November 14, 2006

Happy to Help

I know I've commented on this before, but I am endlessly amused by the things people search on the internet that bring them to my site (my statistics counter at the bottom of the page tells me). Here are a few of my favorites from the last week alone. I'll do my best to provide intelligent answers to their queries in hopes that their internet search will not be fruitless:

"statistics christians each year get saved"

Nine. Nine lucky do-gooders make it into disco heaven. It may sound small, but it's a sight better than eight! And yes, I'm sorry to report that they'll all be Mormon.

"things I've found dumpster diving"

A copy of Utah Senator Orrin Hatch's cd splattered with leftover Protein Berry Pizzazz from Jamba Juice. Sweet!

"brother love sister-in law taboo"

Don't do it, man. She'll turn on you the second you try to call shot-gun.

"do you die if you scratch your uvula"

You'll just have to scratch it and see. You know you want to. Come on - Scratch! Scratch! Scratch!

"how to let my dance instructor know I starting to have feelings"

Oh! Oh! I know this one! You should stand in the very front row of class and wear pleather undies under your workout clothes. Then when he asks you why you are sweating so much you tell him your overwhelming desire to do the forbidden dance of love with him is seeping from your pores. Then leave pleather flower bouquets on his front door for a month, slash his tires when he takes his wife out on a date, steal his identity and kidnap his garden gnome. Then when he takes you to court, you can tell him that it was all because you were "starting to have feelings." It worked for me!

"I'm getting flakes in my hair and don't know why"

Does it have to do with your new Mary Kay shampoo? I started using their stuff a few weeks ago and my entire face is peeling off and cracking. Stick with the drug store products!

"chest hair blogs"

You found the right place! All chest hair, all the time. Spike - can we get a glimpse?

"how to get a hair from around my cockatiel's foot"

With your teeth, dummy! Plus their toenails make a great toothpick. Don't knock it till you try it. Of course, my cockatiel committed suicide only two weeks after I bought it... (RIP Goose, 1996-1996)

"reasons to celebrate fall"

Because it isn't going anywhere. Better just accept it and move on. Otherwise a full quarter of your life will be spend in bitter grumbling.

"pimple popping clips"

Why would anyone want to watch that? I assume this was a typo and you were looking for "simple hopping chicks" in which case, this video should do it. Knock yourself out.


Sarah said...

I've got to add one more I just got:

"Midget singing telegrams in Michigan"

Adam said...

oh my, you are a funny one. i am glad my testosterone-induced affliction has helped bring more traffic to your blog.

i could go for some ice cream right now said...

i wonder if someone really thought that you would actually die if you scratched your uvula. strange. and what is up with midget telegrams? you must get a lot of laughs in every day. :)

Th. said...



I don't get that many good ones in a single week.

You must be doing something right.

Lindsay said...

I second that Wow. Wow. Who ARE these people?

Sarah said...

Someone stop me. Here's another great one from today:

"how to brainwash someone into our way of thinking by playing type recordings while they sleep"

And I came up 2nd on Google for this! Maybe I should be more careful with what I'm writing...