May 4, 2007

Public Domain

I'm edible. Get over it.

I understand that by choosing to have a baby I've made myself into L.A.'s latest zoological curiosity. The assumption when speaking to a new mom is that that no question is too personal, no comment unjustified. I'm just supposed to don my maternal grace and answer all queries as to my body, health, and emotional state with a smile. But despite my best efforts to preserve my Queen Elizabeth sneer in the face of imbeciles, I've been thrown.

I left a voice mail for one of my tenants the other day regarding a matter of apartment business. He's an older, single man who I've only seen three or four times and our relationship is strictly professional. When he returned my call he opened with the usual pleasantries.

"So you've had your baby? I hear that labor can be up to fourteen hours!" he began.
"Yes, it can even be much longer than that, but mine wasn't so bad this time."
"Did you know that some people actually videotape the birth?"
"That's crazy." I replied, deciding not to tell him we had done just that.
"Maybe you could clear something up for me," he went on. "A friend of mine was just telling me that when women breastfeed, milk doesn't just come out of the nipple. The entire areola spurts out milk. Is that true?"

I wasn't sure how to answer. Was this still considered "small talk" or could I respond with the more appropriate reaction of calling him a sicko? Is my chest public domain simply because I'm lactating?

"Uhh...I don't have that problem." I stammered. "Now about your apartment..."

All in favor of nailing this man into a box full of dead rats say, 'aye.'

24 comments:

Janell said...

I think I'd be a little more passive agressive by nailing dead rats inside of his mailbox. ;)

Toni said...

AYE! AYE! AYE! What a butt wipe! Would he ask your husband these questions???

Dana said...

AYE! What a sicko!

compulsive writer said...

Ewwwww! Some people's children. You should have told him it comes out your nose, too.

And ditto toni with a triple AYE!

AzĂșcar said...

That is...uhm...

Why do people ask these kinds of questions? Time for someone to start reading wikipedia.

Clyde said...

"Hey, old-single-guy, think you got that way by asking such thoughtful questions?"

Heather O. said...

I think you just should have told him everything. EVERYTHING. You could have said something like, "Yes, as a matter of fact, it's not just one hole, it's many holes, and they can spurt on demand about 3 feet, which means STAND BACK, BOY! if you are around a nursing mother. Also, when my baby nurses on my breasts, there is a hormone that gets released called oxytocin, which stimulates labor pains, which is good to shrink my uterus, but BOY DOES IT HURT, so sometimes I just YOWL in pain when my baby latches on. And did you know to get a full latch she has to put THE ENTIRE BREAST in her mouth? I swear these little guys are just like barracudas, and of course it's not surprise that my boobs are going to be WAY SAGGIER after nursing, because after all, what kind of organ could really stand that much sucking and not totally change?"

I bet he never asks you a question after that.

emma jo said...

Is it kosher to raise someone's rent because they are obnoxious?

Colleen said...

Wow. Just wow.

Amber said...

Wow. Just WOW.

wynne said...

I'm with Heather on this one. Tell him ALL.

And "aye"--but make them live rats.

And pour syrup on his toes.

Genevieve said...

There's video!? Is it on YouTube yet? Can you post a link?

J-Rod

pflower10 said...

I think we all can see why he is still single!!

Calidaho said...

Just invite him to a baby shower with women who have had babies--he will hear war stories that would make even the strongest man queasy! He would never ask a creepy question again.

Heffalump said...

Who decided the Rats had to be dead? Its more fun if they are alive...and HUNGRY.

Sarah said...

I kind of like the idea of being stuck with sweetly rotting rat corpses rather than the perky live scenario. It's my own version of hell. But who knows, for this guy, hell is probably being a woman. Maybe I could just force him to get a sex change.

Marie said...

I'm thinking the full disclosure would feed his sickness. I'm sure he has EXCELLENT Internet research skills which he could use to answer his own question. Probably he just wants to hear a woman say "nipple."

I say a *live* box of rats, and coat his boobies in Cheez Whiz before you nail it shut.

Rachelle Black said...

Ha-Ha Marie!!! That was great. It will give him a succinct idea of what the first week or so of nursing really feels like.

Sarah, seriously- my advice? Let Adam call him from now on.
You don't need that kind of person in your life.

Some day I'll blog about my adventures with my first hubby- a recovering alchoholic who counseled sex addicts.... is there an oxymoron in there somewhere??
Hugs for you and the little sweetiepie!!!
Slainte~
Rachelle

tracy m said...

AYE!!!!

s'mee said...

"WARNING WARNING WILL ROBINSON!!! DANGER! DANGER!" This is seriously creeping me out just by reading it. I add my voice to Rachelle's and say Adam handles this guy from now on...and when I say "handle" have him take that however he feels necessary. This is way beyond what is normal conversation between a client and manager. This guy knew exactly what he was doing and more than likely already knew the answer to his question. It is just creepy on too many levels to have any further contact with this jerk ever again.

I need to go boil my eyes now. eeeew!

Jenny said...

Aye!

Julie said...

AYEEEEEEEEEE!!! That's just gross!

Bubbles said...

Aye!

Bartimaeus said...

Do we say areola? At least he didn't ask about an episiotomy!