March 10, 2007

The King and I

Spike is on his soap box again. He insists we buy a king sized bed. I try to ignore him when he gets like this. No good can come of it.



Its true, we both infuriate each other to the point of physical abuse during the night when it comes to defending our alloted halves of the bed. I insist on equal territory even though Spike is twice my size. However, I've received many a quick elbow to the ribs when accidentally crossing the demarcation line and I'm not above jabbing him with my thumbs when he carelessly oozes into my half during his sleep. We don't share blankets and rarely even speak once the lights are out. We were forced to sleep on a full sized mattress for a few months and after two weeks had established full silent treatment day and night. There are few more demanding endeavors than maintaining the silent treatment on a full sized mattress, but we pulled it off brilliantly. No matter how much I cater to him during the day, once the lights are out it's every man for himself.

I've spoken to dozens of smug women who gush about how happy they are on their full sized mattresses. How delightful it is to snuggle all night with their one true love. "Who needs a king?" they ask dreamily, "we basically sleep on top of each other!" When their spouse leaves town for a night they panic - their Snugglepuss is gone and sleep is impossible. I give these people a bitter smile. The sweet snugglers. Those who would be more than happy to sleep on a twin mattress . Those who don't even need blankets in winter because their shared body heat more than warms their slumber. How I hate them.

Buying a king sized bed would end our bloody bedtime wars. We would smile placidly at each other across the great expanse, Spike would build his three foot wall of pillows, I'd switch off the light and we'd roll up in our assigned blanks for a peaceful night free of elbows and cursing. Theoretically it would be better for our marriage just as getting our own bathrooms was better for our marriage. But secretly I want to be one of those smug women gushing about my cozy nighttime rituals. I know that after six years of marriage the likelihood of us becoming snugglers is slim yet I refuse to let this fanciful dream wither away. We'll continue our night battles as long as I can hold him off from buying that hateful king.

Someday I'll let down my guard and Spike will get his precious expansive bed. Then a few years later I'll find myself sleeping in the bedroom down the hall. After another ten years or so Spike will construct a separate apartment behind the main house for me to sleep in. In fifty years we'll have completely forgotten the intimate delights of jabbing your beloved in the ribs at two in the morning. It may not be the most affectionate kind of physical nighttime contact, but I'll take a jab to the gut anyday over nothing at all. Down with the King!

28 comments:

Th. said...

.

I'ld like to comment but I've some snugglin to do.

Janell said...

Forget king. Go California King.

Or you could simply each get your own bed in your own bedroom. Then you can be a smug woman who doesn't have to endure her husband's snoring and don't catch his colds as easily. ;)

Ah, it's so easy to come up with nonsensical advice when one is single.

Toni said...

I recently caved, and got the king! So, so glad! I am no longer awoken at night, I actually SLEEP until morning! Best investment we have made yet! I am the snorer, and now I don't get shoved all night long!

Cave Sarah, Cave!

Adrienne said...

Those snuggly couples? Yeah, that's denial, right there. You cannot snuggle all the time AND get enough sleep to be a functional awake human being. Not possible.

We bought a queen size last year (a king won't fit up the stairs) and it's AMAZING the different those, what? five little inches make.

The Wiz said...

Get.The.King.Now.

If you need night time contact, you can always bring Penny in with you.

Seriously. Best bed ever. King! KING!!

If you have room, get it!

I think it's pretty clear where I stand.

Sarah said...

Wow. Looks like we've got a bunch of lousy romantics around here. Sheesh!

Anonymous said...

Before my husband and I got married, my dad gave him some advice. He said as long as you touch feet at night you know you are okay. My parent's weren't overly affectionate but their marriage was strong. We have found that touching feet communicates something very unique. I am pretty sure you can touch feet in a king and it doesn't require snuggling.

AzĂșcar said...

Our queen and marriage have been challenged because I brought an interloper into the bed. Other Half HATES it, but it is the only way to sleep while pregnant.

We have never been snugglers and I am suspicious of those who are. I need my space, thank you very much.

I cannot WAIT until we get a King. Cave, you'll feel better, everybody's doing it.

kaff said...

I'm in a queen right now, but I have a king (we're waiting for the frame). The queen works, but I LOVE my king! I got it when I was single and brought it with me, he is a little harder to convince :)

Adrienne said...

Of course, now that I think about it, those extra five inches are filled with cat. Overfilled, actually, as Oliver could use a diet....

Annie said...

Get the king size bed and some 600+ count sheets. You'll thank me later.

citymama1 said...

What a timely topic. The husband and I were just discussing this...only he was thinking about seperate Master Suites- at least I wouldn't get mad about having to pick up his socks. I struck that one down, though, and recommended the King instead.

mildew said...

Citymama1--I am all for separate bathrooms! Boys are stinky and dirty.

Colleen said...

I LOVE our king. Granted, having a 6'9" husband makes it pretty much mandatory, but you need no such excuse! It's like having your very own bed. Romance is for when you're awake.

Mrs. M said...

We have a king and we love it. In the summer, we don't have to touch at all. Plus that way, everyone still has room when the boys sneak in at 5 am.

I, too, am all for separate bathrooms.

Jamie J said...

Personally I love sharing bathrooms, it's DH that doesn't. He hates it when I sneak in to get something if he's in the shower. The king bed thing, DH wants too. When we were married he actually asked to sleep on the couch one night so that he could have space. I wouldn't let him. :) He likes to sprawl all out and would get a King if I agreed to it. I do NOT like touching people when I sleep so I wouldn't mind, but we just bought a new mattress 3 1/2 years ago. It's hardly time to toss this one. I'm the one that nudges Spencer when he crosses my "line." One night I woke up with him on my pillow....oh the shudders just thinking about it! :)

Jenny said...

My husband and I would rather sleep in separate beds than share a full. We also have separate sheets.

If you give in to a King, there won't be anything holding you together...you will never see him again.

Silly Marie said...

Wait until after you have a baby to decide. There will be much more room minus your present tummy.

I like Queen the best. But we're relatively easy sleepers. Neither of us snore or toss much at all. If that weren't the case, maybe I'd give in too.

My parents sleep in a Full and love it. They have queen beds in the house but choose to stay on the Full. Crazy.

bill said...

yesterday this was in the nytimes discussing the popular trend of creating his and her bedrooms for the couple of the house.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/11/us/11separate.html?em&ex=1173844800&en=da3ed84a8d1e98bd&ei=5087%0A

"In a survey in February by the National Association of Home Builders, builders and architects predicted that more than 60 percent of custom houses would have dual master bedrooms by 2015."

s'mee said...

I say go as large as your space allows. Eventually there will be so many people in that bed that you'll wish you just lay wall to wall matresses on the floor!

And in the mean time -trust me- you will come to love a king or cal-king. (and the high thread count!)

compulsive writer said...

The bad thing about a king is that there is more room for more kids to climb in bed with you when they get scared in the middle of the night and T-bone you.

Rachel said...

I have no clue... I sleep on a twin that doubles as my couch in my living room. My sister has a queen size bed that takes up the entire bedroom. So I volunteered to take my bed elsewhere. Remember when you had roommates? I'd take your dilemma anyday-- only one bed to deal with.

luckyzmom said...

We love our king!

Stephanie said...

Go king! We started with a full, then a queen and now a king (for the past four years). LOVE. IT. Don't worry about the snuggling part--think about it, you might start off that way in any bed but do you wake in the morning like that? No, you're on your sides of the bed. So just get the king, snuggle, then enjoy the freedom! When we had all those roof problems and had to bunk in Katie's room, we have a queen guest bed and being that close together bugged me after having my space for so long. Also, with a king you can tuck your body pillow in with you (which I did every night when I was PG).

Adam said...

Jamie J., you wrote:

but we just bought a new mattress 3 1/2 years ago. It's hardly time to toss this one.


No need to toss it. Craigslist, my dear girl. Craigslist.

Bex said...

My husband and I barely get through the night on our queen bed. And we would go bigger, but the queen barely fits in our teeny tiny apartment. Someday!!

:: Suzanne :: said...

We love our CA King. 2 tall people, 3 big dogs, and 2 cats. Occasionaly a house-bunny or two.

LCM said...

I keep threatening to get two twin mattresses and he will know my mood, depending on where they are in the room. We had a queen, then an olympic queen and I was getting seriously abused. I am 5'10" and he is 5'9" and very buff. I am so not a snuggler. I NEED sleep. When we moved, we got a king sized bed and it is awesome!