Sandra D. meets Me

Spike and I decided to get away this Valentine's Day so I left my two sick girls with their aunt and we took off for Phoenix. There is a legal society conference going on out here so we celebrated our love last night by sitting in a huge room full of Mormon lawyers, listening to how we need to use our powers for good and not evil. It was tres romantic.

Today there is a series of lectures covering a wide variety of topics. We get to hear from Sandra Day O'Conner (or Sandra D. as I like to call her) in an hour. I'm excited to see if she recognizes me - I hear all the Supreme Court Justices are required to spend at least an hour a day reading Hollywood Flakes. My list of grievances of the American legal system is ready for our inevitable discussion. Here are some of my talking points:

Supercuts is not super. I'm interested in the honest and ethical naming of all places of business. Just last night I drove by a tattoo parlor that advertised in bright neon lights, "NO REGRETS TATTOO." Puh-lease.

I'd like declawing to be legal for all children under the ages of two. We mothers of small infants walk around with bloody gashes on our faces. What about our rights?

Americans should be able to buy seasonal hunting tags for those huge, inflatable lawn decorations that people put out at Christmas time. I'd love to bag me one of those 8 foot tall Frosty the Snowmen.

Actresses should be paid depending on how much they weigh. Every pound over 100 they carry during a movie shooting is an extra million dollars. If they fall under 100 pounds, their contract is void. Anorexia would be abolished and McDonalds wouldn't have to degrade themselves to providing a healthy menu.

The Miranda rights needs a "right to party like a rock star" to lighten the tension when you are arrested.

People like me should be banned from blogging when they have nothing of value to say.

I'm off to meet Sandra. I'll let you know when my policies come into effect. So if you are pulled over for a DUI this weekend and the cop tells you about your rights to rock, send a big thanks out my way. Your welcome in advance.