Contest Schmorgazborg
I'm in the mood for a contest. Let's see if I can think something up for your guys...
Feel free to enter any or all of the contests. I'll give one prize to the winner of each of the five contests. And what will the prize be...(think, Hollywood, it's got to be good...)
Let's say the winners get a mix CD of all my very favorite songs. Be warned, I like some weird stuff that you've probably never heard of. And NONE of it is from this millennium - I'm a little behind (if only I had a little behind as well). But I promise you'll find something on it to love all for your very own.
Now GO! Enter as many of the contests as you want as many times. Just put your entries in the comment section of this post. I'll pick the five winners next Tuesday. And yes, one person can will more than one contest. I'll think up additional prizes for you if you win more than one.
The best comeback for when your two year old tells you she hates you
OR
A fitting campaign slogan for Hillary Clinton's 2008 Presidential run
OR
The most stirring haiku about the inside of your belly button. "Outties" are not allowed to enter this contest. You freaks.
OR
The reason you are more righteous than everyone else you know - the most righteous person wins (everyone else gets sent to you-know-where. Enter this particular contest at your own risk)
OR lastly,
The best "yo mama" joke. For example: "Yo mama's so ugly she made an onion cry"
A fitting campaign slogan for Hillary Clinton's 2008 Presidential run
OR
The most stirring haiku about the inside of your belly button. "Outties" are not allowed to enter this contest. You freaks.
OR
The reason you are more righteous than everyone else you know - the most righteous person wins (everyone else gets sent to you-know-where. Enter this particular contest at your own risk)
OR lastly,
The best "yo mama" joke. For example: "Yo mama's so ugly she made an onion cry"
Feel free to enter any or all of the contests. I'll give one prize to the winner of each of the five contests. And what will the prize be...(think, Hollywood, it's got to be good...)
Let's say the winners get a mix CD of all my very favorite songs. Be warned, I like some weird stuff that you've probably never heard of. And NONE of it is from this millennium - I'm a little behind (if only I had a little behind as well). But I promise you'll find something on it to love all for your very own.
Now GO! Enter as many of the contests as you want as many times. Just put your entries in the comment section of this post. I'll pick the five winners next Tuesday. And yes, one person can will more than one contest. I'll think up additional prizes for you if you win more than one.
Comments
>>The best comeback for when your two year old tells you she hates you
(If you’re tired of the typical, “Well, I love you anyway” response...)
“That just means I’m doing my job, honey.”
“So what? So does your brother.”
“You still have to clean your room.”
“That’s it! No cookies for you!”
“That just makes it easier to sell you to Mr. Johnson down the street.”
“Tell me how that’s supposed to make me want to give you more juice?”
>>A fitting campaign slogan for Hillary Clinton's 2008 Presidential run
“Better cleavage than Ted Kennedy.”
“Vote for someone who has the balls to get the job done.” (Ok, maybe not.)
“Because you’re tired of the men screwing it up.”
“Mother Knows Best.”
“In times of war, it pays to be a cold, hard ... never mind.”
>>The most stirring haiku about the inside of your belly button.
White fluffy cotton
Wears away from my shirt front
My navel is full.
O wrinkled crevasse
Deep with meaning and pleasure
I am enlightened.
Round belly button
Remnants of a mother’s love
Do not undo this.
>>The reason you are more righteous than everyone else you know.
Well, it’s obvious. I posted the first contest entry. Who else can be as righteous as me? Kneel before the most righteous contestant ye unwashed heathen who post after!
>>The best "yo mama" joke.
I’d never say anything bad about anyone’s mother. See how righteous I am? ;^)
This was fun!
"I hate you!"
"Great! I'm spending your college fund on a sports car!"
Belly Button Haiku:
Wrinkles. Lint. Darkness.
My only consolation.
I'm not an outie.
You're just saying that because I won't tell you who your real parents are.
That's just the booze talking.
Button of sinew
Holding to Mother and Self
Knot that can't untie
stinky, wrinkled slit,
when I'm fat you disappear.
what grows inside there?
Hillary Clinton Slogan:
Ho's before Bro's and Mo's
Not as much as you'll hate the orphanage.
*"yo mama" joke. -- Does it have to be original?*
Yo mamma so fat, she wore a Malcolm X t-shirt and a helicopter landed on her.
"not as much as you'll have the orphanage..." ouch! Sounds like you've have had toddlers too!
My only kid is 11 months old (today in fact), but I have 19 nieces and nephews who have all heard some snappy comebacks from their parents as well as me.
Bellybutton
Small dot on my tummy
Taken for granted
Gallbladder
Tiny part of intestines
Now in such pain
Surgeon
He’s just a smart guy
Pay attention
Bellybutton
Now a hole in my tummy
Gallbladder gone
Band-aid
Covers the gapping hole
Don’t catch on my pants
Advil
Only four at a time?
Asleep for a week
Bellybutton
Never again taken for granted
Now a dot
I'll be back with something brilliant.
Yo mama joke: "Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at the stop sign, waiting for it to turn green."
"Yo mama's so ugly, she makes a blind man cry."
Reason I am so righteous: I live in Utah AND I went to BYU. That automatically makes me holier than you.
"That's nice dear, have another fruit smack...I mean...snack."
For Hilary
"Vote Hilary and make a Man out of Bill...the First Man."
Haikus to my bellybutton (3 entries)
Lint lives inside it
Home to microscopic things
I don't want to know
The last connection
Between Mother and Baby
Lost and forgotten
Save the lint inside
Make a sweater from it too
That warms your body
I am not more righteous than everyone else I know...and even if I were I wouldn't admit it. (Does humility count for something?)
Yo momma so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
"It's okay. I wasn't planning any snack time or going to the park anyways... Maybe next year"
"Do you remember where I put the leash, sweetie!?"
"Thanks for the reminder, honey! I better take my birth control pill, NOW."
(So not original. I couldn't write that smut.)
Also, Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
I have no two year olds.
Perfection was already won by several others,
So I decided to rock the yo mama category
Yo mama's...
so fat when she sits around the house she sits AROUND THE HOUSE.
so fat when she put on her slicker and walked outside someone yelled TAXI!
so fat when she sat on a rainbow skittles popped out.
so fat when she sat on a quarter a booger popped out of George Washington's nose.
so fat she played pool with the planets.
so fat she fell in love and broke it.
so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
so fat she has to use a boomerang to put on her belt.
That's fine, it's my job. Just wait until you're 14 and see how much you love me then.
2. It's me, Hillary!
3. I'm a belly but
ton and you better not dis
respect my mother
4. I was Gordon B. Hinkley's sunbean teacher. We called them sunbeans in those days. I don't remember when they changed it.
5. Your mom is so poor, she can't pay attention.
Haikus:
Not a tumble dry.
No static cling or stray sock;
But lint nonetheless.
Closed orifice, yes.
Lying on my back, it’s filled;
Water collecting.
Pillsbury Dough Boy
ain’t got nothing on me now
-post delivery.
Beige walls, no photos,
Bare ‘round and ‘round, no sofa,
Amenities none.
Subject of haiku:
Reward from Hollywood’s blog.
Belie belly hopes.
Everyone’s got one...
Mine is just better than most.
Innie perfection!
Time spent, minutes gone.
Trying to be the best one-
My button haiku.
Am I dull tonight?
Sci-Fi Friday or haiku?
Navel gazing wins.
Well haiku schmaiku!
Navel gazing self reflect.
Innie poetry.
Tiny, inverted
tubular donut of mine.
personal divot.
I suppose I could.
Wax on, wax off -Miagi.
But just cut the cord!
A quick splotch of red
My belly button’s bleeding!
Alas, just red lint.
poking my navel
won't use this pencil again
hey, found the remote!
My belly button
with a huge stretch mark through it
is like no other.
And I don't know any Yo Mama jokes, but I have a few Chuck Norris jokes, here it goes:
Chuck Norris is so fast that he can run around the whole world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris got in a car accident and lost both of his legs and still managed to walk it off.
Here's a list of Chuck Norris' favorite foods: Whiskey.
Big Foot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves.
When Chuck Norris does push-ups he doesn't push himself up he pushes the world down.
When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang it doesn't come back because it's too scared.
Chuck Norris has been dead for 10 years, the Grim Reaper is just too scared to tell him.
Chuck Norris has two speeds, walk and kill.
"If you think you hate me now, wait 'til you see what I've done with your My Pretty Pony collection. They ain't pretty no mo'!"
"Still doesn't change the fact that you must USE THE POTTY OR DIE."
"But why?" (repeat, ad nauseam, no matter what she says. Matter of fact, don't listen to what she says at all. Just keep asking why.)
Or, instead of a comeback, how about a tactic? Such as playing dumb:
"You hate blue? But why?"
"You hate stew? Who doesn't?"
"You hate the view? What view? We live in an apartment."
Or flat denial:
"You think I'm the world's BEST MOM? Well, thanks!"
"Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid."
uh...haiku?
Bellybutton in the Garden of Eden
Did Adam have one?
We may never know the truth.
(But I think hell no.)
Aaaand I already gave a horrid yo momma joke, and I'm not righteous at all. As a matter of fact, I'm going to hell.
My kids have never told me they hate me.