April 9, 2008

Your Name Here

I was party to a disgusting prank today. As much as it hurt my stomach to participate, in the end I found no alternative. Apparently, somebody thought Anthony deserved to be punished and I had little say in the matter.

I was at Michael's craft store stocking up on supplies when I had the feeling a bathroom would be a good idea in the near future. A stock girl pointed me to the women's restroom. A one holer. The bathroom was pretty trashed and I contemplated asking one of the employees to clean it up first, but biology told me to just get it over with. Looking past the dirty toilet paper strewn all over the floor, I apprised the toilet. In harsh, black scars, the name "Anthony" had been etched on one side of the toilet seat.

Woah now. This was not my battle. For all I knew, Anthony was a decent guy who had just been misunderstood. For all I knew, he'd enraged this woman was because he spent all his evenings with his ailing grandmother. For all I knew, Anthony crochets bandages for lepers. But there was his name - ripped across 50% of my valuable toilet real estate. "Sorry, Anthony," I muttered.

If only Anthony knew how many sweet, crafty women have defiled his name. I can only pray that he actually deserves it. Anthony, wherever you are, be bad. Be very bad. Do it for me and my guilty conscience. And say "hi" to your grandma for me.

27 comments:

Amber said...

Poor Anthony. Just imagine up some horrible thing he did to deserve that. Maybe his wife was minding her own business at the craft store- you know- buying some yarn for the lepers when she thought she heard a familiar voice from a couple aisles over. She snuck a little closer and sure enough- it was Anthony!! He was in the cross stitching aisle! But he wasn't there alone- oh no- hardly. He was there talking to the little old lady that runs the cash register. You know the one, the only respectable employee of the store? While she can't hardly run a cash register and she takes 15 minutes to ring you up she actually KNOWS something about crafts- not like the pierced and tattooed 12 year olds who are her co-workers.

But as she stood there and listened it dawns on her- Anthony isn't buying you a gift, or getting tips- he's actually teaching HER a thing or two about cross stitching and embroidery and some cross between the two called 'stitchery'. That's it- you just couldn't take it anymore. SHE was the crafty one- he's been hiding this secret from her- holding back while she did all the decorating and crafting in the house. She can't contain yourself and runs to the bathroom in tears.

"NO!" she screams in anguish. Without thinking she pull your swiss army knife out of your bag (really- what good would she be as a mom without one) and takes her anger out on the first thing she sees- the toilet seat. It's not something she's ever done before, but darn it feels good. Take that Anthony- your name will know shame for the rest of that seats days.

But that toilet seat? It may have saved her marriage because really? What sort of man would be sneaking around a craft store chatting up little old ladies about stitchery anyway? Turns out rather nice ones who were just too embarrassed to share their skills because they didn't want to overshadow their wife. But now they can stitch together in peace in front of the tv on many a friday night because she took her anger out on the toilet seat rather then on poor, poor Anthony.

Hollywood said...

All those in favor of Amber ghost-writing my blog from this point forward, say "aye!"

And anyone else who thinks that Amber's husband's name is Anthony, give me a double "aye."

Janell said...

Thanks for the laugh (both of you).

Aye

and

Aye Aye ;)

Few ox said...

Aye!


I hate public restrooms.

Anonymous said...

Ahhhh Michaels!!!! Dirty bathroom Michaels is better then no Michaels at all!

-Michaeless in Norway

Irishmama said...

Lady, you can make a trip to a public bathroom brighten up my day. You've got wit, and talent.

Thanks

Anonymous said...

aye and aye

bythelbs said...

Yes, but did you at least cover up Anthony's name with a protective layer of toilet paper or a tissue paper toilet seat cover?

I would think Michaels could afford a new toilet seat, for crying out loud. If not, maybe they should rethink their whole eternal 40% off coupon campaign. Don't worry, I'm biting my tongue (or fingers?) now.

Good one, Amber.

Melinda said...

NAY. I come here for a breath of fresh Sar. and that is what I got today. Gracias for writing the way only you can.

Shiloh said...

Don't worry Hollywood-- he deserved it. Oh, did he ever deserve it.
Thanks for making my life better with your brilliant writing. :)

Leslie said...

Kudos to Amber...hysterical...and to you Hollywood...I must say...I love it when I can read a blog post and seriously laugh out loud (not just the LOL stuff of blog vernacular). Thanks for the smiles!

Chris & Allie said...

Good stuff today! Aye, Aye!

Amber said...

Thanks for the "ayes"- I lost tense somewhere in there and I was in a goofy mood last night. Also my hubby is Steve... You know I love you Hollywood!

J-Rod said...

I liked your blog better when you posted all the time.

Hollywood said...

Noted.

April said...

I still like you blog. There is only so much you can laugh aboutin a day while your fingers bleed from hand stitching little furry rodents and their vinyl friends! :)

Suzie Petunia said...

Yes, this was too sudden. Couldn't you at least wean us off?

Marisa said...

"Wean us off"?? Does that mean you're saying Ta-ta to blogging???

LittlePaintedPolkaDots said...

You can't leave now Hollywood. I have spent the last month of my life sharing you with all I know. Props to you for even attempting the public restroom!

Hollywood said...

Hey, hey, now. This is how rumors get started. I am definitely not going to stop blogging. As you can see, however, blogging each and every single day may not be totally realistic either. But trust me, I'm keeping the blog come hell or high water.

Dawn said...

I would have ran to the car and peed in my McDonald's cup instead. Too many scary public toilets and a severe case of germaphobia have forced me to eliminate in paper cups many times over the years. Practice makes perfect.

Annie said...

Sweet crafty moms who trash public bathrooms. You would think that with all that crafty-ambidextriousness they would be able to manage gettting the t.p. in the hole.

U R funny.

Jessica G. said...

I can't leave a decent comment...too busy plotting names to scrawl on toilet seats...do you think I ought to limit it to just the customer service rep who screwed up everything on my account or should I just write "Qwest" and be done with it?

hairofgold said...

Hi Cuz,
We LOVED your alien gift for stephy-so creative. Hope all is going well for you and the fam. See ya soon

Ruthie said...

Maybe the culprit wasn't a crafter at all, but one of the clueless 12-year olds on her lunch break?

Mallory said...

Dawn, I'm curious, what exactly do you do with the cup when you're done?

mallory said...

Oh, and I'm not trying to be snarky, I just could totally see myself in this situation someday, and just trying to get all the logistics down for my "attempt". :)