June 21, 2007

Mother Goose

I've unwittingly raised a city girl. Our family recently went to Utah for vacation and Pixie worked herself up into a screaming fit every time she saw an inchworm. I was baffled. In 2nd grade I had an inchworm box that I brought with me to school and had the little guys entertain me during the long classes. So when my own flesh and blood screamed at the prospect of even leaving the house for fear of our green allies, I knew something had to be done. My apartment dwelling, city slicker spawn must be broken.

We've been living at the L.A. Arboretum ever since. The place is crawling with disgusting insects, bee hives, turtles, ducks, lizards, peacocks, and every other respectable germy varmint. It took Pixie a few trips, but she's finally getting accustomed to paling around with inferior life forms.

But there is one animal there that I refuse to let into our Mother Earth Circle of Love. The Canadian Goose. Call me cruel, but I have no place in my heart for these presumptuous fowl with their beady black eyes and insatiable gluttony. My childhood was filled with aggressive geese chasing me across lawns and sickening slips in their greasy remains. I remember tales of geese beating small children to death with their wings. I never could drop my suspicions of the murderous intents of the local population.

I taught Pixie on day one at the Arboretum that the geese aren't our friends. She laughed and asked why not. "Because they are evil." Of course, Pixie followed up with her stubborn "why," but I let it stand at that. As a kid, I was walking through a field and a goose flying overhead dropped a bomb onto my bare foot. Pure evil.

It is with no remorse that we now feed our precious bread crumbs only to the cuter, gentler mallards. I feel no guilt whatsoever about finding a new spot on the pond when the geese discover our generosity and swim over for their share. Pixie plays along, and breaks into hysterical fits of laughter when I try and 'shoo' away the geese. She doesn't yet understand why her mother, who encourages her to pick up bugs, catch lizards, and pet turtles, is the blood-enemy of the goose. I don't want her to be a city slicker, but I can't stomach the idea of my own child entering into a peace treaty with this soulless bird.

Pixie is now well on her way to being a nature girl. As her mother, it is with pride that I watch her chase butterflies, stalk lizards and sneer at geese. She'll turn out just fine.

16 comments:

cruncha said...

Oh!!! I once watched the home video of a little girl I was babysitting. In this video, a goose bites her bottom. Truly evil birds!!!

Sarah said...

i HATE geese as well. But in more of a I-know-they-intend-me-harm kinda way.

compulsive writer said...

Stalking lizards is a most excellent pastime. Way to go Mom!

Ang said...

Geese ARE evil!!! When we lived in Boise, I was attacked on more than one occasion--I would be minding my own business and suddenly, flapping and biting! My best friend's mom was attacked by one--it grabbed onto her crotch and wouldn't let go. That was actually kinda funny, but, still evil. I have noticed the Arboretum geese aren't as mean. I saw a couple of guys chasing and provoking them and they just waddled away like wuss geese.

amyjane said...

Geese scare the bejeevils out of me. They have a scary, scary look in their eyes. Just last week we have old bread and so we went to Idlewild park to feed ducks. We found a family with baby ducks and Patrick was having such a nice time until 50 geese swooped right in and tried to eat the baby ducks, the bread and my kid. Hate the geese.

Julie said...

Geese are so evil here in Boston.

Luckily I have a 75lb Yellow Lab that likes to bark at them and chase the around, so now I am not too afraid.

Have you ever been hissed at by a goose?

Scariest. Thing. Ever.

claiborne said...

I am not a big fan of geese, but they pale in comparison to my true dreaded fowl: the swan. Oh sure, they are supposed to represent beauty and grace, but they HISS and they have little pointy teeth-things on their beak and one once attacked the 2-year-old I was babysitting. They are cruel beasts.

Lindsay said...

I don't mind the geese -- so long as they keep their distance from me and don't pick the middle of the road as a nice place to stop and sun awhile.

My mom used to come back with daily reports from her morning walks, which took her around a fenced-in duck pond, of a big, white, bossy, arrogant goose who took it upon herself to sit on abandoned duck nests...and then honk furiously at anyone who tried to convince her that her efforts were futile. Geese...I just don't get 'em.

s'mee said...

two words:

Mother Goose

Basic Black with Pearls said...

Uh, Sarah, You've gone and offended yet again through your edgy blog! I just saw a very upset looking creature headed exactly in your direction. Lock your doors!

Kenz said...

When I was four I was innocently feeding ducks with my grandparents and a goose came up and bit my hand. My grandparents tried to calm me by saying the goose 'mistook' my hand for a piece of bread. 22 years later I am still angry. I do not hurt animals but since geese are only winged demons I am completely fine forcefully shoving them away from my daughter with my foot.

Mrs. M said...

I must confess a soft spot for Canadian geese because 1) I'm Canadian, and 2) the town in MN where I grew up is home to many geese each winter. But I agree, they are mean.

Suzie Petunia said...

"soulless bird"... hee hee hee

Lisa M. said...

This made me laugh.

*grin*

The pelicans have arrived on the pond near my home, and they are so beautiful. The geese come in the fall-

I've not had much to do with them, but I'll keep my mind about me, when Ethan is amongst the evil beasts.

emma jo said...

I too share your disgust for these wretched creatures. I once saw a TV program of a man who did art from different colored goose poop that he dried in the toaster oven...that sealed the deal.

AzĂșcar said...

I feel the same way about chickens...grrr

Geese are MEAN.