March 27, 2007

The Tough Gal's Guide to Induction

I'm not going to blog about the joys of having contractions every 90 seconds since noon on Sunday.

I'm not going to blog about the nasty 5000 calorie lunch at Burger King I ate trying to scare the kid out of me.

I'm not going to blog about how I spent all Monday in the observation room at Labor and Delivery just to be sent home empty handed.

Instead, I've spent the past few hours looking up some induction techniques on the internet. Here are some I'm considering:

When Plains Indian women were near term but showed no signs of labor, their tribe was happy to help. She would be tied to a rock and the men would stage a mock attack, pulling up their horses at the last minute hoping to scare it out of her. Maybe we could try this with our Toyota instead. Besides, I've been meaning to have the brakes checked on that thing for a while now.

The Pilgrims would tie overdue women to a pole, and pound the pole up and down against the ground attempting to shake the baby loose. I'm endlessly amazed at how much fun those Puritans had despite themselves. It's a tragedy that this family-friendly tradition has been lost by the wayside.

Another old superstition was that whipping male servants induced labor. There is record of one birth where a medieval German Empress had 20 men whipped outside of her labor room to ensure a successful delivery. Who would I have whipped? Maybe I could get a few of the bag boys from my grocery store to volunteer. Or somehow coerce that surly cashier at my library into taking a few stripes. It may not bring a baby, but it would make me feel better about all my questionable late fees.

Then there are the hundreds of Italian restaurants that claim to have dishes that will send a woman straight to the delivery room. I'm betting most of these dishes contain rat poison and should be eaten only in case of extreme crabbiness. At this point, I pretty sure I could pull off a convincing Crabby. Bring on the stromboli.


Toni said...

OMG! Nothing like waking up at 5:30-ish (my time)and having soda coming through my nose! You have that affect on me! I know how is it in end, I offered my doctor cold hard cash to get 'this kid' outta me! Obviously, it wasn't enough.

Good luck!

ps- Suburban Turmoil did a post a few weeks ago about an eggplany dish that puts you in labor within 48 hours. Might wanna check that out!

Toni said...

Umm... that was eggplant.

acte gratuit said...

I really want to comment, but I can't think of a G-rated way to share my many wonderful ideas. Oh well. Hopefully, you'll go into labor without any help!

citymama1 said...

Sex and Thai food. Try it. Good luck!

P.S. Your post was hilarious. I'm secretly hoping you won't have the baby for a few more days so we'll at least get a couple more of your witty posts before the blogging maternity leave. :)

Rachelle Black said...

okay, here's the scoop. I keep thinking you are like the proverbial 'watched pot' and if I don't visit for a day or two, I'll suddenly find you have popped. Tis not so!

Whatever you do, do NOT go the pitocin (sp) way.
With my first I had pre-eclampsia.
They thought it would be good for me to get him out ASAP- so... I went to the hospital and for 3 days a smiling nursey came in and turned on the IV of Pain. It ran until 10 pm at night, when a smiley nursey came in to unhook it and then ran for her life as I tried to heave myself out of the bed to wipe the smile off her face.
In the meantime I had horribly painful contractions.... all day....for 3 days.... but no baby.

I vote for some spicy Mexican- so what's the worst that can happen, you get some indigestion??

Or, you could try leaping into the air off a berm like my pregnant alpacas do, that usually works in a couple of days :))

phillywms said...

My husband threatened to make me ride the L train back and forth from Brooklyn to Manhattan (the tunnel is a bumpy ride) over & over again if I hadn't given birth by Dec. 29th (he just cared about the tax break, not the fact that my belly was about to split because it was so big). And come to think of it, I was eating Italian food when my water broke on Dec. 26th...

compulsive writer said...

If I could label your posts I would have one label for all my favorites and it would be called, "Freakin' Brilliant!"

This post would definitely be under that label.

As for the overdue-ness and failure to incite productive labor all I can say is: been there; done that.

Best wishes!!!!!

Awesome Mom said...

Rofl!! I feel your pain which is why I am glad that I now have planned c-sections. I hope that the kid decides to come out before he is ready to go to college.

Suzie Petunia said...

You must have found the same websites I did when googling "inducing labor"! I am drinking red raspberry tea this very moment because my midwife suggested it to induce labor. I've been drinking gallons of it for the last week and NADA! I hope you have your baby soon! (And I hope I do, too!)

Adrienne said...

Man, what happened 9 months ago that made everyone so amorous? Sarah, you're one of 5 women I know who are due within a week of each other. And THEY'RE all bouncing up and down, screaming "I WANT MY BODY BACK, YOU PARASITE!"

Well, except the one with the hernia... she's not jumping much. Seriously, though... nine months ago? There's not even a holiday around then. Blackout?

tarable said...

I learned this tip in massage therapy school when we were learning Shiatsu. There is a pressure point between the thumb and first finger, in the fatty valley between those two, that is supposed to induce labor. We were warned about avoiding that spot when working on pregnant women. Give it a sounds like it might be a little less painful than some of your other options. Good luck!

Glo said...

Oh miss good golly Jean! Get that baby out of you before the bag boys of the world unite in terror!

That's the funniest pre-labor rant I've ever overheard. Good luck bringing a stubborn yet adorable baby into the world!

BTW, I'm mean and not available to help with any Puritanical rites. However, my sis-in-law swears by castor oil and raspberry tea. No, I don't know the method of administration. Don't ask, don't tell - works for me and the military and most of the un-married Puritans and bag boys, I'd imagine.

P.S. My word verification is eefufx. You might want to use that once actual labor starts.

Heffalump said...

Unpack your bag for the hospital, put everything away and become unprepared...the baby will radar right in on that and be on the way before you can get things ready again.
Spend some...quality time with your husband. (I have heard of many midwives giving that advice, and somehow the husbands always seem much more willing to try it than the wives do.)
Climb a few flights of stairs...(you could try that 69 flight climb that firefighters in training have to do, maybe a helicopter could meet you on the roof to fly you to the hospital. can't hurt anything.

AzĂșcar said...

It's YOU AND ME babe, you and me.

These ungrateful kids don't know when to leave when their time is up: sending us home from the hospital, not responding to any techniques, acting like they own the place. Suffice it to say, I am not great company right now.

Jenny said...

Castor oil merely makes your intestines retch, you might as well eat out and get the same reaction, only you'd enjoy it going down.

For what its worth, I tried out my breat pump and went into labor within 24 hours. (But then, I was three days overdue and had a sympathetic doctor who gave me pitocin and an epidural within 4 hours of daylight, so...)

This too shall pass.

CACKEL said...

All I know is that you can try every technique in the book and might get lucky if one of them will work, but I tried them ALL on my last two pregnancies, and nothing but good old pitocin did anything at all for me. And I wanted to strangle anyone who told me to drink more red raspberry tea. I drank it my whole pregnancy (along with taking other herbs JUST IN CASE) but I was 8!!! days over due.

I know you feel about 8 days overdue right now since you had Penny so early. I don't wish going overdue on anybody, so I hope you have this baby soon. GOOD LUCK! May the psychological trauma of the last weeks of pregnancy finally come to an end.

Oh, one thing that helped me was when I had to go to church on my due date, and I was complaining, and some lady who was 4 months pregnant said, "Wow. I wish today was MY due date." At least you have 98% of this whole pregnancy behind you.

Adam said...

thanks for all the tips, everyone. i especially like the idea about squeezing the spot between the thumb and forefinger.

amanda, i got all excited when i saw your log in. you guys should start a sweet blog.

Weekends Off said...

LOL this post was TOO Funny! I had no clue...I can't imagine being tied to a rock or a pole like that!

I thought you squeezed the spot between the thumb and forefinger to rid yourself of a migrane?

I don't remember how I found your blog, but anyway I've heard that having an orgasm would start labor. I read that it can open your cervix by as much as 2 centimeters. Also semen is supposed to contain some natural hormone that is involved in the start of labor.

Patrick said...

Ummm, you could always ask the doctor to induce you... it worked for us.

Kerri said...

Use the breast-pump, but I heard this could actually make it worse than petocin. But a little pain can be totally worth not having to sleep with 10 pillows anymore.

Good Luck! Let me know if you need anything. Tyler would love to have a play-date with Penny if you need a break!

Kerri said...

P.S. this made me laugh so hard! I love your idea of using the Toyota.

Sarah said...

Fabulous ideas, all - but I must confess, I'm really not that interested in getting the kid here any faster than it wants to come. If my memory serves correctly, life is totally miserable for a few months after baby comes what with nursing and no sleep and all. I'm happy to give the little lump another month inside as long as it plays nice in there. Luckily the contractions stopped today so I can go back to pretending I just have a freaky weight problem instead of a ticking timebomb in my gut.

Bek said...

Sara you are killing me. I was laughing out loud picturing the pilgrams....

Sorry that I can't help you there. I want you and Suzi and Azucar to have those babies already.... My only bio baby was induced the SECOND the light dawned on my due date. Pitocin worked for me...

Chanel said...

Your witt astounds me! Seriously I NEED you in my life!
Umm, can I just say EVERY library employee EVERYWHERE needs a whipping every now and then! What's up with the superior attitude? "Yeah you know the Dewy Decimal system, you're oober cool."

And on a personal note, I have always loved that last legg of the pregnancy, its the last time they'll be in you; easily toted around, fed and comforted without any real effort on my part, they sleep when I want and are so sweet and quiet, they're just the best at this stage. :)

Jared, Melissa, & soon Lindsey said...

I read of a woman that tried fried pickles. It didn't work for her, but I thought that was a creative idea. Melissa and I are trying banana splits to induce labor. It hasn't worked yet, but everyday that we have one we are happier.

Lianne said...

Babies come when babies come. (And don't you just want to slap me right now)

Pooping is a great labor inducer, hence the ol' castor oil treatment.

Chiropractic adjustments are great.

And, well... sex. Lots and lots of sex. (Which can I just say that having lots and lots of sex when you are really thinking about having a baby isn't the most conducive thing in the world, but hey, I'm just passing on INFORMATION)