome. I've been quite skilled in the art of white lies in my time, but I've since given it up. It's scary when it becomes too easy to fool everyone, you know?

Rrramone said...

Excellent post! How do you feel about the baby blue lie? I like it ever so much more than the hot pink one.

Keep writing!