January 30, 2007

Dr. Me

I've had a happy turn in my pregnancy. After months of exhausting myself by trying to eat right, exercise and stay busy I've found a doctor who truly understands my needs. She took one look at me and ordered me to stay in bed until my side hurt. At that point I was to transfer to the bath until my feet were sore and pruney. Then I am to transfer back to the bed and repeat the process until bedtime.

She validated my hesitation to buy maternity clothes. After all, if you have to dress like a whale, you probably shouldn't be traumatizing the public with your girth. So if nothing fits, you don't have to leave the house. She then handed me two pairs of sweat pants and a cheap cotton kimono as the standard uniform for the remainder of my pregnancy.

My doctor ordered me to pull the blinds, take the phone off the hook and ignore the knocking at the front door. As an extra motivator to stay locked inside, she suggested I pull a mean scowl every time I walk by a mirror to remind myself I am unfit for public consumption. If someone really needs to get ahold of me she assured me they'd have the fire department come and hack open the door. She then reinforced my front door with steel to give me a few extra minutes of solitude when they inevitably come with their axes.

She ordered the main source of my depression, the scale, to be removed. As most good shrinks would tell you "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." My scale learned this lesson the hard way and we cut off all communication. I feel our relationship has improved drastically since the silent treatment went into effect and have considered adding it back onto my Christmas card list.

As far as my diet, Dr. Me supplied me with a box full of chocolate calcium chews, jello pudding packs, fresh pineapple slices and frozen burritos with directions to mix and match as I see fit for every meal. For a special energizer mid-day there is always the bag of white chocolate chips which she gave directions to "apply liberally."

When I expressed my concerns to my doctor about taking care of my toddler she assured me that it is actually good for small children to have "quiet alone time" and that any effects said child would suffer from neglect during my third trimester could be overcome by supplying her with her own steady stream of white chocolate chips. Upon application, this too proves true. Pixie has never been happier.

What I can't understand is how this doctor gained so much wisdom about pregnancy when she herself has never been to med school, doesn't have a license to practice or even own a stethoscope. She assured me that her common practice was to do everything exactly opposite of what conventional doctors would suggest and her method has been comforting expectant mothers world wide. Who am I to argue? I've never been happier! Thanks a million, Dr. Me!

13 comments:

Lindsay said...

Brilliant, Sarah! Pure genius! Is your doctor accepting new patients?

Heather O. said...

I own a stethescope. Does that mean I can join your practice?

Bex said...

Do you think I need a referal to see this Dr? I think I need to make an appointment ASAP.

Suzie Petunia said...

Do you accept my health insurance?

I agree - its ok to give yourself a break.

Clyde said...

Where have you been last year when I was eternally pregnant? Put Dr. You in my contact list... Check.

AzĂșcar said...

I ignored my doctor today at peril to me. Why didn't I just listen to her? It would have been a better day!

It's true though, there are days (and today is one of them) that we are unfit for public consumption.

amanda said...

the white chocolate chips entertaining babies thing is so true. except i just now realized that white chocolate chips don't stain babies' clothes like regular chocolate. that was some good thinking.

i loved the two pairs of sweatpants and a mumu advice too. there is definitely a point in every pregnancy where i get to that point. that's sad.

tracy m said...

Does she take Cigna?

(actually, everything you write is aweome!)

citymama1 said...

Excellent advice!

citymama1 said...

P.S. Have you thought about writing a book and taking it to the infomercial circuit? Big money there. :)

acte gratuit said...

Just this morning I was wondering if it's okay for my son to miss preschool just because I don't feel like showering and/or changing out of sweats. Now I know the answer. Thanks for validating my laziness.

compulsive writer said...

So I just bribed my 15-year-old with cookie dough to stop saying this word, but...

freakin' brilliant!

Does your fabulous doc make house calls?

Kalli said...

I guess I have to send firemen over with an ax and my phone number! Call me!