The Tough Gal's Guide to Induction
I'm not going to blog about the joys of having contractions every 90 seconds since noon on Sunday.
I'm not going to blog about the nasty 5000 calorie lunch at Burger King I ate trying to scare the kid out of me.
I'm not going to blog about how I spent all Monday in the observation room at Labor and Delivery just to be sent home empty handed.
Instead, I've spent the past few hours looking up some induction techniques on the internet. Here are some I'm considering:
When Plains Indian women were near term but showed no signs of labor, their tribe was happy to help. She would be tied to a rock and the men would stage a mock attack, pulling up their horses at the last minute hoping to scare it out of her. Maybe we could try this with our Toyota instead. Besides, I've been meaning to have the brakes checked on that thing for a while now.
The Pilgrims would tie overdue women to a pole, and pound the pole up and down against the ground attempting to shake the baby loose. I'm endlessly amazed at how much fun those Puritans had despite themselves. It's a tragedy that this family-friendly tradition has been lost by the wayside.
Another old superstition was that whipping male servants induced labor. There is record of one birth where a medieval German Empress had 20 men whipped outside of her labor room to ensure a successful delivery. Who would I have whipped? Maybe I could get a few of the bag boys from my grocery store to volunteer. Or somehow coerce that surly cashier at my library into taking a few stripes. It may not bring a baby, but it would make me feel better about all my questionable late fees.
Then there are the hundreds of Italian restaurants that claim to have dishes that will send a woman straight to the delivery room. I'm betting most of these dishes contain rat poison and should be eaten only in case of extreme crabbiness. At this point, I pretty sure I could pull off a convincing Crabby. Bring on the stromboli.
Comments
Good luck!
ps- Suburban Turmoil did a post a few weeks ago about an eggplany dish that puts you in labor within 48 hours. Might wanna check that out!
P.S. Your post was hilarious. I'm secretly hoping you won't have the baby for a few more days so we'll at least get a couple more of your witty posts before the blogging maternity leave. :)
Whatever you do, do NOT go the pitocin (sp) way.
With my first I had pre-eclampsia.
They thought it would be good for me to get him out ASAP- so... I went to the hospital and for 3 days a smiling nursey came in and turned on the IV of Pain. It ran until 10 pm at night, when a smiley nursey came in to unhook it and then ran for her life as I tried to heave myself out of the bed to wipe the smile off her face.
In the meantime I had horribly painful contractions.... all day....for 3 days.... but no baby.
I vote for some spicy Mexican- so what's the worst that can happen, you get some indigestion??
Or, you could try leaping into the air off a berm like my pregnant alpacas do, that usually works in a couple of days :))
Slainte~
Rachelle
This post would definitely be under that label.
As for the overdue-ness and failure to incite productive labor all I can say is: been there; done that.
Best wishes!!!!!
Well, except the one with the hernia... she's not jumping much. Seriously, though... nine months ago? There's not even a holiday around then. Blackout?
That's the funniest pre-labor rant I've ever overheard. Good luck bringing a stubborn yet adorable baby into the world!
BTW, I'm mean and not available to help with any Puritanical rites. However, my sis-in-law swears by castor oil and raspberry tea. No, I don't know the method of administration. Don't ask, don't tell - works for me and the military and most of the un-married Puritans and bag boys, I'd imagine.
P.S. My word verification is eefufx. You might want to use that once actual labor starts.
Spend some...quality time with your husband. (I have heard of many midwives giving that advice, and somehow the husbands always seem much more willing to try it than the wives do.)
Climb a few flights of stairs...(you could try that 69 flight climb that firefighters in training have to do, maybe a helicopter could meet you on the roof to fly you to the hospital.
Pray...it can't hurt anything.
These ungrateful kids don't know when to leave when their time is up: sending us home from the hospital, not responding to any techniques, acting like they own the place. Suffice it to say, I am not great company right now.
For what its worth, I tried out my breat pump and went into labor within 24 hours. (But then, I was three days overdue and had a sympathetic doctor who gave me pitocin and an epidural within 4 hours of daylight, so...)
This too shall pass.
I know you feel about 8 days overdue right now since you had Penny so early. I don't wish going overdue on anybody, so I hope you have this baby soon. GOOD LUCK! May the psychological trauma of the last weeks of pregnancy finally come to an end.
Oh, one thing that helped me was when I had to go to church on my due date, and I was complaining, and some lady who was 4 months pregnant said, "Wow. I wish today was MY due date." At least you have 98% of this whole pregnancy behind you.
amanda, i got all excited when i saw your log in. you guys should start a sweet blog.
I thought you squeezed the spot between the thumb and forefinger to rid yourself of a migrane?
I don't remember how I found your blog, but anyway I've heard that having an orgasm would start labor. I read that it can open your cervix by as much as 2 centimeters. Also semen is supposed to contain some natural hormone that is involved in the start of labor.
Good Luck! Let me know if you need anything. Tyler would love to have a play-date with Penny if you need a break!
Sorry that I can't help you there. I want you and Suzi and Azucar to have those babies already.... My only bio baby was induced the SECOND the light dawned on my due date. Pitocin worked for me...
Umm, can I just say EVERY library employee EVERYWHERE needs a whipping every now and then! What's up with the superior attitude? "Yeah you know the Dewy Decimal system, you're oober cool."
LAME!
And on a personal note, I have always loved that last legg of the pregnancy, its the last time they'll be in you; easily toted around, fed and comforted without any real effort on my part, they sleep when I want and are so sweet and quiet, they're just the best at this stage. :)
Pooping is a great labor inducer, hence the ol' castor oil treatment.
Chiropractic adjustments are great.
And, well... sex. Lots and lots of sex. (Which can I just say that having lots and lots of sex when you are really thinking about having a baby isn't the most conducive thing in the world, but hey, I'm just passing on INFORMATION)