I am the proud owner of one unopened can of beer that is 2,241.81 miles away. A few months ago I submitted a few of my essays to NPR. Well of course I never heard back from them so I just started emailing stuff to anyone with an in-box. I stumbled upon Poor Mojo's Almanac, an online publication with wild standards, and in a fit sent them Confessions of a Hypochondriac and quickly forgot all about it. Much to my surprise a few weeks later I received a letter from the editor of Poor Mojo's who refers to himself as The Giant Squid. Don't ask. I don't know why.
After giving me the good news that my piece had been accepted, The Giant Squid wrote:
If you are ever in Ann Arbor, MI, contact us poste haste; we owe you a beer (or comparable soft beverage of your choosing)-- a social engagement which I will likely relegate to one of my several sub-editors (I have few stray moments for beverage imbibing-- a squid's work is never done.).
Additionally, neglect not the enhanced remuneration plan: If you have five pieces published with us and have not retrieved a beer (or soft beverage), than you can exchange those promised beers for one t-shirt. This t-shirts are most appropriate to two-torso-limbed writers of the medium, large or extra-large variety, in either male or female flavor.
Of course, any physical remuneration is in addition to all-encompassing, world-wide fame and Glory stretching infinitely both backward and forward in time-- you shall still doubtless receive such as that.
All for the Best in the Best of All Possible Worlds,
The Giant Squid
How did I get so lucky? My dear friend Shannon lives in Ann Arbor and has volunteered to pick up my beverage for me. I'm tempted to accept her offer just so we can determine what manner of being this Giant Squid is. But perhaps I should hold out for the two-armed tee shirt. It sounds irresitably shirt-y.
This evening I received another email from an editor from an online publication called flashquake with news that a modified version of Loose Ends that I submitted had been accepted for inclusion in their publication. This editor actually had a normal humanoid name and informed me of my "stipend" that I should expect to receive in the mail. Ten big ones. No, not beers - bucks. I'm moving up in the world. I think I'll showcase my first (and probably last) check next to my unopened beer can on my bookshelf next to my wedding photos. Eat your heart out, NPR. I've achieved worldwide fame and glory without you!