November 7, 2007

The Reynolds Handi-Vac Vacuum Sealer Sucks

I have a hickey. On my face.

It's always the same. You think it's all fun and games then the next morning you look in the mirror, scream, and cancel all your appointments.

I really thought we had a good thing going. The Reynolds Handi-Vac Vacuum Sealer was my new love. I received the new vacuum lock bags and vacuum in the mail yesterday in order to do a product review and sat down to read the accompanying literature. One of the first things I saw was the warning, "do not use on skin." So naturally I stuck it on my face and turned it on. Just a push of the button and it was dangling from my nose. My cheek. My neck. My two year old thought I was awesome (always a bad sign).

Then I tried it out on my leftovers. The idea of the Handi-Vac is that it completely sucks out the air from zip-lock bags so that you can store your food in the freezer with virtually no freezer burn ever. I never even consider freezing a lot of my food because of the texture, but decided to put the Handi-Vac to the test. I stuffed some leftover scalloped potatoes into a bag and applied the vacuum. While the potatoes looked dreadfully uncomfortable after all their air had been depleted, there was no doubt my vacu-sucked ziplock had no trace of air left inside. I gave a yip and threw the bag in the freezer. Then I did the same thing with some spaghetti and sausage. This thing rocks. It's only $9.99 and will make any leftovers I have instant candidates for freezing no matter what the texture. No more mystery bags of food in the freezer that are crystallized beyond recognition. The vacuum comes with three demo bag and you can buy a pack of 15 refils for $3.29. This is one product review I'm really sold on.

When my husband got home from work I gave him a quick kiss then showed him my latest toy. "Look Spike! It sticks to my face!" I then stuck the Handi-Vac on my chin, turned it on, and let the thing dangle like a beard. Spike stared at me, slack jawed. "Isn't it great?" I gushed, the vacuum still dangling?" It wasn't falling off like it usually did after a few seconds. I shook my head back and forth. It stuck. I shook my head harder. It stuck. Finally, the thing reluctantly slid off and I gave my husband a winning smile. "I love it."
"That's great honey," he replied flatly. And did I detect a twinge of jealousy in his eyes?

Apparently my love is not unrequited. Because of my stunt last night, I now have a perfect blue circle hickey on my chin that makes me look like the most popular girl on the block. And just to give you an idea of how bad the hickey is, I refuse to post a picture because yes, it would embarrass even me. Because of readers threatening to lynch me if I didn't post the picture, here it is in all it's glory. Happy now? My dignity hates me.


I have to admit, I've had chin hickeys before. Another case of confused love. My mother found a kitten in a puddle in the parking lot of Target. It was covered with snails and starving. Being the kind soul she is, she brought it home for us kids to care for. We named her Chloe. Chloe obviously had some mother issues. Her favorite thing in the world was to crawl up on my chest and "nurse" my chin. It was dreadfully cute. The kitten thrived in our home. She got bigger and bigger and more self assured. In no time, we had a full grown cat roaming around the place. But Chloe still wanted to nurse. In fact, she wouldn't take no for an answer. She'd pounce on my chest, give me growl and sneak towards my chin. If you dared make any move to push her away she would hiss and swat her claws at your face until you froze in submission. Full grown Chloe had a rough, rasping tongue and a fierce suck and I reluctantly acquired chin hickey's from her warped need for maternal love. When my mother made her mysteriously disappear one day, nobody protested.

Love is a crazy, mixed up thing. The Handi-Vac and I obviously have a few issues to work out, but I think in the long run, we have a great thing going. Unlike with Chloe, this is a relationship I'm willing to work through the kinks with. The eternal preservation of my delicious scalloped potatoes is worth any hickeys I may acquire. In essence, love sucks.

38 comments:

Jill said...

Picture! Picture! Picture! Please!!!

Lindsay said...

Chin hickey's = no good. This reminds me of this boy in my high school chemistry class who stuck one of the pieces of a broken racquetball that had been dipped in liquid nitrogen to his forehead. And then couldn't get it off. And when he finally did, had to walk around school with an enormous forehead hickey. Forehead hickeys = also no good.

Jessica G. said...

Oh come on! You can't tell us a story like that and NOT post a picture!

Anonymous said...

you HAVE to post a pic.If you dont I'll call the police.So there.*HUMPH*

Yer ma said...

So...you can post pictures of multiple nameless daredevils knocking themselves into comas to the sound of jaunty music, but not a little shot of your purplish chin? Come on, where's the consistency? I join the ranks of those demanding the right to see the goods! Perhaps we could learn prudence from seeing the consequence of your foolish trick?

Hollywood said...

Fine! Why do I pretend to have any modicum of privacy here? Here's the blasted picture.

Anonymous said...

I once had a hicky on my nose.let me tell ya,it was NOT PRETTY!(OH AND SARAH,could you make it so that you don't have to do word verification when you leave a comment?)

Abby said...

It looks like a religious statement. At least you can take out the batteries with this one...Chloe thoroughly creeped me out (after I laughed a lot.)

Anonymous said...

Thank you.*HUMPH*

Mumsy said...

Thanks, darling. I agree with Abby. It looks like a bindi gone awry. But YOU are everlastingly cute, and I'm not just saying that because I'm your mother.

Amber said...

ROFL!! You're awesome and a good sport. Also you look completely different in every picture you post... makes me wonder. I have a fabulous picture of my BIL at Thanksgiving with a forehead hickey after sticking a baby toy to his head. Unfortunately Picasa is having issues. I'll be back.

Deb said...

I definitely should have gone to the bathroom to pee BEFORE reading that. If the vacu-sealer thing wasn't bad enough, the cat swatting you into submission for chin nursing was HYSTERICAL!

Hollywood said...

I'm a pushover today. I've taken word verification off. Happy, Anonymous? You better leave more comments now!

Suzie Petunia said...

Whoa. Kittens that have their way with you and vacuums giving you hickies. You have issues.

Sue said...

I SO want that. The Reynolds thingie, not the hickey.

Jenny said...

Ok Sarah, the picture is becoming clearer now--if you had nursing cat chin hickies throughout high school, that explains a lot...

Marie said...

I've been eyeballing those things but wasn't sure if they'd be any good, maybe I'll buy one.

Lovely hickey.

Kelly said...

I've been trying all morning to get a hickey from my foodsaver. No luck. Yours is clearly the superior product.

Hollywood said...

Don't worry, Kelly. Your hickey will probably show up on the morning of day two like mine did. It's a great way to wake up!

Jill Davis Doughtie said...

You are so cute, even with a chin hickey.

Anonymous said...

Yes,I am happy.*HUMPH*.No,really,I am glad that you took word verification off,thank you.Oh and BTW,that is a very lovely hickey

Angela said...

I am so happy you got your hickey from a kitchen appliance because at first I thought you and Adum had the kind of relationship that yielded face hickeys AND that you were a person who would blog about this.

Amy said...

Reminds me of the time when I was in eigth grade and I stuck a suction cup basketball hoop to my forehead and then fell asleep, for six hours, on a bus ride to Florida. Not good.

Anonymous said...

Are you the dumbest person on the planet or are there others in your inch deep gene pool. Ha, Ha, funny. Except for the fact you're an adult with the IQ of a snail. Please, for the love of Darwin, have no more children!!

Susan C said...

Hi there! I was wondering if you could share the site where you purchased the Handi-Vac because I can't find one anywhere. (Obviously, because I've surfed on to your site!) I must say, I'm very excited about getting this now. You should become the spokeswoman for Reynolds' Handi-Vac!

Hollywood said...

Hi Susan C! Welcome to my inch deep gene pool. I actually received the product free in the mail to review and am not sure which stores you can buy them at. Sorry I can't help you out on this one - I'm not even sure if the product has hit the shelves yet.

Susan C said...

Gotcha. Thanks anyways and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed this post!

Garak said...

This reminds me of this boy in my high school chemistry class who stuck one of the pieces of a broken racquetball that had been dipped in liquid nitrogen to his forehead. And then couldn't get it off. And when he finally did, had to walk around school with an enormous forehead hickey.

Good lord, I did exactly the same thing to myself in college. My friends introduce me as "That guy I told you about, the one who stuck a racquetball to his forehead."

Mailgirl333 said...

I can't believe you'd admit to doing that, too funny!
I liked the Reynolds Vacuum Sealer, too, until I looked in the freezer at the two things I had put in (completely sealed and devoid of air) and saw that air had crept back into the bags.
I'll chalk it up as another overrated product and go back to using the regular ziploc bags.

webslave said...

mailgirl333: I wouldn't worry toooo much about the air leak. Reynold's will obviously have a period where they have to work out some of the bugs that only a wide range of consumers will discover. I figure that it's likely that the leak is in the zip but if not this could potentially be solved if you put a sticker over the "valve"; one that will survive freezing of course.

Anonymous said...

I work in downtown Chicago and by word of mouth I heard that the Reynold's company was giving away a bag with two of these babies inside!!

So I went in line and got a bag.
Then I went in another line, gave my e-mail and received another bag.
Then I went in the third line, gave a fake email, and got another bag.

Then I thought of forgotten family members who would want one, and got in another line, gave another fake email address,and got a another bag.

Now I have 8 Hand-Vacs....klepto?? Not by all means. What's free is free right?? LoL

Anonymous said...

I've never had a problem with air leaks and me frozen meats last without freezer burn.

Unfortunately, Reynolds has discontinued manufacturing this product (they weren't making enough money off them).

When the stocks run out, all we'll have left is a hickey-making machine.

mary said...

When I bought my Handi-Vac in Dec.08,I was so pleased with it that I bought 3 more for my girls, with a good surply of bags.Now all we have are a good surply of bags and a Handi-Vac that quit "sucking" That really sucks !
olelady

Anonymous said...

I have been looking for more bags and found that they are indeed discontinued. I loved this thing! It was great and a lot better than those bulky counter top machines that cost an arm and a leg... I mean heck, this one only costs a hickey or two! You can find some bags online but they're at a 600% mark up. Stupid Reynolds!! As for the leaky bag, you can NOT overfill those things, trust me on that. When they say Max Fill Line they mean it. Again, so sad.

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