July 31, 2007

A Letter to Barry Bonds

Dear Mr. Bonds,

I hear you're on the fast track to beating Hank Aaron's home run record. Although the media insists you shouldn't get any credit because your success is due to illegal steroid use, I earnestly applaud you in your pursuit of this record.

How gutsy to not only make light of America's National Pastime, but to then yank from his pedestal one of the scrappiest players of all time, Hank Aaron. Aaron was too good to be true. African American, from a tiny town in the south, raised in poverty, learning how to play baseball with sticks, Americans are sick of these self-made-man stories. We want someone we can relate to. We want someone who knows how to beat the system. We want someone who throws tradition aside and takes what they want, to hell with the casualties. Nobody wants to see a clean fight anymore. Barry, I applaud you for taking a folding chair to Aaron's record. Now just go for that final low blow and glory will be yours forever.

I hear fans have all kinds of tricks up their sleeves for when you break the record. As soon as #756 clears the fence, thousands of people will light your playing cards on fire and hold up pictures of Hank. As the game stops to celebrate the new record, the stadium will swell with boos while you strut to midfield for the celebratory ceremony. Fans will no longer want your autograph on game programs, instead you'll be asked to put your John Hancock on affidavits attesting to your ill-gotten record.

But I suggest that these fans are the poor sports, not you. Whatever happened to the traditional American spirit? The spirit that drove the scrappy settlers at Plymouth rock who systematically killed and drove out Native Americans to settle their sterile colonies. Those industrious Americans who captured and enslaved thousands of Africans to grow cotton and dust their china cabinets. The Americans I know and love have few scruples about encouraging women to surgically enhance their bodies and then flaunt them on the cover of glamor magazines. You are the definitive all-American. You did what you had to do to break a record - does it really matter what got you there?

The aging Aaron has refused to be in attendance when you break his record. Sour grapes in my opinion. True, Hammerin' Hank was a phenomena in his time. But he retired from baseball over thirty years ago. Shouldn't all his standing baseball records be broken by any means possible to breathe new life into the game? Aaron still leads the league in career home runs, RBIs, extra base hits and total bases. Borrrr-ing. Shoot whatever toxic waste you can find into those arms, Barry, to knock this puffed up egomaniac off his pedestal. I don't care how hard it is to find a batting helmet big enough for that watermelon sized head of yours, step up to the plate and take what's rightfully yours.

So on that day when you grab the record, I'll make sure to shoot a whithering stare at the fans who weep and wear black armbands. I'm a real American. And so are you.

Sincerely, Hollywood

16 comments:

Janell said...

Now /that's/ satire =)

tracy m said...

fabulous, sarah! fabulous.

emma jo said...

heh, you're funny.

Jamie J said...

That was fantastic!

AzĂșcar said...

Barry Bonds makes me proud to be American. I like that he's so personable and kind to his fans--and to the public in general.

I can't think of a nicer person to break Aaron's record.

Th. said...

.

I haven't liked him ever since he left the Pirates.

Kelli said...

Surely you are sending this letter into a newspaper somewhere. It's priceless! :)

Sarah said...

I sent it to the L.A. Times. If they publish it Barry's mom will probably come and shoot me. But it will be worth it!

Torchness said...

I always thought the funniest thing would be for Barry to break the record by hitting a fly ball, easily catchable, and the right fielder just letting it hang out there on the ground, giving Barry an inside-the-park homerun during which no flashbulbs will have popped and he will be rounding the bases going, "Hah?" How fabulously defeating would that be!?

pflower10 said...

BEAUUUUUUTIFUUUULLLYYY PUT!! Please let us that don't live in the LA area know if the times printed your letter...I woud looooooooove to see that.


And BTW, I love that you linked me.

Kerri said...

Arthur and I were just joking about how professional athletes should be required to take drugs or use anything possible to make themselves better athletes. Let's see how far science can take us, right? Imagine all the money we would save in reduced legal battles!

I hope the LA times prints this. Please tell us so we can look out for it!

Annie said...

You are so well-rounded. You write about sports too!

Abby said...

I'm so glad you posted this--I've been thinking about steroids, ya know, for housework and stuff, and now I'm sold. I should probably add a boob job too, just because. I also want to hear if this makes it to the NYT bc what kind of crap are they printing if this doesn't make it? Seriously.

Sarah said...

The Times didn't take it. Oh well. I guess the bit comparing him to Indian-killing Puritans didn't sit well...

We are a happy family. said...

Ah, someone who hate the man as much as I do!
I truly appreciate this.

LittlePaintedPolkaDots said...

This is fan.tas.tic! I am printing it and sharing it with all the baseball-crazed people in my life.