September 19, 2007

Contest Schmorgazborg

I'm in the mood for a contest. Let's see if I can think something up for your guys...

The best comeback for when your two year old tells you she hates you


A fitting campaign slogan for Hillary Clinton's 2008 Presidential run


The most stirring haiku about the inside of your belly button. "Outties" are not allowed to enter this contest. You freaks.


The reason you are more righteous than everyone else you know - the most righteous person wins (everyone else gets sent to you-know-where. Enter this particular contest at your own risk)

OR lastly,

The best "yo mama" joke. For example: "Yo mama's so ugly she made an onion cry"

Feel free to enter any or all of the contests. I'll give one prize to the winner of each of the five contests. And what will the prize be...(think, Hollywood, it's got to be good...)

Let's say the winners get a mix CD of all my very favorite songs. Be warned, I like some weird stuff that you've probably never heard of. And NONE of it is from this millennium - I'm a little behind (if only I had a little behind as well). But I promise you'll find something on it to love all for your very own.

Now GO! Enter as many of the contests as you want as many times. Just put your entries in the comment section of this post. I'll pick the five winners next Tuesday. And yes, one person can will more than one contest. I'll think up additional prizes for you if you win more than one.


aubrey said...

ooh, i really want a mix cd. i will be back with some genius responses. expect greatness.

John Newman said...

Okay, I'll bite. I'm gonna enter all of them. Several times. Read at your own risk.

>>The best comeback for when your two year old tells you she hates you

(If you’re tired of the typical, “Well, I love you anyway” response...)

“That just means I’m doing my job, honey.”
“So what? So does your brother.”
“You still have to clean your room.”
“That’s it! No cookies for you!”
“That just makes it easier to sell you to Mr. Johnson down the street.”
“Tell me how that’s supposed to make me want to give you more juice?”

>>A fitting campaign slogan for Hillary Clinton's 2008 Presidential run

“Better cleavage than Ted Kennedy.”
“Vote for someone who has the balls to get the job done.” (Ok, maybe not.)
“Because you’re tired of the men screwing it up.”
“Mother Knows Best.”
“In times of war, it pays to be a cold, hard ... never mind.”

>>The most stirring haiku about the inside of your belly button.

White fluffy cotton
Wears away from my shirt front
My navel is full.

O wrinkled crevasse
Deep with meaning and pleasure
I am enlightened.

Round belly button
Remnants of a mother’s love
Do not undo this.

>>The reason you are more righteous than everyone else you know.

Well, it’s obvious. I posted the first contest entry. Who else can be as righteous as me? Kneel before the most righteous contestant ye unwashed heathen who post after!

>>The best "yo mama" joke.

I’d never say anything bad about anyone’s mother. See how righteous I am? ;^)

This was fun!

Adrienne said...

That first one:

"I hate you!"
"Great! I'm spending your college fund on a sports car!"

Jennifer Lee said...

Hillary Clinton slogan: "I did not have sex with that woman, either"

Belly Button Haiku:
Wrinkles. Lint. Darkness.
My only consolation.
I'm not an outie.

Josh said...

Best comeback for when your two year old tells you she hates you:

You're just saying that because I won't tell you who your real parents are.

josh said...

Best comeback for when your two year old tells you she hates you:

That's just the booze talking.

s'mee said...


Button of sinew
Holding to Mother and Self
Knot that can't untie

JLJ said...

Belly Button poem:
stinky, wrinkled slit,
when I'm fat you disappear.
what grows inside there?

Hillary Clinton Slogan:
Ho's before Bro's and Mo's

Sarah said...

Holy smokes, you guys are heeelarious! I was in a totally crabby mood today and couldn't come up with anything funny for the blog so I was hoping you could entertain me - thanks for making my day! Every single one of these made me grin. This is going to be tough picking winners.

Anonymous said...

*comeback for when your two year old tells you she hates you*
Not as much as you'll hate the orphanage.

*"yo mama" joke. -- Does it have to be original?*

Yo mamma so fat, she wore a Malcolm X t-shirt and a helicopter landed on her.

Sarah said...

The "yo mama" jokes certainly don't have to be original. Plus, I haven't heard most of them so I have no idea whether you made it up or found it somewhere.

"not as much as you'll have the orphanage..." ouch! Sounds like you've have had toddlers too!

marcus said...

I'm not sure why that posted anonymously. Odd.

My only kid is 11 months old (today in fact), but I have 19 nieces and nephews who have all heard some snappy comebacks from their parents as well as me.

Nancy Sabina said...

Ok - I may not win on technical merit - but here is my bellybutton haiku

Small dot on my tummy
Taken for granted

Tiny part of intestines
Now in such pain

He’s just a smart guy
Pay attention

Now a hole in my tummy
Gallbladder gone

Covers the gapping hole
Don’t catch on my pants

Only four at a time?
Asleep for a week

Never again taken for granted
Now a dot

Jenny said...

I was hoping as part of the contest you would declare that our submissions have to fulfil all categories in one...wouldn't that be something.

I'll be back with something brilliant.

Jessica G. said...

Best comeback: "Yeah, well, Santa isn't real."

Yo mama joke: "Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at the stop sign, waiting for it to turn green."
"Yo mama's so ugly, she makes a blind man cry."

Reason I am so righteous: I live in Utah AND I went to BYU. That automatically makes me holier than you.

Heffalump said...

Comeback for the two year old.
"That's nice dear, have another fruit smack...I mean...snack."

For Hilary
"Vote Hilary and make a Man out of Bill...the First Man."

Haikus to my bellybutton (3 entries)
Lint lives inside it
Home to microscopic things
I don't want to know

The last connection
Between Mother and Baby
Lost and forgotten

Save the lint inside
Make a sweater from it too
That warms your body

I am not more righteous than everyone else I know...and even if I were I wouldn't admit it. (Does humility count for something?)

Yo momma so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Clyde said...

Best comeback for when...
"It's okay. I wasn't planning any snack time or going to the park anyways... Maybe next year"
"Do you remember where I put the leash, sweetie!?"
"Thanks for the reminder, honey! I better take my birth control pill, NOW."

wynne said...

Yo' mama is like a bus: guys are gettin' on and off all day long.

(So not original. I couldn't write that smut.)

PowersThatBe said...

My dad always used this comeback, "Well, it's better to be feared than loved." Yeah, we knew who Machiavelli was before we entered Kindergarten. We never feared him, he was such a kind man. So he just said it resignedly.

Jennifer Lee said...

Most righteous: I just moved away from Utah and now I listen to Cozy FM 100 at work...BY CHOICE!

Also, Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

Physcokity said...

I'm not creative enough for the Haiku, although I have an odd sort of fondness for my button.

I have no two year olds.

Perfection was already won by several others,

So I decided to rock the yo mama category

Yo mama's...

so fat when she sits around the house she sits AROUND THE HOUSE.

so fat when she put on her slicker and walked outside someone yelled TAXI!

so fat when she sat on a rainbow skittles popped out.

so fat when she sat on a quarter a booger popped out of George Washington's nose.

so fat she played pool with the planets.

so fat she fell in love and broke it.

so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

so fat she has to use a boomerang to put on her belt.

chronicler said...

The best comeback for when your two year old tells you she hates you...

That's fine, it's my job. Just wait until you're 14 and see how much you love me then.

Rhodeshack said...

1. "I hate you too, you little turd"
2. It's me, Hillary!
3. I'm a belly but
ton and you better not dis
respect my mother
4. I was Gordon B. Hinkley's sunbean teacher. We called them sunbeans in those days. I don't remember when they changed it.
5. Your mom is so poor, she can't pay attention.

s'mee said...

More entries (what can I say, I love music)


Not a tumble dry.
No static cling or stray sock;
But lint nonetheless.

Closed orifice, yes.
Lying on my back, it’s filled;
Water collecting.

Pillsbury Dough Boy
ain’t got nothing on me now
-post delivery.

Beige walls, no photos,
Bare ‘round and ‘round, no sofa,
Amenities none.

Subject of haiku:
Reward from Hollywood’s blog.
Belie belly hopes.

Everyone’s got one...
Mine is just better than most.
Innie perfection!

Time spent, minutes gone.
Trying to be the best one-
My button haiku.

Am I dull tonight?
Sci-Fi Friday or haiku?
Navel gazing wins.

Well haiku schmaiku!
Navel gazing self reflect.
Innie poetry.

Tiny, inverted
tubular donut of mine.
personal divot.

I suppose I could.
Wax on, wax off -Miagi.
But just cut the cord!

Tracie said...

This is my first haiku, but you people inspire me... is punctuation allowed?

A quick splotch of red
My belly button’s bleeding!
Alas, just red lint.

Lenny said...

We're still struggling with a good comeback to our three-year old who, upon being strapped into her carseat on a summer afternoon in Texas, "It's so hot that it makes me want to kill you." That was twenty years ago and we still don't know what an appropriate come-back would be. We do keep a close eye on her when she's around my wife to this day. . .

Shiloh said...

Yo mamma's so fat, when she takes a bath she fills up the tub, and then turns on the water.

Doug Taylor said...

Haiku for my belly button...

poking my navel
won't use this pencil again
hey, found the remote!

Lisa Fewox said...

Belly button haiku:

My belly button
with a huge stretch mark through it
is like no other.

And I don't know any Yo Mama jokes, but I have a few Chuck Norris jokes, here it goes:

Chuck Norris is so fast that he can run around the whole world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris got in a car accident and lost both of his legs and still managed to walk it off.

Here's a list of Chuck Norris' favorite foods: Whiskey.

Big Foot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups he doesn't push himself up he pushes the world down.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang it doesn't come back because it's too scared.

Chuck Norris has been dead for 10 years, the Grim Reaper is just too scared to tell him.

Chuck Norris has two speeds, walk and kill.

wynne said...

I thought of a few comebacks for a two-year-old (though I think the ones that are already here are just brilliant--how am I supposed to top "That just makes it easier to sell you to Mr. Johnson down the street" ??)

"If you think you hate me now, wait 'til you see what I've done with your My Pretty Pony collection. They ain't pretty no mo'!"
"Still doesn't change the fact that you must USE THE POTTY OR DIE."
"But why?" (repeat, ad nauseam, no matter what she says. Matter of fact, don't listen to what she says at all. Just keep asking why.)

Or, instead of a comeback, how about a tactic? Such as playing dumb:
"You hate blue? But why?"
"You hate stew? Who doesn't?"
"You hate the view? What view? We live in an apartment."

Or flat denial:
"You think I'm the world's BEST MOM? Well, thanks!"

wynne said...

For Hilary's campaign:
"Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid."


Bellybutton in the Garden of Eden

Did Adam have one?
We may never know the truth.
(But I think hell no.)

Aaaand I already gave a horrid yo momma joke, and I'm not righteous at all. As a matter of fact, I'm going to hell.

Susan M said...

>>The reason you are more righteous than everyone else you know.

My kids have never told me they hate me.